


OsteoCitation

by ShittyDinner



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Domestic, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Gender-Neutral Frisk, Multi, Not your usual levels of shittydinner angst, POV Second Person, Reader Is Not Frisk, Reader-Insert, Slow-ish Burn?, Why have one when you can have both?, consensual poly relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2018-10-07 00:33:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 50,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10348356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShittyDinner/pseuds/ShittyDinner
Summary: "Osteocytes are osteoblasts which have become trapped inside of the-- wait for it--bone matrix.""wait, what kind of stupid title is that, kiddo? make it a pun.""I'llpun-ch you.""PUN-T HIM!!""i'm so proud, bro.""THAT DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT THE STORY'S ABOUT THOUGH.""Moving in with you guys ruined me?""fair enough.""YOU FORGOT TO MENTION HOW SPECTACULAR YOUR LIFE IS NOW.""My life is spectacular now.""WELL OF COURSE IT IS, YOU LIVE WITH US.""heh."





	1. LEASE of Your Worries

**Author's Note:**

> Holler at us on [tumblr](https://shitty-dinner.tumblr.com/)!

 

 

Moving across the country with someone seemed like a good idea at the time. Heck, the first few months of living together was great. The job you found here is amazing-- your coworkers are nice, the job itself is fun, the hours and pay are phenomenal. If only it didn't turn out that your, erm, _roommate_ was an emotionally abusive piece of shit.

 

Getting a viewing for a new place after that was... really tricky? You had to solve three puzzles via email and then answer a riddle.

 

"WHAT BELONGS TO YOU THAT OTHERS USE MORE THAN YOU DO?"

 

To be honest, it took you half a day to figure it out but you finally replied.

 

"...My name?"

 

The email that followed set up a viewing as soon as possible. Well, you can't say no to eccentric wacky roommates. Sounds better than abusive ones, anyway!

 

You ring and wait to be buzzed into the condo. Apartment hunting isn't so bad now that you're set on moving out. This place seemed almost too good to be true in terms of location, advertised price, and size. You gasped when you found the listing last night. There has to be a catch.

 

The apartment door opens and you flinch. Ah. There's the catch.

 

"heya. you here to see the room?" A small stocky skeleton stands in the doorway. A double-take and he seems to be almost in the same position you are, visibly tensing up.

 

"Um, hi. Yeah, w-we spoke via email?" Stammering is always a great first impression. Not.

 

"nope. that woulda been my brother papyrus."

 

"Yes! Papyrus. He's your... brother?" Great. Alright. The place is owned by a monster. It's not that they creep you out entirely so much as they creep you out entirely. You've tried to keep an open mind. They're nice and everything. Sometimes they just look so... uncanny. Looking at a cartoon or a an illustration is one thing. Looking at things that look like they surfaced from the depths of hell and beyond is completely different. You smile anyway. Heck, skeletons are not the worst of them. That said, you've never seen a skeleton monster before.

 

"alright. you uh... still wanna see the place?" Great, he's picked up on your body language. Ugh, this is so awkward. He probably thinks you're racist and/or rude. Fuck.

 

"Yeah! I do! Sorry. I didn't mean to-- well I just-- I'm sorry, I was caught off guard."

 

"well don't feel pressured for my sake," he consoles as you cross the threshold.

 

You remove your shoes and coat. "I'm still interested."

 

"well here's the living room, there's the kitchen." The short skeleton motions to the next room. "you wanna see more?"

 

"Yes please." You peek into the kitchen. It's enormous although the wall behind the stove is blackened.

 

The small skeleton catches you staring at the spot. "oh don't mind that. my bro's friend came over and got a little carried away. she tends to."

 

"I see." You can't help but keep your eyes on that spot on your way out of the room.

 

"this way to your room. bathroom's over here. i suppose we'd have to start buying toilet paper more frequently. only know one person who uses the toilet."

 

"Right, monsters don't excrete or something."

 

"something like that. we've got another human friend. good kid. you'd probably like 'em."

 

You make a mental note that they're probably okay with humans if they have another human friend.

 

"my room. off limits." He motions to a closed door. "end of the hall's papyrus' room-- across from yours."

 

You barely catch a glimpse of Papyrus' room before peering into the big empty space that could potentially turn into your room. You open the closet door. Seems large enough.

 

"i think paps'd paint the place if you don't like the colour."

 

"Paps?"

 

"paps, russ, papyrus, pappy, whatever you wanna call him." He shrugs.

 

"Seems easygoing. Anyway, I like the place. Um... are you alright... with having a human around?"

 

"dunno. you alright with livin' with a couple of monsters?" Maybe you're imaging how judgemental his gaze feels.

 

"I mean, if Papyrus is nice," you chuckle.

 

To be quite honest, this guy kind of gives you the creeps. There's something ominous about him-- something about the way he watches you makes you feel like he's judging your every movement and action.

 

"my brother's a--"

 

"SANS!! OH MY GOODNESS IS THE TENANT HERE?? I'M SO SORRY!! I WOULD HAVE MADE IT ON TIME IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE ANNOYING DOG THAT PILFERED MY CAR KEYS!!"

 

"--real star."

 

An enormous, lanky but loudly-dressed skeleton dashes to the entrance. He's a few centimetres short of needing to duck to avoid hitting his head on the doorframe-- a real contrast to his brother who barely reaches your shoulders in height.

 

"HI!! YOU MUST BE ______. IT'S SO NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU!!" He rushes up to you, bends over slightly, and takes one of your hands in both of his in an enthusiastic handshake. "HAS MY LAZY BROTHER SHOWN YOU AROUND? ARE YOU SATISFIED? WHEN WILL YOU BE MOVING IN??"

 

You hesitate for a moment, winded, as Sans excuses himself now that the baton's been passed.

 

You consider your current living situation. The problems with your current roommate started slowly, passively, and escalated over the course of several months to the point where you're too stressed to spend much time at home. Deciding to be proactive about it, you've been apartment hunting in the neighbourhood. Your roommate is aware of this. Perhaps it's for the best that the two of you live separately. Who knows, you might end up maintaining a friendship after you've left. You look at the enormous skeleton in front of you. Are monsters violent? This one seems to wear his heart on his sleeve and, although you've had lapses in judgement in the past, you'd be ready to bet he wouldn't hurt a fly. Still...

 

"I don't know about this to be honest. I um, I'm not sure if it's alright for a human to live with monsters."

 

"NOOO!! YOUR HONESTY!! IT SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU REALLY CARE! YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MY REPUTATION BEING TARNISHED FOR MINGLING WITH HUMANS."

 

"Well, it's more like--"

 

"IS IT BECAUSE YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE COOL ENOUGH TO BE OUR ROOMMATE?"

 

"What?"

 

"I KNOW WE MIGHT SEEM INTIMIDATING AT FIRST BUT I ASSURE YOU," he takes you by the hand and motions you to the kitchen where you take a seat as he pulls a few papers that were on the table toward the two of you, "YOU WILL EMERGE FROM THIS SITUATION JUST COOL ENOUGH TO LIVE WITH US.

 

"Oh, it's not that, I--"

 

"NONSENSE, HERE'S THE LEASE." He motions to a line at the bottom of the lengthy agreement. "SIGN HERE PLEASE."

 

"But I--"

 

"RIGHT. A PEN. ONE MOMENT. I'M ALWAYS PREPARED. AFTER ALL, YOU CAN'T SPELL 'PREPARED' WITHOUT SEVERAL LETTERS FROM MY NAME." He rushes over to a drawer and extracts a pen. "HERE YOU GO."

 

"Wait. Can we hold it for a second?"

 

"YES?" He's far too excited.

 

"I don't know, we just met."

 

"WELL, WOULDN'T THAT BE THE CASE IN ANY RENTAL SITUATION IF YOU'RE RESPONDING TO ADVERTISEMENTS?"

 

"Yeah but--"

 

"THEN IT'S SETTLED." He puts his hands on his hips and grins widely-- well as widely as a skeleton can. Hm. They're always grinning, aren't they?

 

You look down at the lease and contemplate the terms, how nice the apartment is, how cheap the rent is. This skeleton sure seems happy to have you although you're not sure about the shorter one.

 

"I guess... so..."

 

You sign the lease slowly after skimming it and slide the document back to him. He signs in an elegant cursive and immediately gets up, lifts you up off the ground, and gives you a hug.

 

"WELCOME HOME, ________."

 

You hug him back awkwardly, hyperaware of his hard ribs digging into your skin through your clothes, of your dangling legs, of the strange mixture of what's probably a natural bony musk and his cologne.

 

"Thanks, Papyrus."

 

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOR DINNER? I CAN MAKE SOMETHING CELEBRATORY." He puts you down and turns to call his brother before giving you a chance to respond. "SANS!! _______ WILL BE STAYING FOR DINNER!!"

 

You catch a glimpse of an almost maliciously amused expression on Sans' face as he briefly peeks into the kitchen.

 

 


	2. EYE See What You Did There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE PERUSE MY CULINARY ARTSHOW.

 

 

 

"DID HE NOT EVEN INTRODUCE HIMSELF UNTIL NOW? I SWEAR, NO SENSE OF PROPRIETY AT ALL." Papyrus is huffing as you give him a hand chopping some vegetables. "SANS! COME IN HERE AND INTRODUCE YOURSELF PROPERLY!!"

 

"coming bro."

 

The smaller skeleton shuffles into the kitchen, clearly having heard the entire conversation.

 

"heya roomie. i'm sans by the way."

 

"Cool. Hi, Sans by the way."

 

He smirks.

 

"ooh, a funny one. a girl after my own heart. 'cept i don't have a heart, heh heh."

 

"All scientific evidence points to your brother being a huge nerd, Papyrus." Oops, looks like you're comfortable enough to go there.

 

"oh. d'you like science?" Sans is officially intrigued.

 

"Yeah, it's pretty cool. Why?"

 

"cause you should watch your attitude. i've got my _ion_ you."

 

You snort.

 

"Do you always make science puns?"

 

"naw. just _periodically_."

 

"SANS!!" Papyrus probably shouldn't flail around with the knife.

 

"Oh my goodness, guys." You have to cover your mouth laughing. These two are officially priceless. Alright. You can get behind living with these weirdos.

 

"for real though, sorry i didn't properly introduce myself. i'm sans. sans the skeleton."

 

He approaches and thrusts his left hand out for a handshake. You awkwardly reach for it.

 

"Hi. Again. Sans the I-couldn't-tell-you-were-a-skeleton." You take his hand.

 

 _ZAP_.

 

"What the _heck?!_ Did you just electrocute me?!" It wasn't that strong but it still startled you. Trying to act angry despite your laughter isn't working out.

 

"oops. sorry. hope you didn't find that too _shocking_."

 

"I think Papyrus is right on this. I think I hate you," you chortle.

 

" _watt_ was that?" He leans in, cupping his hand near his ear hole. "i don't think i heard you very well."

 

Papyrus groans, dropping the spaghetti into the boiling water.

 

"You can't just go around electrocuting people!"

 

"aw, c'mon, it's not like it _hertz_ all that much anyway."

 

"ARE YOU _DONE?_ "

 

"naw, i'm pretty _amped_ to be honest. it might actually be fun with you around."

 

"I'm walking away now."

 

"NO, WAIT, WE HAVEN'T EATEN DINNER YET."

 

"aw, that's only how she _current-_ ly feels, bro. she'll cheer up in a sec."

 

You can't help it-- you bend over laughing, wondering if living with these guys will be amazing or terrible.

 

"Alright, you win. You win. It was funny."

 

"NO IT WASN'T!!"

 

" 'course it was, you two were laughing the whole time." He winks at you and you snort.

 

"I HATE THIS."

 

For some reason you get the impression that Papyrus doesn't actually hate puns. He huffs and stomps off to the patio. You follow him at a distance to notice they have a small planter where he's picking some basil. Oh man, why didn't Sans show you the patio earlier? You walk back to the kitchen.

 

"Sans, why didn't you show me the patio? It's awesome!"

 

"meh."

 

He looks at you and his expressions suddenly shifts from bored to conspiratorial.

 

"Wh-what?" Shit. What now?

 

"heh. wonderin' if we're gonna have to put up another ad after tonight."

 

"Why?" Did you get in over your head moving in with monsters?

 

"i wonder how much of my brother's cooking is enough to intoxicate a human to the point where the food poisoning's so bad it kills them," he muses. "i miiiiighta lied about the black spot behind the stove." He winks.

 

"Umm. How bad... is it?"

 

"well..." He stops to think for a moment. "i'm not sure i've seen anything that could regurgitate keep it down. 's different for monsters without stomachs, obviously." He pats his shirt, which collapses under the motion. "anyway. brace yourself but, most importantly, be nice to my bro about it." Yikes, that tone was... actually menacing? You haven't even properly moved in yet and you feel mildly threatened by this guy.

 

You nod compliantly as Papyrus returns with some herbs.

 

"ALRIGHTY!! WE'RE ALMOST READY TO GO!!"

 

He's... actually quite dexterous with the knife? You noticed this earlier when he was chopping the vegetables. There's nothing wrong with the way he's cooking? It's admittedly probably kind of rude to hover this much. He adds them to the vegetables he already has stewing away, probably saving the rest for a garnish. Is there some monster magic that'll poison you? Something you can't see? Sans is visibly trying to contain his laughter as he watches you fret.

 

"WOULD YOU GET THE PLATES, ________? THEY'RE IN THE RIGHTMOST CUPBOARD."

 

"Sure!" Crap. Here we go. Oh goodness, you're going to die. "Is there s-something special about this that you're not telling me, Papyrus?"

 

"OH!! I'M GLAD YOU'VE NOTICED!!" He puts a hand on his hip and beams. "THIS AIN'T ANY PLAIN OL' PASTA!! IT'S MY FAVOURITE RECIPE AND ONE I ONLY MAKE FOR FRIENDS!! THEN AGAIN," he puts his hand on his chin in thought now, "IF I'M COOKING FOR SOMEONE... CHANCES ARE THEY'RE MY FRIEND-- WHATEVER-- IT'S GREAT; A RECIPE I'VE PERFECTED OVER THE YEARS UNDER THE QUEEN'S WATCHFUL EYE AND COOKING LESSONS."

 

"Wait, I'm sorry, you took cooking lessons... from the queen?" Okay, what the fuck kind of culture do monsters have? Or... are these guys actually important people? What? Why? What's going on? What has your life come to?

 

"YUP!! SANS MADE FRIENDS WITH HER OVER THE COURSE OF A FEW YEARS AND I SUPPOSE THE REST IS HISTORY." He shrugs as the two of you set the table. Sans watches, being completely useless, "YOU'LL PROBABLY MEET HER IF YOU LIVE WITH US!! SHE'S DELIGHTFUL BUT..." he squints for a moment, "WELL, LET'S JUST SAY HER BRAND OF HUMOUR IS... QUESTIONABLE." Oh goodness, is she going to torture you for shits and giggles? Well, you might not survive tonight anyway.

 

"don't have a _cow_ , bro. she's _goat_ a great sense of humour."

 

Papyrus inhales deeply and sits down.

 

"WELL--"

 

" _bone_ appétit then."

 

You actually laugh at that one. It's pretty on-brand for a skeleton.

 

"DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM."

 

"Sorry?" Sorry for enjoying your last moments on this planet. Maybe you can... hide your food when he's not looking.

 

"WELL, DIG IN." Papyrus is watching you in anticipation. His bones are... rattling? Come to think of it, so are Sans'?

 

"A-alright." Maybe you can um... maybe you can make a mad dash for your life. Of course you probably have a terrified expression on your face; Sans is relishing it. What is this cruel fate? Why are you complying? What the hell is making you feel like it would be a crime against humanity-- (monsterity?) to hurt Papyrus' feelings? You bring the fork to your mouth with a trembling hand and brace yourself for the worst.

 

 

...

 

 

It's good?

 

"Huh."

 

Sans bursts into laughter.

 

"oh man, kiddo, you should have seen your face for the past half an hour! really had you goin', didn't i?" He's practically crying.

 

You swallow. "What?!"

 

"DID I MISS SOMETHING??"

 

"nothin' bro." He's practically squeaking as you sit in a mixture of relief, indignation, and-- and-- rage? No, maybe not rage. Oh, whatever it is, it's some kind of humoured frustration. Wow, he really got you. "oh _man,_ kid, you're real gullible, aren't ya?"

 

"WHAT HAPPENED?"

 

"I-- I think your brother's hazing me," you wheeze helplessly as your eyes glaze over.

 

Papyrus sits there looking oblivious and confused.

 

"DO YOU LIKE IT??"

 

"Yeah, it's delicious. The fresh ingredients make a world of difference."

 

He beams, bones rattling even more loudly.

 

Well, at least now you can enjoy your food.

 

Ha. Or not.

 

As it turns out, a skeleton eating is the grossest thing you've seen in a while. Oh gosh, you're going to have to get used to this, aren't you? Where does the food even go? You can't close your mouth when you eat if you don't have lips to close, can you? Oh goodness this is so weird. You can see all the food in their teeth. They're not even chewing it that much, holy crap, you suppose they wouldn't be able to without it falling out, would they? Just focus on your own eating. Don't look at their mouths. Wait, hang on.

 

"Um. Would it be rude... if I asked where the food goes?" You try to sound cheerful, joking.

 

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

 

"When you swallow. You don't have stomachs. What happens to the food?"

 

"IT GOES INTO OUR BODIES?"

 

"It just disappears?"

 

"turns into energy," Sans offers.

 

"Okay, so the way humans convert food into energy. You don't digest it though?"

 

"nope."

 

"DON'T THINK SO. IT JUST GOES IN."

 

"But you don't have throats. How do you swallow?"

 

"HMM... IT MUST BE EXTREMELY CONFUSING FOR YOU AS A HUMAN."

 

"Yeah, no kidding."

 

"dunno, kiddo. i suppose it's the same with all monsters. it goes in and comes out as magic. 'cept it doesn't sit in our stomach to be absorbed gradually. 's more instantaneous."

 

"If you don't use magic will you not need to eat?"

 

"WELL... I SUPPOSE EXISTING REQUIRES MAGIC SO WE WOULD STILL NEED TO EAT," Papyrus ponders aloud.

 

"what about humans? you need to eat or you'll die, right?"

 

"Yeah, food to energy. Dame deal different _flavour_ , I suppose." Aw, that was too weak to even get a reaction. You failed.

 

You notice something else that's bugging you.

 

"something wrong?" Dang, Sans caught on quickly. "it's kinda rude to stare, kiddo."

 

"Sorry! It's just really cool!" Nice recovery. Good job.

 

"WHAT'S REALLY COOL? ME?? OF COURSE IT'S ME; WHY DID I ASK?" Papyrus strikes a pose, causing you to chuckle.

 

"Pft. Yeah. You're pretty alright--"

 

"I KNEW IT--!!"

 

"I was just wondering why the little pinpricks of light are on the... opposite side of the direction you're looking." He's obviously looking to the left but the lights in his eyes are on the right sides of their sockets. Come to think of it, it looks more like light being shined onto the sockets than emanating from them.

 

"well the back of your eyeball would be on the opposite side of your pupil, wouldn't it?" Sans' turn to ponder aloud.

 

"That makes sense."

 

"YOUR EYE SOCKET WOULD BLOCK YOUR FIELD OF VISION IF IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND. IT'S PRETTY LOGICAL. I DON'T SEE WHY IT'S SO IMPRESSIVE-- YOU KNOW, ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT EVERYTHING ABOUT ME IS IMPRESSIVE."

 

Pft. This guy's a total ham.

 

"Well your eye...lights are less visible than your brother's. That's the more interesting part, I suppose."

 

"I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE SLIGHTLY BETTER VISION...? THEY GET SMALLER WHEN WE'RE STARTLED, STRESSED, CONCENTRATED..." He trails off.

 

"Do you? Do they?"

 

"meh, my vision's alright. probably a little less sharp. i dunno about the contracting part. i'm not usually startled by or concentrating on mirrors anyway. heh."

 

"Oh my gosh, do you tape glasses to your skull when you read or something?" Why is that the cutest and most hilarious mental image?

 

"no? that wouldn't so anything," he chuckles. "i have no lenses to correct. that's strictly human physiology." Sans seems to have lightened up at the very least.

 

Papyrus' phone buzzes just as you all begin to clean up your dishes.

 

"NOOOO!!" He looks horrified by whatever text he's reading. It must be terrible news.

 

" 'sup bro?"

 

"UNDYNE CAN'T MAKE IT THIS WEEKEND!!" Oh that's not so bad. He looked like someone had died or something.

 

"bummer."

 

"WHAT'LL I DO??"

 

"bring your new pal." Sans suggests, gesturing in your general direction.

 

"Who, me? What? Undying what?"

 

"OOOH!! WILL YOU COME? UNDYNE AND I WERE GOING TO GO ON A TRIP OUT OF TOWN ON SATURDAY!!"

 

"Well, I did intend to move in on Saturday. Not sure if I can do both."

 

"WE'LL HELP! WE CAN DO IT EARLY ON SATURDAY MORNING!! OUR HELP CAN SPEED UP THE PROCESS AND THEN YOU CAN COME WITH ME!! IT'LL BE GREAT I ASSURE YOU."

 

"Umm--"

 

Sans nudges you as he walks past and shoots you an imploring look.

 

You look up at Papyrus, who's definitely giving you the skeleton equivalent of puppy-dog eyes.

 

"F-fine. Sure. Alright!"

 

Random trip to who-knows-where with a monster you just met? What could possibly go wrong?

 

 

 

 


	3. Canoe and Shower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Canoe_ shower more quietly?

 

 

 

You expected to spend the entire day unpacking your meagre belongings. It helps that you didn't bring much when you moved out here. It was interesting to see Papyrus jump to help, practically dragging Sans, who proceeded to fall asleep in a box of your clothing.

 

"Wake up, dude. You don't have to be here if you don't want to."

 

"nnnn. soft."

 

"Papyrus moved all my furniture in on his own. You really don't need to do much else."

 

"okay." He's practically sleep-talking.

 

"You want to go nap in your room instead of my boxes?"

 

"nah. here's fine."

 

"Sans, I need to put those clothes away."

 

"zzzzzz."

 

"______? ARE YOU READY TO GO?" Papyrus peeks into your room. He's changed into some outdoorsy clothes. His sweater has been mysteriously altered to say, "█HUG DEALER," and you're 100% sure it wasn't manufactured that way.

 

"I haven't unpacked my clothes!" Yeah, because Sans fell asleep on them.

 

"WE CAN DO IT TOGETHER WHEN WE GET BACK!!"

 

You still don't even know where you're supposed to be going. You open the other clothing box and rifle through it for something outdoorsy. Nothing. Okay, under Sans. Um. Hm. Well, he clearly trusts you enough to fall asleep in your room. Or maybe he's just that lazy. Shove a hand under and feel around. Not working. He's too hard and pokey. You're also not so sure about the noise he just made in his sleep. Hoist him up and deposit him in the box you just opened. Dig, dig, dig, ah, there we go; pants suitable for the outdoors. Maybe a jacket. Damn, is that in the other box. Alright, here we go again with the skeleton moving. Done. Jacket? Check. Appropriate socks? Mmmmm good enough. Papyrus is waiting and moving Sans back and forth is awkward and frankly a little weird. Bye, fucker.

 

 

\--

 

 

Okay, this is awesome. The wind blowing through your hair, the sun kissing your skin-- everything about this drive is amazing. You were surprised to go down the the parking garage of the condo and find a shiny red convertible. Papyrus explained his love for speed and the need to learn how to drive as soon as possible. He failed his driving test twice for trying to impress the evaluator with his "sweet moves." Although impressive, one does not pass a driving test by drifting. It took you at least half an our to relax. You couldn't help but feel tense being trapped in a small space with someone you've just met. Not to mention the fact that monsters, in general, still kind of creep you out. Slightly. You're hoping to come out of this situation feeling enlightened and less terrified. They're obviously not bad people! Their anatomy is just creepy as hell.

 

"So where are we going anyway? You seem to have found every excuse to not tell me."

 

"SOLVE MY PUZZLE AND YOU CAN HAVE THE ANSWER." Ooh, he sounds like he's scheming.

 

"Oh... kay?" Puzzles are a monster thing so this is the life you signed up for, right?

 

"WASH IT AND IT WILL BE DIRTY. DON'T WASH IT AND IT WILL BE CLEAN. WHAT IS IT?"

 

"Ohhh. That's tough. Do I have to answer immediately?"

 

"TAKE YOUR TIME."

 

You contemplate what could get dirty when you wash it. Wouldn't it depend on what you're washing it in? Watch some buildings. That's a nice car. No wait, that isn't right-- maybe it is what you're washing it in that will get dirty... Is that a trick? Hm. Oh! Horses grazing in that field. Hm. Back to the question. It has to be something you get dirty by washing something else in. Probably.

 

"Water. The answer is water."

 

"DING! DING! YOU ARE CORRECT." He's grinning about as ear-to-ear as a skeleton can, you suppose. "WE'RE GOING TO THE LAKE. I FIGURED THAT YOU WOULD WANT TO COME BECAUSE HUMANS LOVE WATER. IT'S SO INTERESTING TO SEE THEM FLOCK TO WATER TO PLAY IN IT. THEY'RE NOT AMPHIBIOUS AND THEY CAN'T EVEN HOLD THEIR BREATHS FOR TOO LONG BUT YOU DON'T SEE THAT STOPPING THEM FROM SPLASHING AROUND AND HAVING A GOOD TIME."

 

"Whoo! I got it right. That's... some observation there." Huh, you never really thought about that. "Why are we going to the lake?"

 

"I RESERVED SOME CANOES. I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO RACE."

 

"Wait, I'm already sore from the move! Who're we racing?" You never signed up for this. You're not sure if you're ready for this.

 

"EACH OTHER!"

 

And that's how you died. The end. Rest in peace.

 

 

\--

 

 

You get in the car sore, wet, exhausted, and freezing.

 

You're not going to lie, you had a blast.

 

"I'M ASSUMING YOU WANT THE TOP UP."

 

"Yeah. Thanks. As nice as your car is, I think I'd rather not freeze to death on the way home."

 

"OOOH. WAIT A MOMENT."

 

He gets out and rushes to the trunk, returning with another of his very loud sweaters.

 

"I KEEP THIS IN CASE OF A FASHION EMERGENCY. I WOULDN'T WANT TO GO OUT AND BE WEARING THE SAME THING AS SOMEONE I'M WITH." For some reason you think that it would be highly unlikely for someone to be wearing the same clothing as Papyrus.

 

"Thanks."

 

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE YOUR WET SHIRT OFF? I CAN DO THAT THING-- I'LL TURN AROUND."

 

He's quite gentlemanly about it as you change your shirt. Too bad it only leads to half a dry outfit. There's no way you could fit into his bottoms. The shirt, on the other hand, is comfortably large and pleasantly warm from having sat in trunk under the sun.

 

 

\--

 

 

You get home feeling quite pleased with having gotten to spend a day out with Papyrus-- well, despite the fact that it hurts to breathe. Time to finish unpacking. You need a shower so you grab your essential toiletries and head on over to the bathroom. Oh man, you are looking forward to using their enormous claw-foot tub. A bath wouldn't do you any good right now though-- you're too dirty and full of lake... stuff.

 

It isn't too difficult to squeeze your stuff in with theirs-- all they have is a back brush and a bar of soap each. You suppose it isn't that hard to maintain personal hygiene when all you have is bone. Curious, you open the medicine cabinet. It's extremely spartan. No mouthwash, no meds. Lots of... hydrogen peroxide and baking soda? Well, you suppose bones might stain once in a while... You place your toothbrush in the toothbrush holder and your toothpaste and various other products in the cabinet. There! All settled. Time to hop under that shower.

 

Goodness, it's amazing. The temperature, the pressure on your aching muscles. Papyrus has so much energy. How would you ever survive doing that consistently? A nice lather. A good scrub. The steam fills your nose and lungs. Eventually, so does a song. You let loose and relax. A little self-care goes a long way.

 

 

\--

 

 

You emerge from the bathroom to be greeted by a short snickering skeleton.

 

"What's so funny?"

 

"nice singing there. 's that gonna be a thing?"

 

"Is there something wrong with my shower habits?"

 

"not really. careful not to get any soap in your mouth though--"

 

"I'm not stupid you know--"

 

" 'cause then it'll turn into a _soap opera_."

 

 

You need a moment.

 

 

"d'ya have fun with my bro today?"

 

"Yeah. I'm in a tonne of pain but it was fun."

 

"a _skele-ton_?"

 

"Oh my goodness!"

 

"alright. alright. didja go to the canoe sale while you were up there?"

 

"No, we rented one. Why?"

 

"aw, too bad. i heard it was quite and _oar-deal_."

 

"Pft. So what are you, some kind of comedian?" You're snickering.

 

"yeah, actually." He shrugs.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"yeah. got a side gig." His tone is flat, almost passive. Humble? You don't know him well enough to tell.

 

"Alright then. Give me your worst, _Comic Sans_ ," you challenge with a smirk.

 

He turns around and walks away without a word, ignoring your appalled gesturing in a towel.

 

"Hey, really? That's pretty rude, guy."

 

He closes the door to the apartment behind him without looking back.

 

 

\--

 

 

Reading in your newbedroom is quite nice. Lounging in your bed to rest your sore muscles is helping. Papyrus came in earlier because you had complained about aching muscles. This prompted him to research stretches and force you to loosen up. At least he was kind enough to do the exercises with you. This reading's just what you needed though.

 

There's a knock at your door.

 

"Come in."

 

"heya."

 

"Oh, what, you want to talk now?" Whoops, that came out sounding slightly acidic. Whatever, he was rude first.

 

"heads up."

 

He tosses a package your way. You drop your book onto your lap, _losing your page in the process_ , and fumble with the package upon receiving it.

 

"The heck is this?"

 

"sausages."

 

"I can see that. Why?"

 

"you told me to give you my _wurst_."

 

You sit there trying to not let your mouth gape open like an idiot. "You little shit."

 

His face contorts into an almost evil-looking grin. "what? you asked for it, buddy."

 

"You. Little. Shit. I thought you were being a rude quitter."

 

"nope. whaddaya think i am, some kind of fraud?" That winking is about as smug as one can get, you suppose.

 

"Yeah, actually." You examine the packet. "Veggie dogs?"

 

"yeah. my bro and i are kinda creeped out by the idea of eating vertebrates. well, my bro more than me but whatever. i don't mind if i don't have to eat around bones."

 

"Oooh, cannibals! Cannibals!"

 

"cut it out," he chuckles.

 

"Give me a knife, Mr. Literal."

 

"boo. get out."

 

"This is my room now, fucker," you tease, officially 0% regretting moving in here. Oh, think of all the ways you can playfully get back at him.

 

He blows a raspberry and exits.

 

Wait, hang on, skeletons have tongues? Wait, of course they do if they can speak. How do tongues work on these guys?

 

Was his tongue blue? Why hadn't you noticed that before?

 

 

 


	4. Frozen Faces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exploration.

 

 

Same bed, different room.

 

You're not sure why but you had the impression that you would sleep horribly-- that you'd have terrible nightmares of monsters under your bed. The only problem you encounter, however, is how cold your room feels when you get out from under your blanket in the morning. They keep the place so cold; your nipples could probably cut glass. You hope they won't notice the heat turned up. It would be a lot more subtle if each room had its own heater but unfortunately central heating doesn't work that way. Maybe they won't notice--

 

"what the heck are you doing?"

 

Damn. Busted. Why isn't he still asleep, anyway?

 

"Turning the heat up a bit? I have skin and it gets cold." 

 

"kay that's nice but we're not chargin' you for utilities." Sans doesn't sound angry but his tone is definitely accusatory.

 

"So increase my rent. You guys keep the house so chilly all the time."

 

"it's comfortable the way it is." Aw, that sounded almost cute. Some kind of half-whine?

 

"Can we find some sort of compromise?"

 

"nope. put on some slippers."

 

"Seriously?"

 

"hey if you're cold you could always stand in the corners."

 

"What? Why, are they warmer for some reason?"

 

"well they're usually about _ninety degrees_."

 

"Oh, you shit!"

 

He walks away chortling to himself as Papyrus walk into the apartment in jogging gear. Yikes, how early does he wake up to go for a jog? Also, what is that outfit? It's so... neon and revealing. You can see his spine and become hyperaware of his pelvic and spinal swishing as he walks. This is so bizarre-- it's like watching some sort of educational video on human anatomy or figures in motion. Don't stare. Don't stare. Distract yourself by internally laughing at the, "PLEASE DON'T" added to his "Break Some Rules" shirt. Does he alter all of his printed tees?

 

"Papyrus, I'm turning the heat up," you announce.

 

"DON'T TURN UP THE HEAT." Papyrus calls, flabbergasted as though you had just declared your intent to paint the walls with manure.

 

"You too, Paps?"

 

"OKAY, HOW ABOUT YOU TRY MY PUZZLE. IF YOU CAN SOLVE IT THEN YOU CAN PLAY WITH THE THERMOSTAT. EVEN THOUGH IT WILL RAISE THE UTILITY BILL, INCREASE OUR CARBON FOOTPRINT, AND MAKE ME AND SANS UNCOMFORTABLE..." He's going on, counting on his digits.

 

"Yikes, guilt trip city up in here." This guy's pretty... passive aggressive?

 

"I'M THINKING OF A SEVEN LETTER WORD THAT ACTUALLY CONTAINS THOUSANDS OF LETTERS."

 

"What? That doesn't make sense."

 

"IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE." He bends forward slightly, looking almost intimidating as he revels in his own cleverness.

 

"Alright.. it's..." You pause, counting on your digits this time... Thousand has eight letters so it can't be that. Hundred has seven letters but he said thousands. "... I have no idea."

 

"A MAILBOX!! IT WILL CARRY THOUSANDS OF LETTERS OVER THE COURSE OF ITS LIFE-- UNLESS IT'S SANS', IN WHICH CASE IT MIGHT HAVE THOUSANDS AT A TIME BECAUSE HE NEVER EMPTIES IT."

 

"Hahaha, oh man, that's rough. You got me there."

 

"CAN'T YOU WEAR A SWEATER OR SOMETHING??"

 

Ugh, these guys.

 

"Fine."

 

 

\--

 

 

There's a small space heater on your desk when you get home from work the next day. Attached is a note that reads, "don't stay in your room for too long. you'll feel ICE-olated."

 

"Sans!" It's practically a squawk.

 

You go over and knock on his bedroom door.

 

"Sans?"

 

"OH, ARE YOU LOOKING FOR MY BROTHER?" Papyrus seems to be on his way out of his room for whatever reason.

 

" _No, I'm calling his name for nothing._ "

 

"OH. THAT'S A STRANGE PASTIME. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TEACH YOU HOW I PAINT INSTEAD? IT'S A LOT MORE QUIET."

 

"I was being sarcastic, Papyrus," you chuckle.

 

"RIGHT. I WAS COMPLETELY AWARE OF THAT AND SIMPLY PLAYING ALONG," he bluffs. It's cute when there's colour on his cheeks like that. Mysterious monster magic, indeed.

 

"Pft. Sure you were. Where's Sans?"

 

"HE MAY OR MAY NOT BE WORKING LATE TONIGHT. RATHER, NOT WORKING LATE BUT STAYING AT HIS JOB AND DOING NOTHING LATE." Papyrus looks almost annoyed. "HE'S SO LAZY, HONESTLY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WOULD DO WITHOUT ME TO KICK HIM IN HIS LACK OF A BUTT."

 

You snort.

 

"WHAT? ARE YOU AMUSED BY EXPERTLY CRAFTED HUMOUR?" He raises an eyebrow.

 

"Wait, I'm sorry, did you just raise solid bone?"

 

"...YES? IS THAT WEIRD TO YOU?"

 

"Yeah, actually. Can I touch your face?"

 

"CAN I TOUCH _YOUR_ FACE??" He suddenly sounds like a kid in a candy store.

 

"Yeah, alright! Face-touching party."

 

"GO AHEAD."

 

"Um."

 

"YES?"

 

"Can you bend down just a bit? You're so tall."

 

"OH, RIGHT. OF COURSE-- WAIT! EVEN BETTER, LET'S SIT ON THE COUCH!!" He grabs your wrist and practically lifts you off the ground with how quickly he dashes to the living room.

 

This makes it almost awkward though. You conclude that Papyrus doesn't get social cues or human culture very much.

 

"ALRIGHTY, HERE. TOUCH MY EYEBROWS." He falters for a moment. "JUST. UM. DON'T PUT YOUR FINGERS IN MY EYES. THAT WOULD HURT." Tee-hee that nervous expression is cute.

 

"Gotcha." You place a thumb on the brows above each of his eyes. There's not much give at all. How much pushing is alright? Will it hurt him if you press harder? It more or less feels like solid bone. "Okay. Go."

 

He wiggles them a bit and his brows feel almost like a firm polymer clay before it's had time to warm up.

 

"Ew! It's so weird!"

 

"NO IT ISN'T, WHAT THE HECK?" You can feel his brow furrow under your hands. Kneading your fingers isn't making his skull move.

 

"Oops. Sorry. Well... it's not _weird_ weird. It's just new. Foreign and stuff." You press down more to see how much the bone will move under your touch. Not much. It's a battle.

 

"CAN I TOUCH YOUR FACE NOW??"

 

"Sure, here." You grab his hand and place it on your cheek. The soft leather of his glove feels slightly cool against your skin. "Same deal with my eyes. Don't touch."

 

"HMM... THAT'S NOT RIGHT AT ALL," he objects, dissatisfied, taking his gloves off and trying again with both hands. "THERE WE GO. MUCH BETTER." You're not sure why but you secretly wondered if he harboured some immense secret about his hands because he always prefers to wear gloves. Maybe something to be ashamed of. You guess not though. "WOWIE!! ARE ALL HUMANS THIS SOFT??"

 

"Pretty much." You stiffen a bit at the feeling of two enormous skeletal hands kneading the flesh on your face.

 

He seems excited by the way your jaw moved under your skin when you spoke. A hand on your chin opens your mouth and he tests the elasticity of your cheeks by pushing one side in and then hooking the side of your mouth and pulling outward slightly. He gets bored of this quickly and moves on. It takes a moment to get used to but you eventually manage a smile. Some more facial expressions follow. Papyrus moves from your cheeks to your forehead, your neck, your trapezius, and shoulders, before exploring back upward again. Meanwhile, your curious hands explore his zygomatic arches, his nasal bone. You tuck your fingers into the crevice of his temporal bone and trace the outline of the small holes where his ears would be if he had any. These small holes are technically ear holes, right? You explore his first few vertebrae and move back to trace along the bottom of his mandible, gauging his reactions and how much the bones will move under varying amounts of pressure. Papyrus, on the other hand, is incredibly fascinated by the cartilage of our nose.

 

The sound of a throat being cleared. Wait, that wasn't a throat. Skeletons don't have throats, right? You and Papyrus look over the the front door where Sans is standing with a mixture of surprise and embarrassment on his face. What? Oh, huh, when did Papyrus get on top of you? Yeah, this looks way more intimate than it should. Oops.

 

"Hi Sans." That sounded about as sheepish as you feel.

 

"SANS! COME HERE AND TOUCH HER FACE!!"

 

Oh, of course now is about when you realize exactly how close Papyrus' face is to yours.

 

"D-do you want to? Papyrus let me touch his face because I thought skeleton faces were weird. Turns out they aren't weird at all," you lie. They're still weird as heck.

 

"naw i'm good."

 

"You sure, dude? It's now or never. You don't have to let me touch yours or anything." Sitting up forces Papyrus off you.

 

"m-maybe. um." He sounds uncomfortable and on the spot, shuffles over and gives your cheek a stiff prod. That kind of hurt, actually. Papyrus scoots away, gets up, and heads over to the kitchen to prep dinner. You can see Sans' jaw slacken slightly as he begins to push your cheek around. His skeptical expression shifts to a grin as he moves his other hand to your face and starts pinching you here and there, discovering the bones under your skin.

 

"yeah, alright, this is pretty cool." He runs his phalanges over the ridges of your teeth through your cheek and lifts your upper lip to inspect said teeth for a moment. "heh, this is so weird. why are your teeth the only visible part of your skeleton?"

 

"Heck if I know, dude."

 

"man, humans are weird," he muses, continuing to knead your cheeks now. His thumbs bush up under your chin.

 

He moves your hair around despite not looking as comfortable touching your hair, and fools around with your ears a bit. Back to the cheeks after a while. He finds your zygomatic arches and follows them. You close your eyes and lose yourself in thought, happy with the free massage, and are only jolted back to reality when you feel the contact of Sans' cold forehead on yours. You recoil slightly, caught off guard, as does he.

 

"s-sorry! sorry. got carried away." He looks thoroughly embarrassed now. The lights in his eyes contracted for a brief moment.

 

"D-don't worry about it. You just surprised me is all," you stammer.

 

"alright. um," he's not making eye contact. "anyway, i'm gonna put my stuff in my room and then hang around the kitchen or something."Is being awkward a skeleton thing? It's not that big of a deal. Maybe he didn't realize he was doing it to begin with.

 

"Okay. Thanks for the heater by the way."

 

"eh. no problem. keep your mitts off the thermostat."

 

"Fine. Fine."

 

You'll see how much you can get away with turning up the heat when he's not home. 

 

 

 


	5. Sick Skipping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Initiating Hermit Mode

 

 

The addition of your coworkers finding out that you moved in with a bunch of monsters isn't helping your stress level. It's not that they're outright hateful. It's more that they can't seem to wrap their heads around the fact that humans and monsters are sharing a living space when they can barely share public spaces. It's not as though humans went out of their way to make segregated spaces and laws or anything. It's more that monsters tend to keep to themselves out of fear of humans and vice versa. Some people have tried to maintain a relationship. Heck, some businesses employ both monsters and humans. It's slightly difficult considering how different the cultures are.

 

Having let your coworkers know about your situation didn't cause them to lash out. It was more of a subtle scrutiny, an occasional snide comment, and _incessant questions_. You invited some coworkers over so they can see for themselves that monsters are just like humans; freaky-looking puzzle-making humans with magic. They're not even that freaky when you get used to them. You've come to appreciate the beauty of bone. Sure, skeletons eating still grosses you the hell out but you might even be able to get used to that.

 

So you got sick. Some sort of stomach thing. You're pretty sure it's something you ate. You'll be fine in no time. Probably. The stress on top of that was a little much to bear so you're splayed on the couch much earlier than you normally would be.

 

Papyrus gets home... in uniform?

 

Hang on, what?

 

"Papyrus, what the hell? You didn't tell me you were a cop!"

 

"OH HELLO!! YOU'RE HOME EARLY."

 

"Dude, what's up with that? Why didn't you tell me you're a cop?"

 

"BECAUSE I'M NOT? I'M ONLY IN THE ACADEMY." He shrugs, putting down a bag and beginning to take off his shoes.

 

You're still trying to get over the fact that they're technically letting monsters onto the force now though you have yet seen a monster in a police uniform. Frankly, it quite suits him.

 

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT?"

 

"Yeah, why?"

 

"YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME STRANGELY. EVERYONE LOOKS AT ME STRANGELY WHEN I'M IN MY UNIFORM."

 

Shit, you must have been staring really hard for even someone as oblivious as Papyrus to notice.

 

"It looks good on you!" Honesty is the best policy, right? "You have a nice figure."

 

"I THOUGH SO!! PEOPLE CAN'T SEEM TO GET OVER HOW GREAT I AM. I CAN'T HELP BUT BE THE IMAGE OF GREATNESS NO MATTER WHAT. I AM VERY COOL BUT PLEASE DON'T BE TOO INTIMIDATED." He winks at you.

 

For some reason you highly doubt that's why people stare at Papyrus but you can't help but crack a smile.

 

"So what're you learning at school then?"

 

"WELL!!" He suddenly looks incredibly proud. "I'M ALMOST DONE MY COURSES SO I START FIELD TRAINING WITH A MENTOR IN A FEW WEEKS."

 

"What courses?"

 

"OH!!" He saunters over to join you on the couch. "THEY'RE QUITE THOROUGH. I'VE DONE THE BORING STUFF-- REPORT WRITING," he begins to count them out on his fingers, "PATROLLING, INVESTIGATIONS TRAINING. HMM... WE HAVE PROFESSIONALISM, COMMUNICATIONS, AND COMPUTER TRAINING, ETHICS, STRESS MANAGEMENT-- ALL A LITTLE BORING."

 

"But you need them."

 

"TRUE. THE LAW CLASSES ARE MILDLY INTERESTING. I'VE STUDIED ADULT AND JUVENILE HUMAN LAWS AS WELL AS TRAFFIC LAWS." He speeds up, suddenly excited. "DID YOU KNOW THEY'LL IMPOUND YOUR CAR IF YOU DRIVE OVER A CERTAIN SPEED?? GLAD I FOUND THAT OUT!! NYEH HEH. OOPS!! DODGED A BULLET THERE."

 

" _Papyrus_."

 

"THERE'S THE _REALLY_ FUN STUFF SUCH AS EMERGENCY VEHICLE OPERATIONS-- OOOOH YOU SHOULD SEE THE CLOSED COURSE THEY LET US SPEED THROUGH!!" He's positively giddy. "WE HAVE DEFENSIVE TACTICS AND LEGAL USE OF FORCE TRAINING, DRILL, NONLETHAL WEAPONS AND FIREARMS TRAINING-- I'M STILL TAKING THOSE. I'M NOT AT ALL FOND OF GUNS!! THEY'RE SCARY AND THE RECOIL RATTLES MY BONES." He takes a moment to rub his forearms. "I HAVE TO RETAKE HUMAN FIRST AID AND CPR."

 

"Oh? Failed it? I thought you couldn't fail at anything," you tease.

 

"I DIDN'T FAIL!! I-- ERM--"

 

"Hang on. How does the breathing part even work for you without lungs anyway?"

 

"M-MAGIC?"

 

"Do you exhale oxygen? Carbon dioxide? How do you breathe, my dude?"

 

"I-I DON'T KNOW??" Whoops you made him nervous. Or maybe pointing out that he failed at something made him nervous.

 

"Sorry. Keep going. You have to retake first aid and CPR? What happened?"

 

"I UM..." He looks away, obviously nervous.

 

"Yes?"

 

"I MAY OR MAY NOT... HAVE FAINTED EVERY TIME WE GOT TO THE BONE BREAKS MODULE."

 

"Oh nooooo. Pappy." You'd probably be reacting more dramatically if you weren't sick and in pain.

 

"STOP LAUGHING!!"

 

"I'm sorry," you wheeze. Something about Papyrus out cold in the middle of a first aid class seems incredibly funny. You bet they wouldn't know how to administer first aid on a skeleton. How does one treat them for shock?

 

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!! OH MY GOSH, HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH SUCH LOW BONE DENSITY??"

 

"Have you ever broken a bone?"

 

"NO?? THANK GOODNESS!! DEPENDING ON WHICH BONE IT IS AND THE SEVERITY OF THE FRACTURE YOU CAN LOSE A LIMB!! ULNA? FINE. TIBIA? FINE!! FEMUR OR HUMERUS? NOPE. NOPE!! NOPE!! NO THANK YOU." Wow, he's really freaking out.

 

"The good news is that most humans won't lose a limb like that so you won't have to deal with it as a first aider." You shrug and give him your most Sans-esque wink.

 

"I STILL CAN'T STAND THE IMAGES THEY PUT UP."

 

"Awwww."

 

"A-ANYWAY, THIS WAS A NICE CHAT BUT I HAVE TO CHANGE AND GET READY FOR MOVIE NIGHT." He seems set on changing the subject from broken bones. "DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MOVIE NIGHT TONIGHT??"

 

"No?" You are way too sick to deal.

 

"OH WELL, WE HAVE SOME FRIENDS OVER FOR MOVIES ONCE A WEEK. YOU'RE INVITED TO JOIN." He springs off the couch and seems quite intent on heading to his bedroom.

 

"Maybe. I'm kind of sick. That's why I'm home so early and in my pyjamas. I'm not sure I want to get dressed." You're so not in the mood for a big crowd of strange monsters right now.

 

"EXCELLENT. SEE YOU THERE."

 

"No, Papyrus, for real, I feel nasty. I might go to sleep right after dinner."

 

"REALLY? WELL!! THAT'S ALRIGHT!! YOU CAN JOIN US NEXT WEEK. I CAN MAKE SURE TO PROPERLY INTRODUCE YOU! NYEH HEH HEH." Oh man, he looks so adorable posing in that uniform. How could you say no?

 

"Fine."

 

Papyrus heads over to his room, satisfied, and returns shortly.

 

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME TO THE STORE? SOME FRESH AIR MIGHT DO YOU WELL," he offers. It's nice to hear him trying to be soothing. It's a good reminder that monsters are loving, caring people and not terrifying murderous beasts hiding under children's beds at night.

 

You groan and roll over, pulling your knees up defensively. Outside is the last place you would like to be right now.

 

"WELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE THAT DRAMATIC," he laughs. "WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PICK ANYTHING UP FOR YOU?"

 

"Juice please."

 

"JUICE." He poses dramatically. "DULY NOTED."

 

"Papyrus, what does your brother do for a living?"

 

He stops to ponder for a moment. "VERY MUCH YET VERY LITTLE." He furrows his brow.

 

"Oh... kay?" That seems like a touchy subject. Then again, maybe you're reading into it too much.

 

"WELL, I'M OFF. SEE YOU LATER THEN." He dips into his room to change.

 

"Later," you call, already half-asleep as he walks by on his way out.

 

You're woken up by the sound of the apartment door opening and groan because of your headache. That's it, you're moving to bed.

 

"sorry kiddo. didn't mean to wake you."

 

Another groan on your part.

 

"you alright? no complaining _sofa_ -r?"

 

You groan again. "Sans, no."

 

"huh, you look pretty beat. if you get up and go to your room it'll get _bed-_ der, i promise." At least there's a tiny hint of concern in his expression as he hovers over you.

 

"Why won't you stop?"

 

"yeah, i probably _otto_ , _man_." He cracks a huge grin at the particularly bad one. Is he more amused the worse they are or something? He extends a hand to help you up.

 

"Fine," you take it. He helps you up and you wobble over to your room, feeling like you're going to pass out on the way.

 

 

\--

 

 

You wake up a few hours later. The sun's gone down and there are merry voices in the apartment. Movie night must be a hit. You discover a tall glass of fruit juice on your bedside table. You down it and shimmy back into a comfortable sleeping position. You're half-asleep when your eyes shift to the slightly ajar door and spot a short figure staring at you through the tiny crack. It looks startled and shuts the door.

 

Rude?

 

 

...Creepy?

 

 

\--

 

 

You admittedly feel much better after a full night's rest. All you needed to do was sweat it out. A nice shower and you're ready to grab the day by the horns. You start cooking breakfast before Papyrus gets back from his morning jog. You're not sure how monster fitness works but assume that Papyrus is quite fit even by monster standards. Well, judging by how much your body suffered after spending a day out with him, you'd say that by any standards.

 

The skeleton that lazily shifted into the table behind you on the other hand...

 

"Morning Sans."

 

He yawns hugely. "morning. sleep well? feelin' better?"

 

"Yeah. Much better, thanks."

 

"heh. thought it might be the flu. heard it's going real _viral_ this year."

 

"No. Stop. It's too early."

 

"fine. fine."

 

Food's ready. You sit down next to him and the two of you eat while it's still hot. Papyrus is later than usual.

 

"So what do you do for a living anyway?"

 

He raises a brow and glances sideways at you. Hoo boy that sent some walls up. Suspicious skeleton alert.

 

"why'd you wanna know?"

 

"Just curious. I found out that Papyrus is training to be a cop. That's pretty cool. I hope he does well socially."

 

"yeah, my bro's so cool. he can do anything." The corner of his mouth twitches ever so slightly.

 

"What's up?"

 

"nothing."

 

You raise a brow. "Sure you don't want to talk?"

 

"no offence but i barely know you."

 

You stop eating and wrap an arm around him, tell him your date of birth, blood type, what you do for a living, date of last menstrual period, favourite hobbies and pastimes, first crush's name, and childhood dream job you never pursued. "There. Now you know me. Your turn."

 

Sans has gone stiff as a board. His face is bright as he gets off his chair and awkwardly shuffles off to his bedroom, abandoning his breakfast.

 

"You know that's not a very good way to make friends, right?"

 

He's chosen to ignore you.

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Toilet Paper and the Other Kind of Runs

It took Sans an entire day to start talking to you again. That guy sure knows how to put up a wall when you encroach on his privacy. Part of you vaguely wonders if he's constantly joking around to deter people from getting to know the real him. Well, it crossed your mind for a second anyway. Maybe you're reading into it too much.

 

Back to reading in your room after a long day at work. At least you didn't have to finish your breakfast alone this morning. Papyrus got home from his run and you persuaded him to eat before hopping into the shower. Living with skeletons isn't bad. Sometimes you wonder why Papyrus uses the main bathroom when he has an en-suite bathroom. He never seems to use that one though you noticed that it has a rather fancy-looking shower. Maybe it's simply a preference.

 

"EXCUSE ME, ______?"

 

"Hm?"

 

"MAY I HAVE A WORD?"

 

"Sure, come on in."

 

"I KNOW YOU JUST MOVED IN HERE AND YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER BUT DON'T WORRY--"

 

"Is this about Sans?" You might still be feeling a little guilty for setting him off.

 

"I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. BUT!! FEAR NOT AND COME WITH ME. I'M ABOUT TO DIVULGE THE ANSWER ANSWER TO A SIMPLE PUZZLE." You need to stop staring at these guys but they're making it incredibly difficult by existing. Papyrus is wearing a tight turtleneck sweater. It's caressing each rib and bunching up right under his ribcage due to his lack of an abdomen. Goodness, his pants are too low to cover his ilia as the shirt fabric pools into his pelvis. Those hipbones are sticking right out, whoo, alrighty. You sure do live with skeletons. That's a thing. Get used to seeing a pelvis every now and then.

 

"Pardon?" Don't let your eyes linger!! Look at his face!!

 

He grabs you by the wrist and guides you to the main bathroom, oblivious.

 

"HERE."

 

"Why are we in the bathroom?"

 

"HERE!!" He frustratedly motions to the toilet paper.

 

"Oh... kay? Is it going to trigger a trap or puzzle or something if I touch it?"

 

"NO!! NO!! YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG. I'M HERE TO TEACH YOU HOW TO PUT TOILET PAPER ON THE HOLDER PROPERLY. I KNOW IT SEEMS LIKE A RATHER TRICKY PUZZLE BUT IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE EASY." He takes the roll off the holder.

 

"Papyrus, you're being condescending. Sorry for putting the toilet paper on backward. I'll fix it, geez." You take the roll from his hands and flip it. "There. Happy?"

 

"WOWIE!! YOU FIGURED IT OUT WITHOUT MY HELP!!"

 

Is he... serious? Oh gosh he's serious. He really believes it's a puzzle. Oh goodness.

 

"No trouble here. I just preferred it the other way."

 

"WHAT?? WHY?? THAT'S COMPLETELY ABOMINABLE."

 

"Papyrus, you don't even use the toilet. Why do you care?"

 

"BECAUSE IT'S ABOMINABLE. WHY THE HECK WOULD YOU DISPENSE TOILET PAPER THAT WAY?"

 

"Because it's logical and convenient?"

 

"NO. IT'S WRONG. COMPLETELY OBJECTIVELY WRONG. I FEEL VERY STRONGLY ABOUT THIS."

 

"Fine. Look. It's already back the way you want it. It's fine. Goodness."

 

He places a hand on each of your arms and lowers himself so that his eyes are level with yours. "PLEASE ________, PROMISE ME YOU'LL ONLY WALK IN THE LIGHT FROM NOW ON. TELL ME I'VE INSPIRED YOU TO DISPENSE BATHROOM TISSUES IN A LOGICAL MANNER."

 

 _"What would I do without you, Papyrus?"_ You try not to roll your eyes too hard.

 

"NOT MUCH, CLEARLY."

 

 

\--

 

 

Papyrus wakes you up at some ungodly hour.

 

"WAKE UP, _____!!"

 

"Nooo? Why?!"

 

"ARE YOU STILL SICK??"

 

"No, I've been better for days now."

 

"COME FOR A JOG WITH ME."

 

"Nooo. Go away. It's so early; I'll kill you."

 

"EXCELLENT, HERE YOU GO." He tosses some comfortable clothes onto the bed.

 

"Did you go through my drawers?"

 

"OF COURSE. I HAD TO GET CLOTHES FOR YOUR TRAINING."

 

"What training?"

 

"WITH ME, OF COURSE."

 

"Nuh-nuh-nuh-nooo." You wag your finger. "I don't get out of bed this early; and I don't do Papyrus-levels of exercise."

 

"ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE SPIKES? ARE THE SPIKES TOO MUCH?? PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME TO TONE IT DOWN WITH THE SPIKES."

 

"What spikes?"

 

"ON THE RACETRACK."

 

"I'm not jumping over spikes."

 

"OH NO, YOU DON'T JUMP OVER THEM. YOU SOLVE PUZZLES TO GET PAST THEM. I RECENTLY RECALIBRATED THEM."

 

You groan and bury yourself under your blanket. "Take Sans instead."

 

"NYEH HEH HEH YOUR JOKES ARE ACTUALLY FUNNY. SANS WOULD NEVER. ALTHOUGH HE COULD LEARN FROM YOUR BRAND OF HUMOUR."

 

_"I'm flattered."_

 

"GIVE IT A TRY!"

 

"Leeeeeeave!"

 

"SOLVE MY PUZZLE AND I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE."

 

"Fine!"

 

"WHAT KIND OF DOG KEEPS THE BEST TIME?"

 

"That little white one that writes the music? He keeps the tempo?" It's too early for this nonsense.

 

"NO!! A _WATCH-DOG!!_ NYEH HEH HEH!!"

 

"Well, I didn't expect a pun answer. Not from you anyway."

 

"IT'S NOT A PUN!! IT'S-- IT'S A VERY CLEVER RIDDLE!!" Haha, he's so indignant. Look at him sweat.

 

"You've been spending time with your bro~" you singsong. "It's cute."

 

"CUT IT OUT!! YOU FAILED. NOW YOU HAVE TO RUN."

 

You giggle until he rips the blanket off you, tugging at your shirt.

 

"Oh my gosh, _fine!_ Get out and let me change. Sheesh, dude, can you not tug at my clothes?"

 

"ARE YOU REALLY COMING FOR REALSIES?" He holds his hands up to his face and the lights in his eyes dilate so much that you'd be able to see them at quite a distance. Rattling bone sounds fill the room.

 

"Yes. Get out. I'll change."

 

"WOWIE!! I'LL BE WAITING BY THE DOOR." He jogs on the spot before dashing off. The sound of him continuing to jog in place by the door fills the apartment. Does Sans sleep through this?

 

 

\--

 

 

Everything hurts. It hurts to move. It hurts to breathe.

 

There were no spikes. Someone must have removed them out of concern for public safety, not to your surprise. Pushed way past your limits, you eventually collapsed, chest heaving and needing Papyrus to wrap an arm around you for support. Finally giving up, he picked you up and carried you home. You gripped him for dear life and he didn't seem to mind you wrapping your legs around him and essentially sitting on his pelvis, which sounds a lot more comfortable in theory, as he held you to his chest. You're probably going to have bruises there for days. Your breathing was ragged and it took you almost fifteen minutes to catch your breath. At least Papyrus was comforting as you gasped and sputtered in his arms. He was encouraging, praising you for your efforts and promising to go easier on you next time. Either Papyrus is strong or skeletons, in general, are strong because he didn't seem to have any problem carrying you. Well, minus the fact that he seemed mildly ticklish.

 

On the bright side, you did recover by the time you got home.

 

A long cold shower, a big breakfast, and you actually felt pretty good by the time you had to leave for work.

 

A full day of work after death-run with Papyrus. Why? What deity did you anger?

 

You get home, griping about your soreness. You felt much better this morning than you do now.

 

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT?"

 

"No. I hate this. I'm in pain from you making me exercise like a maniac."

 

"HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THIS TO MY DEAR FRIEND?" He walks up, pulls you into a hug, and pets your head with overly theatric strokes. "NO, WAIT, THAT'S WRONG!! I CAN'T FAIL AT ANYTHING!"

 

"Well, I'm dying."

 

"DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL GET INTO SHAPE SOON ENOUGH. YOU MIGHT EVEN HAVE SWEET BICEPS LIKE MINE ONE DAY." He releases you to strike a pose.

 

"Papyrus, you don't have biceps. You have bone."

 

"NOOOOO!!! MY SECRET!! REVEALED!!"

 

"Dude, it wasn't much of a secret," you laugh. "You're a skeleton."

 

"NOOOOO!!!"

 

Interesting how quickly a distressed Papyrus can summon Sans to a room. "s'okay. he might not have biceps but he sure has _nice_ ps." Sans waggles his brows.

 

"Sans! That was bad!"

 

"you're laughing. both of you."

 

"TERRIBLE! AS TERRIBLE AS REALITY ITSELF."

 

"Ah, so you admit that you don't have biceps."

 

"I HAVE SKELETON BICEPS!!" Papyrus' indignant face is precious.

 

"Fine. _Fine_." You pinch his flexing arm and he flinches slightly. Oh, ho! He does seem to be ticklish. "Quite dense. Model bone, indeed." Rub rub. Tickle tickle.

 

"YOU _SEE??_ I'M PERFECT." He's trying to maintain his composure as you tickle him so you show a little mercy and release his humerus.

 

 

\--

 

 

You collapse onto the couch next to Sans, who's reading a joke book.

 

"no pain no gain, kiddo."

 

"I don't see you exercising."

 

"what? i exercise every day."

 

 _"Really?"_ You have a hard time believing it.

 

"yep. my favourite's a nice hybrid between a lunge and a crunch."

 

"How do you even fuse a lunge and a crunch?"

 

"a _lunch_. heh." He rubs his nonexistent belly, causing his shirt to cave in and making the base of his ribcage appear quite prominent.

 

"Boo," you heckle. "Keep it up and I'll be lunging for you!"

 

"running for my bro and lunging for me? we'll have you ripped in no time if you keep it up," he teases.

 

"Actually, forget it. I'm too sore."

 

"i do exercise for real though."

 

"Why do I doubt this?"

 

"i exercise my right to not exercise."

 

"That was terrible but I might steal it next time Papyrus tries to murder me."

 

"heh. sorry for your loss. you're welcome to read my joke book if it'll cheer you up."

 

"Let's see." You crane your head over and skim for a second before stopping on a particularly bad one. "These aren't very good."

 

"it's not the best," he admits. "i've read better."

 

"Any favourites?"

 

"meh."

 

"You're kinda passive, huh?"

 

"meh."

 

"Talkative too-oo," you yawn hugely.

 

"pft. you sound beat, kid."

 

"I think your brother's made it his mission to kick my ass into shape. It's terrifying." If it weren't for his upbeat personality and purity, you'd probably be having none of it. Something about Papyrus makes it difficult to say no.

 

Sans laughs earnestly, "good luck with your life."

 

You spend the evening telling each other bad jokes, wishing your muscles didn't hurt every time you laughed.

 

 

\--

 

 

Another morning with Papyrus. Another death run. He pushes you just enough to get you sputtering and gasping for air but this time he helps you pace yourself so that you can jog for the full course. He's obviously slowing himself down to keep you company. Apparently he doesn't mind because he says he gets plenty of exercise at school. Why the hell does he exercise in the morning if he does physical training at school? Is human training insufficient for monsters?

 

You're still gasping slightly when you get home. Collapse face down onto the couch a bit before you shower and eat breakfast. Sans comes in and rests a hand on your back as your chest heaves.

 

"you've got this, kiddo."

 

"easy," pant, "for you to say," you wheeze.

 

The hand resting on your back kneads and pats you, not lifting until your breathing normalizes.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get Swole


	7. The Gang's All Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You meet some monsters.

 

 

 

Long day at work. You get home much later than usual and will definitely have to reheat your dinner. The room goes silent when you walk into the condo.

 

Oh. Right. It's movie night.

 

You stare at a sea-- okay well, maybe a small lake-- of unfamiliar faces all staring back in awe. It smells like a zoo.

 

 

Um.

 

 

"WHHAAAAAAAT?? Papyrus!! You never said it was a human, punk!!" Oh goodness, that fish monster has too many rows of teeth. She's like a shark. A terrifying deadly shark. She sprung up and roughly put Papyrus in a headlock. Please don't let her be slimy. Please don't let her be slimy.

 

"NOO!! PLEASE DON'T NOOGIE THE SKELETON!!"

 

"Serves you right, Papyrus! Fufufufufufuu!" Oh goodness, even her cackle is terrifying. You scan the room-- there's an iguana; a honey-coloured panic-stricken undersized Godzilla-esque kaiju. She's frantically trying to restrain the fish monster, who's turned to look in your direction. Meanwhile, Sans is leaning backward into an enormous yet extremely elegant-looking... goat? They're lost to laughter and you're not sure if it's from the evil-looking swamp monster shark lady or some bad joke Sans cracked. Your eyes leave them to spot the most terrifying monster known to mankind: the human teenager.

 

Oh, it's going to be interesting living here. Oh boy. You can't believe it actually smells like a zoo or a farm-- maybe both? Some kind of musky fishy aroma is in the air. Monsters sure do have interesting scents. It's not something you wouldn't be able to get used to--

 

"I'm talking to you, Punk."

 

When did the fish lady get right up in your face?

 

"Oh my, Undyne," chuckles the goat, "you've scared the poor dear half to death. Her eyes have glazed over." So that's the Undyne you've heard of.

 

"heh, a poor _deer_ in the headlights, more like," Sans interjects.

 

A bleat-like laugh escapes her and she doubles over, snorting as Papyrus cringes, recovering from his headlock.

 

"Um. H-hi? Hello. N-nice to meet you. I'm ______." Try not to look too tense, stupid. They're not going to hurt you. They're just loud. And rowdy. And smelly. And confrontational. Oh goodness. Sans warned you that you hadn't greeted him and Papyrus properly. The proper courtesy is to kiss a monster when you meet them. You really don't want to kiss the fish lady. She's scary and has multiple rows of teeth. Oh man, okay. Take one for the team.

 

You lean in and give her a kiss.

 

The room erupts into laughter as Undyne recoils, aghast.

 

"It kissed me! The human kissed me--! What the _heck??"_

 

She turns to look at the honey lizard, who's making an unholy gurgling noise as its face twitches, claws digging into the couch so deep you think it's going to tear.

 

Sans and the goat are in _tears_. They high-five and the goat lady looks like she can't breathe. Papyrus looks confused that even the teen is cackling.

 

Undyne's still trying to make heads or tails of what just happened. "Did you just--? Why would you?? What??"

 

"Sans!!" You squawk.

 

"i can't believe she fell for it," Sans wheezes.

 

"Nooo," cries the goat, "the poor child. I cannot believe either." Her cackles sounds halfway between a bleat and a moo.

 

"SANS, WHAT DID YOU TELL HER TO DO???"

 

"Sans," the goat gasps, "told her that-- monsters greet new people by," she snorts, "kissing on the mouth."

 

"I'm going to kill you!" you cry.

 

"No I'm going to kill you," Undyne roars.

 

"Oh my goodness I'm so sorry," you plead. "Sans is an _asshole_."

 

"It's alright, ______.I'm Undyne." She sticks a webbed hand out for a handshake, clearly still rattled. That sure is a strong grip. "Ex captain of the royal guard but now I beat little children into shape all day. You look like you could use some work." She snickers, eyeing her newfound prey.

 

"I'M ALREADY ON IT, UNDYNE!!" Thank you, Papyrus.

 

Hey, wait a second!! Rude?

 

"Do I really have, 'please make me exercise,' plastered to my forehead or something?" You're indignant now. Why the hell are they being so damn rude? Is not having social skills a monster thing or what? What the fuck, you can't just walk into someone's home and tell them they need fixing up!

 

"Yeah?! I can tell you're out of shape."

 

Okay, maybe you're breathing the way you are because you're terrified that she'll tear you apart with her multiple rows of teeth.

 

The goat monster finishes crying and stands up. Whoa, she's even taller than Papyrus. Come to think of it, the fish lady towering over you is almost Papyrus' height too. Are all the monsters you're going to meet enormous? At least you have the honey lizard. Sweet, sweet, honey lizard.

 

"Undyne, you are scaring the poor thing." Yikes, you'd almost face Undyne than that terrifying mom glare.

 

"Aw maaaan." Undyne groans as she looks back at the glaring goat. "Sorry Tori." She backs off.

 

"I imagine it would be quite shocking to come home to a crowd of unfamiliar faces." She extends an enormous clawed hand. Huh, no hooves? "Greetings. I am Toriel."

 

"Hello Toriel." You take her hand and she pulls you into a hug. You're immediately comforted by her softness and warmth. Sans was smart to be semi-buried in her fur on the couch. Why does falling asleep on her sound like the best idea ever?

 

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT, _______?" Papyrus has approached.

 

"Yeah, why?"

 

"YOU LOOK PALE."

 

"I'm alright, Paps." Maybe meeting all these monsters at once was more stressful than anticipated.

 

You want to sleep on the goat lady and it looks like you'll be getting your wish as Toriel guides you to the couch. The teenager moves to give you room and you sit up against her soft fur. Yesssss. She smells goat-like... in a good way? Musky? Nostalgic farm and petting zoo thoughts hit you and you wonder why her fur isn't bristly.

 

"SO. EVERYONE," Papyrus puts his hands on his hips. "THIS IS _______. SHE'S EXTREMELY GOOD AT PUZZLES."

 

A collective, "oooooh."

 

"Sh-show us," squeaks the honey lizard. No, honey lizard! You were liking her the most so far. Well, aside from this cozy goat lady. Goodness, Toriel is soft. Is it creepy to want to bury yourself in her fur? She has such a comfortable layer of fat underneath. You'd fall asleep right here and now if you weren't so stressed.

 

Papyrus turns to you with a fierce expression and points with his entire arm, a hand on his hip. Oh goodness, he looks like he's bringing out the big guns. In front of everyone. No pressure.

 

Gulp.

 

"WHAT'S STILL USEFUL TWICE A DAY EVEN WHEN BROKEN?"

 

Seriously? Come on, even kids know this one. 

 

"It's a clock."

 

A collective gasp.

 

"REALLY? IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO COME UP WITH THAT ONE!!"

 

Polite yet impressed applause. Even Undyne looks impressed. Toriel nods and Sans gives you a thumbs up. Are they for real? They can't be for real. That was the easiest riddle known to man.

 

"Papyrus, remind me to get you a human riddle book for Christmas."

 

"WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU? DON'T SPOIL THE SURPRISE!!" Oops, was that another cultural faux pas?

 

"Sorry?"

 

"IT'S FINE." He sits down. "SO. YOU'VE MET TORIEL AND UNDYNE."

 

"Hey, punk, you're alright. For a human. I guess," interjects Undyne.

 

Toriel gives you a comforting pet. Fuck it, you lean right into her. Why does it feel like she would protect you from all these strangers when she herself if a stranger to you?

 

"THIS IS ALPHYS." Papyrus motions to the honey lizard. That's cute. Aaah, she's fidgeting nervously; probably as scared of you as you are of these guys. "THE OTHER HUMAN IS FRISK. THEY'RE THE HUMAN THAT BROKE THE BARRIER AND FREED US."

 

The other monsters all beam at Frisk, who brushes it off awkwardly. Yup, definitely an awkward teen. Bless. You've heard rumours of people hating the child who broke the barrier and releasing "evil" into the world. Lots of hateful, resentful comments. Not too many people actually knew what the kid looked like but you have all sorts of questions. Why was Frisk never on television? They weren't even on the news. There was a statement released by the monster king testifying that it was indeed a human child. Still, that's interesting. If it happened as long ago as it did, Frisk must have been... well you can't tell exactly how old they are. Are they in middle school right now? High school?

 

"Would you like some dinner, dear? Frisk and I brought a pie." Toriel offers in the sweetest tone, changing the subject. Oh no, she's so kind! What is this?

 

"I helped make it! It's good!" Now Frisk is the one beaming.

 

"heh. workin' on your fire magic, huh." Sans leans forward just enough for your to see him wink on the other side of Toriel.

 

"Pft! Ask if, Sans. You know mom fires it up." Ahaha, there's just the right level of sass in their voice. Maybe it's alright because it's Sans. You can't help but be a little sassy with Sans yourself. What about him invites that, you wonder.

 

Wait, _mom?!_

 

"Oh if I could teach Frisk fire magic I would." Toriel seems almost upset at the idea of Frisk not being able to use magic.

 

"Excuse me, did they say mom?" You try not to let your mouth gape.

 

"Did nobody tell you beforehand? I am Frisk's guardian."

 

"Nobody told me anything."

 

"WE DIDN'T WANT TO SPOIL THE SURPRISE!!"

 

"I think I'll take you up on that pie right about now," you wheeze. Halfway through being hungry and wanting to stress-eat at this point. That pie is sounding like an excellent idea.

 

"Oooh c'mon then." Frisk jumps to their feet and grabs your sleeve, motioning you to the kitchen. "I'm excited to hear what you think. You don't have any food allergies or dietary restrictions, do you?"

 

"Not in this universe," you sass excitedly.

 

"Okay, okay." They remove the foil keeping it warm and plate a slice for you. Frisk's familiarity with your kitchen leads you to assume they're more of less to be treated like family. "Here, it's still toasty!"

 

You take a bite. It's chewy. What hell is this earthy, almost nutty custardy garlicky pie? It's good, whatever it is. Squishy mushrooms.

 

"Thumbs up. This is great."

 

"Mom! She likes snails!!" Frisk excitedly calls into the living room.

 

An excited buzz fills the place as you finish your slice.

 

"Snails? You usually see that in fancy restaurants. Is that a monster thing?"

 

"I suppose. Pretty good, huh?"

 

"I've got to hand it to you, this is quite excellent."

 

"I'm glad. Mom's fire magic helps. Fire magic makes like, _anything_ taste good."

 

"Is she a good mom?" Hopefully that didn't sound rude. You tried to make it as casual as possible so they'll read your good intentions.

 

"The b _est!"_ Sometimes I'd have nightmares as a kid and she'd let me sleep in her bed and cuddle into her fur. It crackles with some kind of love or magic or-- I don't know-- _something!"_

 

"Oh man, I think I know what you're talking about. I was leaning against her on the couch and I practically fell asleep."

 

"Hahaha. Sans falls asleep on her like, almost once a month."

 

"He'll fall asleep on anything, I bet. When I was moving in, he fell asleep in one of my laundry boxes like some kind of cat."

 

"Ha! Typical."

 

You finish your slice and decide that you like this kid. They're alright.

 

"Glad you liked the pie. You know, Papyrus took like, _forever_ to come around. He likes snails but he thought pies were obscene for like, the longest time."

 

"Really? Why would he think that?"

 

"I think he was set on the idea of things in shells being quiches and nothing else. Sans made a pie once and Papyrus thought it was like, a weird failure or something? If I'm remembering correctly anyway. It was years ago."

 

"Haha, oh my goodness."

 

"He likes pie now though. Mom like, taught him how to make a few when she gave him cooking lessons."

 

"Sans must have been pranking me. He told me that Papyrus took cooking lessons from the queen," you laugh.

 

"Huh? My mom _is_ the queen?" Frisk raises an eyebrow, probably appalled by your ignorance. Or maybe that's your imagination. Are you paranoid? Probably.

 

"What?! That's amazing! What does that make you, some kind of heir to the monster throne? How do monster politics even work?"

 

"Umm... I'm not in the mood to get into it right now." Frisk shrugs. "Maybe some other time." They look awkward all of the sudden. Uncomfortable. Is that a touchy subject?

 

Hopefully they're not judging you too hard.

 

You return to the living room and are pretty quiet for the rest of the night. Perhaps you're a little stiffer against Toriel than before. You can just call her Toriel, right? Sans calls her Tori. Maybe that's something you can do as well. She's the queen? You're snuggling into soft warm monster royalty right now? Ahh, she absentmindedly wrapped a comforting paw around you, drawing you in deeper. So warm. So cozy.

 

At least you're able to relax as the evening goes by. Sans starts snoring halfway through one of the movies and his head slides right to Toriel's lap. You were trying hard to not let that be you. It's taking all of your concentration to stay awake. Would they be offended if you excused yourself?

 

Naw, tough it out.

 

 

\--

 

 

You wake up on the couch the next morning. Someone's covered you with a blanket. Mission failed, idiot. Sans is using your shoulder as a pillow and he's gripping a handful of your hair. You're head-to-head with your feet in opposite directions. Toriel probably got up from underneath the two of you, letting you sleep. Sans is definitely purring and that's... adorable? You might as well let him wake up on his own. Close your eyes and snooze for a bit. The alarm hasn't gone off in your bedroom yet so Papyrus won't be waking you for a jog right away. Sans stirs slightly, burying his face in the crook of your neck and tightening his grip on you. The purring gets louder and you enjoy the soft vibration. That sure is some aggressive cuddling.

 

Actually, this is nice. Pokey but nice. Your arm moves up and around is jaw. It's an awkward position but it's still kind of cuddly. 

 

He finally stirs again and you feel his entire body stiffen. Maybe it would be a good idea to feign sleep considering how startled he is. He backs away from you and you can hear the soft clicking of his socked feet on the hardwood floor as he takes cover in his room.

 

Meh, just go back to sleep right here--

 

RING.

 

Damn.

 

"______!! WAKE UP!! TIME FOR OUR MORNING TRAINING."

 

Noooo.

 

 

Fine.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You don't have any food allergies or dietary restrictions in this story so you don't have to worry about dying if people feed you weird things.  
> The three of us ShittyDinner writers got tired of trying to get around our own dietary restrictions and got hung up over it for too long. Our solution was that the reader lives in a magical AU where they're willing to eat evrything and aren't allergic to anything. (Despite how delicious vegan coconut ice cream is.)


	8. Make SANS of This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans gives you a puzzle.

 

 

As usual, you enter the apartment ready to die after your jog with Papyrus. He's been pushing you too hard again this morning. You're sore and exhausted. A shower before work and a nice breakfast are just what the doctor ordered.

 

"YOU KNOW," Papyrus stops eating his sugary oatmeal for a moment as the three of you have breakfast, "I THINK YOU'RE MAKING SOME REAL PROGRESS STAMINA-WISE."

 

"I feel like walking death."

 

"ironic considering human iconography," interjects Sans with a snort and his usual crooked smile. You should be the one wearing his NAP TIME ALL THE TIME shirt. The sloth picture only makes you more envious.

 

"Okay, I'm Walking Death's dying human assistant."

 

"MUCH BETTER." Papyrus claps his hands together.

 

"I feel like I'm going to fall asleep in my chair."

 

"NYEH HEH HEH. THE TWO OF YOU FELL ASLEEP ON TORIEL LAST NIGHT. IT WAS CUTE."

 

"Oh, Sans too?" Feigning ignorance is probably the right decision here.

 

"guess so. went to bed eventually."

 

"Oh? This morning?"

 

"late last night."

 

"Ah."

 

Liar.

 

"So Toriel's the _queen_?" You're not sure why but that seems incredibly cool. Actual royalty. Well, monster royalty counts, right?

 

"technically." Sans shrugs.

 

"IT'S NOT AS THOUGH MONSTER GOVERNMENT HAS ANY RECOGNITION UP HERE. SHE HAD TO BE ELECTED AS A REPRESENTATIVE UNDER HUMAN LAWS. SAME WITH ASGORE."

 

"Who's that?" You know you've heard that name somewhere.

 

"tori's ex."

 

"Oooh, scandalous. Is there a big story behind it?"

 

"KIND OF."

 

"nosy, aren't we?"

 

"DON'T SPEAK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL, SANS."

 

"A little nosy." You shrug, trying to play it cool despite your curiosity. "Know anything?"

 

"it's not something i wanna get into right now."

 

"Alright. Alright. So is she a goat or a cow, anyway?"

 

"NEITHER?? SHE'S A MONSTER."

 

"Goat or cow monster then?"

 

"neither. she's a monster monster."

 

"Resembling a cow?"

 

"I SUPPOSE IT'S MORE OF A GOAT."

 

"That's the answer I was looking for." Geez, these guys sure can be difficult. Would it be rude to ask if Sans has a thing for Toriel? They seemed rather close. Ballsy to go for the queen.

 

Sans nudges you with his elbow, "so what do you call a cow with no legs?"

 

"What?"

 

"ground beef."

 

"YOU KNOW, I BET THE FIRST PERSON WHO INVENTED A PUN DIED A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE DEATH."

 

"heh. it must've been a pretty _killer_ joke then."

 

"GET OUT!!"

 

 

\--

 

 

Maybe one day you'll stop feeling so sore after work and exercise in the morning. Your coworkers have been consistently annoying with their questions since finding out you live with monsters and your stress level is higher than it should be. You flop onto the couch for your usual reading over Sans' shoulder.

 

"How was your day?"

 

"meh. the usual."

 

"Still don't talk much beyond a joke here or there, huh?"

 

"meh."

 

 

Silence.

 

 

"Reading anything interesting?"

 

He puts his book down for a second and looks at you seriously. "ya know what's odd?"

 

"What?"

 

He grins. "every other number." Wink.

 

 _"Sans_ - _-!!"_ You wince. "Ow. Ow ow ow ow." Stupid fucking death muscles. Stupid exercise.

 

"you alright, kiddo?"

 

"I hate this. Oh my goodness," you whine. "Papyrus is murdering me."

 

"you don't have to exercise with him every morning, ya know."

 

"He gives me two days off. To be fair, I've been feeling much better in general." You wince again as you readjust your position on the couch.

 

He snorts. "if you say so."

 

"It's fun spending time together. He's so wacky. He draws a lot of attention; dressing just as loudly as he's constantly screaming."

 

"heh. nobody was ever firm about him using an indoor voice, i suppose," he chuckles. "it's alright. he's so cool."

 

"Yeah, Papyrus is actually the best."

 

Sans' bones rattle softly.

 

"Haha, you know it's really cute that your bones rattle when you're happy or excited."

 

"n-no they don't," Sans evades.

 

"They just did, my dude." You give his ribs a prod and he squeaks.

 

"cut it out," he whines, swatting your hand away and arching like a cat.

 

"Oh, are you ticklish like Papyrus?"

 

"no? don't touch my ribs." He pushes you away with his elbow and leans sideways, pinning you down playfully. "how do you know my bro's ticklish, huh?" He laughs.

 

"You got me. Papyrus and I fuck like rabbits every night behind your back-- ow." He pushes you deeper into the cushions and smothers you with a throw pillow "Hahaha mercy! Mercy!"

 

He imitates a siren. "bad joke police. you're under arrest."

 

"Nah hahaha. Get off me."

 

"actually you're kinda squishy. i might just pick up where i left off reading."

 

"Kay uncover my face. I can't breathe."

 

"hot."

 

"Sans!"

 

"pft. fine." He uncovers your face and pulls up the book. You snatch the cushion from him and use it to prop yourself up. "new human tax effective today. lemme read like this."

 

"You're painfully pokey dude."

 

He clicks his tongue. "hey i didn't ask to be born this way."

 

"Put something between us or maybe don't dig your elbow into me."

 

"fine. fine."

 

 

\--

 

 

Snuggling with Sans in the evening persists for the next three days. It's not so bad when you get used to it. (It's terribly painful. You'll never get used to it.)

 

"You know, when I woke up the other day I was surprised to be in the middle of the couch. Did we spoon or something?" You poke his cheek and turn his head slightly as you push. Teasing's probably a good way to get him to open up.

 

"naw. our heads were up against each other with our bodies in opposite directions. i moved to my room in the middle of the night."

 

Why's he still lying about the second bit?

 

"Oh well. At least you're short enough that we pulled that off."

 

"hey. i'm not that short."

 

"Your head barely reaches my shoulders, shorty."

 

"s-so?"

 

You look at him, having been distracted by the window, to see that he's gotten some colour on his cheeks and is visibly sweating-- more than usual, anyway.

 

"So nothing," you recover. "Nothing wrong with being small. It's pretty cute, actually."

 

"heh. you, a human, find a skeleton cute?" Obvious skepticism.

 

"Gotta love yourself before you love others, man." You shrug. "I've got a skeleton inside me too, remember?"

 

"heh. nice. you're alright, kid. i ain't about to win a skeleton beauty contest."

 

"Who even wins skeleton beauty contests?"

 

He turns and cracks a shit-eating grin before whispering, " _no body_."

 

"Ooohhh!! You!!"

 

"heh, i coulda done worse. what do you give a skeleton for valentine's day?"

 

"No. I don't--"

 

" _bone bones_."

 

"Terrible. Zero stars. You should come up with fun puzzles like Papyrus instead."

 

"rude? alright. i've got a puzzle for ya."

 

"Shoot, bone boy."

 

He sits up and materializes a small bone out of thin air. You gasp, having never seen a skeleton do this kind of cool magic. Sans then materializes another bone around the smaller one and tosses it to you. The whole thing is about two thirds of a humerus in length but twice as thick. "get the smaller one out."

 

"Dude, that was awesome-- Wait, right here and now?"

 

"don't expect you to figure it out today. no rush."

 

"Can I smash it open?" Now's your turn to grin conspiratorially.

 

"the interior one's gotta remain intact." That sounded almost annoyed.

 

"What do I get when if I can solve your puzzle?"

 

"don't think you can solve it. that's not normal bone."

 

"Okay but what do I get for solving it?"

 

He smirks. "i'm not spoiling it."

 

"I'm not as patient as you."

 

"shame." He shrugs and gets up, giving you a pat on the head before walking off, chuckling.

 

 

\--

 

 

"Pappy, how do I get bone out of bone?" You've found that Papyrus' room is quite a nice place to hang out sometimes. He tends to either be painting, neurotically recalibrating puzzles, building things, plotting out elaborate heist scenarios with a collection of action figures and newly purchased toy police cars, reading, altering clothing, all kinds of wacky creative things. When he's not blowing something up with Undyne, apparently. He's so eccentric.

 

"WHY DO YOU ASK?"

 

"Sans wants me to extract a bone be trapped inside this other bone." You walk over to his desk and he stops playing around with the puzzle box he's carving. He looks at you for a moment, then to the bone, contemplating. Even he looks puzzled for a moment as he stares. He takes it from you and turns it around in his hands, feeling it, and suddenly grins and hands it back.

 

"OOOH, A CLEVER PUZZLE INDEED."

 

"Are you going to help me?"

 

"I CAN'T DO THAT."

 

"Why not?"

 

He looks as though it's difficult to explain. "IT ISN'T DISRESPECTFUL TO _HELP_ SOMEONE SOLVE ANOTHER MONSTER'S PUZZLE." He pauses for a moment. "WHAT IS DISRESPECTFUL IS WHEN A MONSTER OUTRIGHT SOLVES IT FOR THE PERSON."

 

"Can't you help me without giving me the answer?"

 

"THAT WOULD BE QUITE IMPOSSIBLE, I'M AFRAID." He looks like an odd cross between delighted and conspiratorial. Is that relish? What's he up to? He must get what you have to do.

 

"What's that face you're making? Is there something special about this puzzle?"

 

"IT MIGHT TAKE YOU A LONG TIME TO SOLVE THAT ONE. TALK TO SANS SOME MORE." Papyrus pats you on the head as he gets out of his chair and walks by you to leave his room. What's with the head petting today, anyway?

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How might you go about extracting the bone?  
> Tell us in the comments!


	9. Tasers and Teasers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why the fuck you lyin'?

 

 

 

 

You come home to an unusual sight, having never seen Papyrus look shaky before. He's staring blankly from the couch.

 

"What's up, Papyrus? You look tired." You never thought you'd associate the word "tired" with Papyrus. Ever.

 

"THEY UH--" His voice falters and he stops, looking spent.

 

"Something at school?"

 

"YEAH. I MIGHT NEED TO LIE DOWN FOR THE REST OF THE DAY." Absolutely not something you would normally hear from Papyrus.

 

"Are you alright? What happened?"

 

"THEY DON'T WANT US TO TASE PEOPLE UNNECESSARILY SO TODAY WE ALL HAD TO EXPERIENCE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FIRSTHAND."

 

"Oh my gosh, they actually tased you?! Will you be alright? Does it still hurt?" 

 

He waves a hand dismissively. "IT DOESN'T HURT AFTER THE FACT. I'M SHAKEN FROM EVERYONE'S SCREAMING IS ALL." That's definitely the most blank stare you've seen from him.

 

"Oooh, c'mere you." You crawl onto the couch and snuggle into your painfully pokey roommate. He wraps his arm around you in appreciation of your comforting gesture and hums lightly.

 

"THEY CLAMPED THE LEADS TO US WITH ALLIGATOR CLIPS INSTEAD OF SHOOTING THEM. I GOT ONE OVER THE SCAPULA AND ONE ON THE FEMUR," he chuckles.

 

"How much did it hurt?"

 

"ENOUGH. YOU CAN'T MOVE YOUR MUSCLES IF YOU HAVE ANY. NYEH HEH HEH. I MEAN IT'S NOT AS THOUGH I HAVEN'T BEEN ELECTROCUTED BEFORE." Somehow you're lead to believe this might have something to do with a trap gone wrong. "THE PAIN LINGERED LESS THAN STUBBING MY TOE."

 

"Ah."

 

"MY CLASSMATES WERE PROUD OF ME BECAUSE THE INSTRUCTORS TOLD US TO TRY CRAWLING. I WAS ACTUALLY ABLE TO, BEING THE IMPRESSIVE PERSON THAT I AM." He strikes a pose despite your arms being around one another. "NYEH HEH HEH!!"

 

"I think not having muscles to seize up helps, silly." You gently prod him. It's kind of weird snuggling with a skeleton. His pelvis is digging into your thigh uncomfortably and his elbow's poking you hard enough that you'll wonder if it'll leave a mark.

 

"NYEH HEH HEH. ALWAYS WITH THE REALITY CHECKS." It's kind of cute how instantly he can begin to sweat. Skeleton sweat is the most mysterious phenomenon. Where are their sweat glands? Can they cry? If so, where are their tear ducts? Man, your life is weird.

 

"Want me to make dinner tonight?" It would have been Papyrus' turn to cook but he could use the night off.

 

"WE CAN MAKE IT TOGETHER IF YOU'D LIKE." Oh, there's that happy puppy Pappy you're used to.

 

"Sure." You give him an affectionate rub and he flinches slightly, ticklish. Continue playfully ticking him and watch him squirm. "Was the rest of your day alright?"

 

He finally brushes your hand away, probably afraid to lose what remains of his composure. "IT WAS ALRIGHT. WE'RE STARTING OUR PRACTICAL TRAINING NEXT WEEK."

 

"Oooh fun. You get to live the real life of a cop then! That's exciting."

 

"YES!!"

 

"Gonna fight some crime!!"

 

"HIGH-SPEED CHASES!!"

 

"I hope not!"

 

"PARTY POOPER!!"

 

 

\--

 

 

You can't find anything. Where did it all go?

 

"Where are all the ingredients?"

 

"I CURATED OUR CULINARY ARTSHOW. THE COLLECTION WAS GROWING STALE. WE WERE IN NEED OF A MORE FOCUSED VISION."

 

"I get it. You cleaned out the fridge. Half the stuff you got rid of was still good, dude."

 

"IT WAS OVERWHELMING BECAUSE YOU INSISTED ON NOT DIVIDING IT INTO THREE EQUAL PARTITIONS. HOW IS THAT NOT A SOURCE OF ANXIETY??"

 

"Because it makes sense to not divide a fridge according to who bought or cooked the contents?"

 

"NO. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY WRONG." He frowns momentarily. "THAT'S ALRIGHT THOUGH. I FORGIVE YOU. DON'T WORRY; ILL STILL BE YOUR COOL FRIEND." You feel his hands on your shoulders and he guides you to the counter. "HOW ABOUT WE FORGET THE FRIDGE? MAKE SENSE OF THIS." He reaches into the back pocket of his well-tailored jeans to pull out some small wooden tile blocks.

 

"You just carry those around with you?"

 

"NO?? I ANTICIPATED RUNNING INTO YOU. YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOU LIVE HERE. SOLVE MY PUZZLE, HUMAN."

 

"Alrighty then. Give it here, skeleton."

 

"IT'S A COMPLETE TANGRAM SET. IF YOU PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER, YOU CAN MAKE A SQUARE. YOUR MISSION IS TO MAKE A SQUARE-- BUT I WILL ALSO ACCEPT A DUCK. THE DUCK IS A GOOD SHAPE." He's turned to extract some ingredients from the fridge.

 

"Tangrams, huh?" You place the tiles on the counter and start shifting them around to make the square as Papyrus begins chopping some vegetables.

 

"THOSE ARE QUITE POPULAR AMONG MONSTERS. DID YOU KNOW HUMANS SELL THEM ONLINE FOR REALLY CHEAP??"

 

"You don't say."

 

"THERE'S A FUN WAY OF MAKING PUZZLES WHERE YOU ARRANGE THEM ON SOME GRAPH PAPER TO MAKE A SHAPE. TRACE AROUND THE WHOLE THING AND CUT IT OUT. FLIP THE PAPER AND VOILÀ!! PUZZLE. EVEN YOU CAN DO IT. OH!! YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT THE TILE EDGES OVERLAP THOUGH. NOT ONLY VERTICES TOUCHING."

 

"I'll give it a shot! Would you solve a puzzle I made just for you?"

 

 

The clattering of a mixing bowl falling onto the floor startles you.

 

 

"Y-YEAH??" Papyrus has gotten quite a bit of colour on his face. "WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO ORDER A SET FOR YOU??" He scrambles to retrieve it, fumbling. At least it was empty.

 

"Sure. If it's not too much trouble. I don't mind using these ones though. If I may."

 

"OF COURSE YOU MAY."

 

He's uncharacteristically quiet while you work on the puzzle. It takes you longer than you would like but you eventually figure out how to make the square shape. Papyrus beams.

 

"How'd I do?"

 

"EXCELLENT!!"

 

"You've done most of the work on dinner though. There's barely anything left to do."

 

"OH WELL." He puts his hands on his hips and looms over you in mock intimidation. "BE QUICKER NEXT TIME!! NYEH HEH HEH!!"

 

 

\--

 

 

Although you spend your mornings with Papyrus, your evenings are usually spent with Sans, the two of you gravitate to the couch. At least you're not so terrified of one another anymore. You stretch at some point, popping your joints.

 

"heh. it's so weird that human bones wouldn't move on their own." Sans pinches your bicep.

 

"I need tendons and muscles and stuff."

 

"heh. weirdo."

 

"You know what's still really weird to me?"

 

"what?"

 

"Where the hell does your food go when you swallow? I know we talked about this but it's still super weird man."

 

"inside me? i dunno?"

 

"Exactly! You don't digest! You don't poop! It's so bizarre."

 

"wanna see a trick?"

 

"Al...right?"

 

He reaches over you to grab your popcorn, tosses a kernel into his mouth, and swallows. He does the same with another, and another.

 

"Are you just eating all the popcorn, my dude?"

 

"watch my neck."

 

Your eyes shift to his neck when he swallows again.

 

"Wait, did the popcorn just fly down in front of your spine and into your ribcage?"

 

"it's funnier with a drink but i'm not down to clean up the mess or listen to papyrus freak out."

 

"Or go outside, or change your clothes, knowing you."

 

"time and place, my friend."

 

He pulls the kernels he "swallowed" out form inside his clothes and swallows for real. "cool party trick, huh? gets people laughing."

 

"Sounds like something you'd do."

 

 

\--

 

 

You opted out of Papyrus' and Undyne's hiking trip this weekend. You're honestly still a little nervous around new monsters. To be honest, you'd be mildly uncomfortable around even a human as loud and brash as Undyne. The multiple rows of sharp teeth don't help. Home alone for the evening 'cause Sans said something about going out to a bar. Monster bar. You wonder what they're like, too nervous to venture into one alone. Maybe you can tag along next time. If he's alright with it.

 

A long bath and some time playing a video game make an excellent Saturday night sometimes. Off to bed not having to worry about getting up early for a jog. Some well-deserved sleeping in. Your life's pretty great right now. Fun roommates and a job you don't hate? Weekends off and a stable income, comfortable living space, a decent amount of social interaction... You're in a pretty good place right now. You contemplate the bone on your desk as you fall asleep. How can you get the inner one out without damaging it? Would acid bite in too far? Would a grinder nick it? Humans can't use... yawn... magic.

 

Zzzz.

 

 

\--

 

 

Rainy morning. Breakfast of champions. Seeing that Sans dropped his jacket in the middle of the floor last night, you whip some up for two. Sans' door creaks open and you hear footsteps.

 

"Morning bonehead," you call, not looking up from the frying pan. As it turns out, skeletons love pancakes. "Got some--" You pause turning around to see a large, fanged... koala... thing? "Um. H-hi?"

 

It looks more scared of you than you of it as it waves awkwardly, avoiding eye contact.

 

"Would you... like some pancakes or--" you offer.

 

"N-no thanks. On my way out."

 

"O-okay then? Um. Bye?"

 

"Bye." It shuffles out.

 

 

Awkward.

 

 

\--

 

 

Another half hour and Sans drags his feet down the hall to the kitchen and brews a fresh pot of coffee. He brings his plate to the living room.

 

"morning," he yawns. Why do skeletons even yawn?

 

"Morning."

 

"thanks for the pancakes," he mumbles groggily, mouth full. You still can't watch a skeleton eat. Will you get over how nasty chewed food looks?

 

"No problem. Offered some to your friend this morning. They weren't really up for it."

 

"heh. mighta forgotten to mention that a human lives here."

 

"So what's up with that?"

 

"most monsters being in constant fear that humans'll put us back underground?"

 

"No, not that. The other that." Also, is that really a thing?

 

"ah. ah. personal questions, kiddo." He reaches for the remote.

 

"Hey man, I'm not judging." You steal a bite of his pancake as he's leaned over.

 

"hey."

 

"I made 'em and you're secretive."

 

"pft. alright. alright. you took the last bite though. looks like the plate's yours to put away." He places it on your lap and reclines on the couch with his arms crossed behind his head. The sound of the traffic in the rain compliments the scene and now you're almost feeling tired.

 

"You're the worst."

 

"hey, i made a fresh pot of coffee," he counters.

 

" _So much work. You must be exhausted._ "

 

He closes his eyes and fakes a dramatic snore, which earns him a hearty prod.

 

"ow. hey, c'mon. don't be such a pill."

 

"Wake up."

 

"you should nap. that we could both sleep. you'd be a sleeping pill."

 

You snort.

 

"That was terrible. Give me a clue for your bone puzzle before I dunk it in nitric acid."

 

"pft. holy shit, kiddo. don't need to be so violent about it."

 

"Lye then? It's quite caustic, you know." You get up to bring the plate in the sink.

 

"i know. i know."

 

"So," you call from the kitchen.

 

"so?"

 

"Give me a starting point."

 

"needs magic."

 

You make your way back to the living room. "'Okay. Humans don't use magic."

 

He's sprawled out, taking up as much couch as possible.

 

"huh, that's a shame."

 

"What do you want from me?"

 

"nothin' really. i mean, not killing me in my sleep might be nice but meh. whatever."

 

"Sans, nobody's going to lock monsters up and I'm not going to kill you in your sleep. Are you actually scared of humans?"

 

"don't get out much, do ya? anyway, maybe if you solve my puzzle i'll give you a reward."

 

You decide to reclaim your spot on the couch. "You didn't answer my other question. I assumed there was a reward or punishment as with Papyrus' puzzles. What if I get it out without magic?"

 

"human tax," he reminds you, pulling you down and snuggling into whatever squishy bits he can without taking his eyes off the television. "i'll be impressed if you manage that."

 

"And what happens when Sans is impressed?" What a shame that he isn't ticklish the way Papyrus is. It would lead to much entertainment.

 

"secret."

 

"I bet it's nothing."

 

"maybe it is."

 

"It would be. You're the worst and I don't think you're scared of me, at least. I wouldn't cuddle with a dog I thought would bite me. Am I wrong?"

 

He pokes your cheek. It turns into a gentle pinch. Now he's playing with your face, feeling the bones under your skin.

 

"You're hurting me in like three places with your bones right now."

 

He clicks his tongue and snuggles harder to spite you. The two of you are practically spooning.

 

You might as well take advantage of the opportunity. Wrap those arms right around him.

 

"And I want to know why you lied about that time we fell asleep on the couch together." An arm around his wrist and another in his abdominal cavity. He's not going anywhere until he answers.

 

"i uh." Haha, it's kind of gross when you can feel his sweat on your skin like this. "i didn't."

 

"Hmm? Speak up," you purr. "I didn't quite catch that, you little liar." He arches his back when you grip his spine. 

 

"cut it out." Oh that was practically a moan. He's flustered now. "i didn't want you to think i was a creep."

 

"Alright, alright." He seems pleased when you give him a peck on the cheek. Pleased but no less flustered. "I'll allow it."

 

The two of you aren't really watching the tv so he turns it off and sighs. Rainy traffic noises fill the apartment.

 

"human hearts sound different than monster hearts."

 

"Do non-skeleton monsters bleed?"

 

"obviously?"

 

"So it's not like you haven't heard a heart before."

 

"human rhythms are different. and monsters don't make stomach noises. it's weird."

 

"Well the way you eat is weird so there," you chuckle.

 

"sorry for not having a face, i guess," he surrenders.

 

"You have a face right here." You poke his cheek and he turns around to bite you playfully. "Hey!"

 

"let me see your teeth."

 

"Why?"

 

"it's the only part of the human skeleton that's visible. isn't that strange?"

 

"Well, when you put it that way." You grin.

 

"open your mouth."

 

"Aaah."

 

"you have a cavity."

 

"Oh?"

 

"this tooth here." He sticks a phalange in and taps one of your lower molars. "it's huge."

 

"Wrearry?"

 

"yeah. i'd get that checked out if i were you." He pushes your tongue aside. Wait, now he's playing with your tongue. 

 

You pull your face away. "Kay that's a little invasive."

 

"sorry. you should make an appointment as early as possible though. probably in the morning. maybe one. before _tooth hurty_ though."

 

You grab a handful of his shirt fabric. "I'm going to punch you if you make one more terrible pun."

 

" _pun_ -ch me?"

 

You roll him off the couch.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: screaming, tasers  
> [Taser training vid](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MP9GHluE9ao)
> 
> Play with some tangram puzzles [here](http://pbskids.org/cyberchase/math-games/tanagram-game/).


	10. Boobies and Boundaries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHY WON'T MILK COME OUT???

 

 

 

Weekend. Day off jogging. Stay in pyjamas all day? Yes please. Zero human interaction today, thanks. Papyrus has been out with Undyne all morning seeing as that's their preferred weekend ritual. Sans didn't even come home last night so you have the condo to yourself. Big breakfast. Lots of downtime. Good day.

 

Sans trudges in looking run down halfway through the day.

 

"Hey dude, you alright?"

 

"yeah."

 

"What's up?"

 

"hangover," he grumbles.

 

"Up late?"

 

"drinking too much'll fuck a skeleton up for a good day or two. up pretty late, yeah."

 

"Ah. D'you get laid, at least?" Teasing'll lighten his mood.

 

"pft. that's nunnaya business," he laughs as he flops face-first onto the couch.

 

"Alright. Alright."

 

"human tax." He shimmies up until his head is on your lap. "and don'tchu make assumptions." His phalange pokes into your arm playfully as his eye sockets close. Man, how does that even work?

 

"I won't. I won't." Give him a pat on the head.

 

"..."

 

"Sans?"

 

"zzzzz."

 

That was fast."

 

 

\--

 

 

Sans did eventually wobble off to sleep in his room. He probably couldn't handle the noise when Papyrus and Undyne walked in and started yelling as they banged things around in the kitchen, cooking excitedly. Frankly, Undyne still intimidates you a little, constantly bombarding you with invasive questions in an overly assertive tone and mildly hostile body language. You're in hermit mode today so dipping into your own room is probably a good idea. You walk around in pyjamas around Sans and Papyrus because they're your roommates but you're not sure about that scary fish lady.

 

 

\--

 

 

The sounds fade after a couple of hours so you emerge to re-settle in the living room.

 

"Hey, Papyrus. How was your day?"

 

"IT WAS GREAT!! WE-- WAIT, WHAT ARE THOSE DARK SPOTS UNDER YOUR SHIRT??"

 

Hah. Whoops. This shirt was perhaps a little too old and sheer.

 

"Oh. Hah. Those are my areolas."

 

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT?? DO THEY HURT??"

 

"What? No. They're part of my boobs. It's perfectly normal."

 

"AH YES. BOOBS. I HAVE DEFINITELY SEEN MANY A BARE BREASTY BOSOM BEFORE, YESSIREE," he bluffs.

 

" _Sure, Papyrus_. Did you want to see my boobs? You know it's not that big of a deal, right?" Seems innocent enough.

 

"FINE?? THEY'RE LIKE SMALL UDDERS, RIGHT?? YOU HAVE THEM BECAUSE YOU'RE A MAMMAL??"

 

"Pretty much." You pull your camisole up, exposing your breasts. "So the darker part is the areola and the small part is the nipple. That's where the milk comes out."

 

"I DON'T SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS. THEY'RE JUST LUMPS OF-- WAIT." He suddenly grabs one and begins to knead it almost painfully. "HOW DO I GET THE MILK OUT?? CAN YOU MAKE THE MILK COME OUT FOR ME??" Oh goodness. Oh goodness, what's going on? You didn't give him permission to touch. He's kneading as though he's trying to milk a cow. Why does he wear gloves all the time? He seems to have a pair in every colour. The supple leather feels delightful on your bare skin.

 

Wait, holy hell, you're letting a monster fondle your tits. Why did you arch your back like that? He's your fucking roommate.

 

"Wait, hang on. That won't do anything." Don't moan. Don't moan. He has you pinned. "Um, Papyrus?"

 

"YES?" His other hand's moved to the small of your back to support you as he noticed your back arching. Grip onto his arms for dear life.

 

"Personal space. That's technically a private part of my body," you groan.

 

"PRIVATE? IT'S FOR FEEDING. HOW IS IT PRIVATE?" He's still trying to figure out how boobs work.

 

"You can cut that out. I don't make milk."

 

"WHAT?? DO YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF DISEASE?? HAVE YOU BEEN SICK ALL THIS TIME??" He stops kneading and freezes to look you in the eyes, worried. Instead, he gropes a handful, gauging.

 

"No, silly. Humans don't--" Bite back that moan as he squeezes. Oh goodness he's still going at it as though somehow desperate to prove that you can make milk. "Pappy, _please_ , can you--"

 

"holy hell, can you guys do that in private?"

 

Of course Sans had to walk out of his room and see you guys. Why wouldn't he? You squawk and hide your face. Yup, your face and not your breasts. Good job, brain.

 

"SANS, SHE WON'T FEED ME."

 

"umm." He looks like he can't tell is he wants to look at your chest or avert his eyes completely. He's never seen that much of your chest exposed and he looks like a cross between fascinated and embarrassed. "ya know, i heard that's pretty private when it comes to humans. i'm out." He shuffles off, exiting the apartment awkwardly, still clutching his head and wallowing in his miserable hangover.

 

"BYE." Papyrus turns to you. "SO WHY WON'T YOU MAKE MILK?? WHY ARE THE TEATS STICKING OUT MORE NOW THAN THEY WERE BEFORE I STARTED TOUCHING THEM??"

 

"Boobs usually only make milk after we've given birth." You manually remove his hand and pull your shirt back down. That doesn't stop his staring at the nipples now poking up through the fabric. "Nipples do that for different reasons; cold, stimulation, pleasure."

 

"PLEASURE? DOES IT FEEL NICE WHEN I DO THAT?? OH GOODNESS, IS IT BECAUSE THEY'RE OVER YOUR RIBS?" He suddenly sounds almost ashamed as he apologizes and takes a step back. It's cute that skeletons can blush. He's looking away, awkward and embarrassed.

 

"Well, it feels mildly nice. What about the rib thing?"

 

"NEVER MIND. I'M SORRY."

 

"Hey dude, it's fine. I'm the one who showed you. I just didn't expect you to lunge for my boobs and try to freaking milk me is all," you chuckle. "You didn't know any better. No harm done."

 

"A-ALRIGHT." Oh no, he's sweating. "I DIDN'T THINK. NYEH HEH. THAT SURE WAS SOME BOOBAGE RIGHT THERE. TWO BOOBS NICE AND ABREAST. THAT'S A PRIVATE THING THAT I CERTAINLY JUST TOUCHED. HOO BOY. IS IT HOT IN HERE OR IS IT JUST ME?"

 

"It's. Alright. Papyrus. Don't worry about it. Look." You pull your shirt back up. "Here. Boobs. No big deal! You don't have to think anything of it!" You grab one of his hands and place it back on your boob, feeling him gauge the give in the fat. "See?"

 

"THIS FEELS NICE FOR YOU THOUGH?? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. OH MY GOODNESS. I THINK I'M DONE!!" He pulls his hand back now that he's completely beside himself. "NOW I'M UNCOMFORTABLE."

 

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Sorry."

 

"WHY ARE THEY SO SQUISHY?? THAT'S AN ILLEGAL LEVEL OF SQUISHY." He reaches back for another tentative squeeze before removing his hand again.

 

 _"Oooh, did you learn about boob laws in school then?"_ You bounce your breasts playfully before covering them. He's far too bright in the face to merit further teasing but here you are, picking on the poor skeleton.

 

He's still staring at them. "S-SO THAT'S-- THAT'S TO SAY-- THAT WAS RATHER SEXUAL IN NATURE, WASN'T IT? ARE YOU PREGNANT NOW??"

 

"No! Of course not."

 

He slumps slightly, tilting his head back in relief. "OH PHEW. I'M NOT SURE I WAS READY FOR THAT. SKELETONS DON'T MARRY OR PARTNER UP, IN GENERAL."

 

"That's stupid, why?" You can absolutely confirm that Sans has had at least one monster in his bed recently.

 

His expression looks rather offended all of the sudden. Oops, you idiot, that probably sounded ignorant and judgemental. Shit, you shouldn't have phrased it that way. _Good job, moron._

 

"DON'T NEED A MATE. WHY WOULD YOU FIND THAT STUPID," he challenges, incredulous.

 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way! I just thought it was-- I don't know, I thought it was a choice or something. Not even. I don't know. It was stupid. I didn't mean to say it. I don't even think it's stupid at all. I was in the moment."

 

He turns away, scowling. You seem to have struck a nerve.

 

"Wait, Papyrus, I'm sorry."

 

He closes his bedroom door rather abruptly.

 

"Papyrus?"

 

Silence.

 

"Paps?"

 

Silence. You knock.

 

"Really, Pappy?"

 

More silence.

 

Geez.

 

 

\--

 

 

Dinner. Your turn to cook. Hopefully making something you know Papyrus enjoys will lighten his mood. He doesn't say a word to you during dinner. It's awkward. Why isn't Sans home? You know he works awkward shifts sometimes but you could have really used the company to make it less awkward.

 

"I'm really sorry about what I said, Papyrus."

 

"OKAY."

 

Awkward silence. He's eating faster and more quietly than normal.

 

"I feel bad."

 

More silence. He finishes his food and puts his plate in the dishwasher. "THANKS FOR THE DINNER."

 

"You're welcome."

 

He doesn't respond.

 

"You know, you don't have to be rude. I said I was sorry."

 

Ignored.

 

 

\--

 

 

"Sans, help."

 

"can ya let me get through the door?" Wow, he still looks like hell. How did he survive his shift at whatever job he works?

 

"I pissed Papyrus off and now he's not talking to me!"

 

"the hell d'you do," he groans, clearly overwhelmed in his current state.

 

"I said something ignorant and stupid and I apologized but he still isn't talking to me!"

 

"d'you let him fondle your breasts again? that might cheer him up." He smirks.

 

"He's not that into it?"

 

"so what happened?"

 

"I said something I didn't mean. I just blurted it out without thinking."

 

"the hell did you say to him?"

 

"I said something was stupid and he got insulted."

 

"stop dancing around the question."

 

"I said it was stupid that skeletons don't mate. I've definitely seen someone come out of your room so it was partial disbelief, I suppose."

 

Oh, that's where the family resemblance comes in. That exact scowl. You've finally found it. Wait. This is bad. Shit. Um.

 

"B-but I didn't mean it! It just came out! I don't actually think it's stupid. I don't know-- I-- no don't look at me like that."

 

Silence.

 

"Sans?"

 

"i'm gonna try to be a little understanding and dismiss you as an idiot."

 

"Yes! Idiot! I'm an idiot! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt Papyrus."

 

"don't fucking talk about that shit under our roof again, ya hear me?" He doesn't sound mad. He sounds... hurt? Offended? Shit. Where did the lights in his eyes go? They tend to dilate when he's happy. This is definitely the opposite.

 

"I don't know what to do to make it up to him--" you stop when he waves dismissively, knocking on Papyrus' door.

 

"you alright in there bro?"

 

"BUILDING A PUZZLE."

 

"can i come in?"

 

"WHY NOT?"

 

Sans motions for you to go wait in the living room as he cracks the door and slips inside.

 

 

How the hell were you supposed to know? Why are they so damn offended? What the fuck?

 

 

\--

 

Sans emerges a good half hour later and flops facedown onto the couch; head almost touching your leg.

 

"So?"

 

"he's mad at you."

 

" _Wow, I couldn't tell._ Shit, why's it even such a big deal? He told me skeletons don't marry and stuff. I get it. I told him I didn't mean what I said. Why's he being so cold?"

 

His hand moves to your knee. "shh. he'll come around in the morning. unless you ask him if there's something you can do for him. i dunno. it usually takes him a day to come around when he's mad. a week at most."

 

"A _week_ of this?"

 

"he'll be fine in the morning. guaranteed."

 

"I'm annoyed."

 

"well he's probably more hurt than you are."

 

"How many freaking times do I have to apologize?"

 

"it's fine. you apologized."

 

"So what's up with that? That _that_ you don't wanna talk about?"

 

"that _that's_ none of your business so keep that nose outta that. that clear?"

 

"Sure. Fine."

 

"human tax." He pulls himself up to use your thighs as a pillow when you click the TV on.

 

"Do I get to impose a skeleton tax?"

 

"like what?"

 

"Dunno. Some kind of magic thing? What other tricks can you do?"

 

"rude? they're not tricks."

 

"Your entire existence feels like a trick sometimes."

 

Your hands move to his face and snores fill the room within minutes. He didn't even eat. The snores are soon sweetened by the the gentle rumbling of Sans' purr as you absentmindedly stroke his skull. It's adorable that they do that.

 

What if you were to let him sleep there all night? Nah.

 

Shake him gently.

 

"Sans, wake up. Go to bed."

 

A disgruntled snore and he's rolling over.

 

"Okay now your face is practically in my crotch. Wake up."

 

Not even shaking him more violently seems to work. Wow, skeletons really sleep like logs, huh? He just lies there, snoring.

 

You take a moment to get a good look at his face. Move the bone as much as you can with your fingers. His mouth hangs open when you try to roll him over. That tongue really is cartoonishly blue.

 

 

Would you be a terrible creep for touching it?

 

Yes. Yes you would.

 

 

Is that stopping you?

 

No. No it isn't.

 

 

What? He touched your mouth.

 

It's wet-- much wetter than a human tongue. You lift it up and push it back slightly. It looks like it's calcifying at the case. The flesh... turns into bone? That's kinda weird and gross at the same time. Your finger explores the varying firmness. It's definitely flesh. Will he bleed with no heart? What would happen if he cut his tongue? There's no frenulum upon closer inspection. The tongue just hardens at the back of his mouth without any other connection.

 

Well.

 

Time to wake him up.

 

Pinch and pull. Hard.

 

"Sansy Sans. Wake up."

 

"wha--?!" His tiny pupils flicker in surprise as his eye sockets snap open. A screech escapes him as he scrambles off you. "why the hell would you do that?!' Why's he gripping his chest if he doesn't have a heart.

 

"I tried a million ways to wake you up and none were working. You fell asleep with your face in my crotch."

 

"is that what the smell was?" That was a grossly satisfied-sounding rumble.

 

"Don't you _purr erotically_ at me!" You squawk and toss a throw pillow at him. "I've only been here for two weeks and I've had quite a fucking day today."

 

"done more with people i've known for two hours; don't worry," he laughs in earnest at how appalled you probably look. "can you not pinch my tongue?"

 

"I'll kill you in your sleep and trap you underground!"

 

"don't you joke about that," he laughs.

 

"You'll be so dead you won't know how underground and imprisoned you are."

 

"i'll fight you," he jokes.

 

You playfully toss another pillow at him and he swats it away with the one in his hands.

 

"lemme see your chest."

 

"Excuse me? Awkward timing for that request."

 

"i wanna see it up close. you let papyrus see. i'm curious. mammals are weird and cool."

 

"You're manipulating me with praise."

 

"fulfil my curiosity. i won't touch."

 

"Promise not to get offended if I question why you're not marrying me," you chuckle.

 

"pft. cross my nonexistent heart, kiddo."

 

You take your top off and throw it in his face.

 

"There. Boobs. Wow. _Sooo_ impressive, right?"

 

"heh. so humans think these are sexual for some reason?"

 

"Yup."

 

He's gotten closer and is inspecting them.

 

"You can touch if you promise not to try and milk me."

 

"you'd need to have given birth first, yeah?" His hand cups the underside of a boob and he gauges the density of your fat.

 

" _Thank you_. Goodness. Finally, someone gets it."

 

He seems far less amazed than Papyrus, releasing you after a quick check. "meh. well they're cute or whatever. don't see why humans think it's so sexual but sure, why not?" He pulls your shirt off his shoulder and hands it to you.

 

"Feels nice, make women look fertile."

 

"you smell fertile," he offers nonchalantly.

 

"Okay there's the creep line right there. Crossed it."

 

"and feeling your sexual bits didn't cross it?"

 

"It's not that sexual. I made you wake up when your face was up in my crotch. I'm just showing you my boobs. For science."

 

"well _science_ you put it that way..." He

 

"No. Bad pun. Boo."

 

" _boo_ -b?"

 

"No. _Boo_. Now shoo."

 

" _you_ shoo."

 

"I'l shoo _you_!"

 

"hit you with my _shoe!"_

 

"WILL YOU TWO CUT IT OUT WITH THE TERRIBLE PUNS ALREADY??"

 

"Ah, there's Papyrus."

 

"come right around. it's not even midnight. told ya so."

 

"Papyrus help! He's making bad puns."

 

"YOU'RE EQUALLY ACCOUNTABLE!" He appears in the living room with his arms crossed.

 

"Save me!"

 

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT CENTURY THIS IS? DON'T YOU DAMSEL IN DISTRESS ME."

 

"You're a cop!"

 

"SANS, GET OFF THE HUMAN."

 

"Yeah, get off the human."

 

"honk honk."

 

"Oh my goodness!" You swat his hand off your boob as he squeezes it, making honking sounds. "Boob privileges revoked. You're banned."

 

"couldn't resist."

 

"SANS, NO." Papyrus scolds before looking at you, "IS HE BOTHERING YOU, FOR REAL?"

 

"Naw, not really. Nice to see you talking to me again."

 

Papyrus' face brightens slightly as he gives you an almost dirty indignant look, straightening up. "I'M STILL A LITTLE MAD."

 

"And I'm still sorry. I said I didn't mean it."

 

"I KNOW YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT."

 

"So why're you still mad?"

 

"MY FEELINGS ARE STILL HURT!!"

 

Sans visibly tenses up at this statement.

 

"I didn't mean any harm and I'm willing to make it up to you, Pappy."

 

"WE SHOULD... BAKE SOMETHING TOGETHER."

 

"Alright. Why bake something?"

 

"I WANT CAKE," he muses.

 

That simple, huh?

 

"Tomorrow then?"

 

"ALRIGHT."

 

"Sweet."

 

"literally," Sans offers, poking you.

 

"SANS, NO."

 

"sans, yes."

 

"Can I pinch him?"

 

"don't you dare, kiddo-- aah!"

 

As it turns out, clavicles are a little sensitive.

 

 

 

 


	11. Punctuation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Comma  
> Dash  
> Period

 

 

 

 

Cramped up and wishing you were dead, you head to the living room. It's a good day to stay in pyjamas; the perfect day to wallow in your bloody hell and do absolutely nothing else.

 

"WHY AREN'T YOU DRESSED?" Papyrus crosses his arms, frowning.

 

"I'm sick and gross. I'm going to skip jogging today."

 

He squints at you, suspicious that you might be faking to get out of exercising.

 

"I'm spending today inside," you state firmly. "I think I'm going to skip out on the hike this afternoon too."

 

"WHAT?? BUT UNDYNE CANCELLED TO SPEND THE DAY WITH ALPHYS. I DON'T WANT TO GO ALONE!!"

 

"Movie day?"

 

"BORING DAY." You're pretty sure you just saw the lights roll in his sockets as he tilted his head back.

 

"Aw, come on."

 

"FINE," he huffs, "I'LL BE BACK AFTER I AT LEAST GO FOR A RUN."

 

"Take care, jogboy," you chuckle. That's one of his cooler shirts.

 

 

\--

 

 

Sans joins you and Papyrus on the couch as you're half an episode into your series marathon.

 

"how far in are you? mind if I join?"

 

"Oh sure. We just started it. Here." You scrub to the beginning of the episode, not wanting to leave him out of the loop.

 

"SANS, YOU'RE LATE TO THE PARTY."

 

"only by ten minutes."

 

"No bickering, guys."

 

"we're good." Sans installs himself and leans into you. "human tax." He's probably going to fall asleep an hour in.

 

 

\--

 

 

Four hours in and Sans hasn't fallen asleep but _has_ started sweating profusely into your shirt. Come to think of it, his bones are rattling slightly.

 

"You okay, Sans?"

 

"might need a nap." It's barely lunch time, dude.

 

Wait a second.

 

"Papyrus, you too?" His face is glowing brightly.

 

"I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."

 

Nice try, dude. You can hear his rattling from here.

 

Sans looks up at you looking almost intoxicated.

 

"Are you guys sick or something? Can I catch whatever that is?" You've never looked into monster illnesses. Come to think of it, moving in with monsters before looking into what kind of diseases they carry might have been extremely foolish. They couldn't have caught anything from you seeing as you're not actually _sick_ sick.

 

"MONSTERS DON'T GET SICK. WELL, EXCEPT FOR WHEN WE DRINK TOO MUCH," Papyrus muses. "THEN IT FEELS LIKE DEATH ITSELF HAS COME FOR US."

 

"Oh. Hangovers aren't so bad-- _Sans!"_ You squawk as his hand slides under you. "Dude. Personal space."

 

"i've been lying on you all morning and you haven't complained." He sounds legitimately confused.

 

"Very different from groping my butt."

 

"okay? sorry."

 

"WHAT HAPPENED?"

 

"Nothing." Better not drag Papyrus into this. "Maybe we should make some lunch. In the mood for something specific?"

 

"i can order in."

 

"I'M NOT EATING GRILLBY'S."

 

"Grillby's?"

 

"good stuff. what if i get you a salad, bro?"

 

"FROM GRILLBY'S? COME ON, SANS, I'M A SKELETON WITH STANDARDS!"

 

"What's wrong with Grillby's?" You raise a brow, trusting Papyrus on this.

 

"there's nothing wrong with it. i'll get you a burger. you'll love it."

 

"Papyrus, what if we have Grillby's... and I make a side salad?"

 

"UGH. FINE. ORDER THE LEAST GREASY ITEM ON THE MENU."

 

"i can order a wrap."

 

Papyrus clicks his tongue and you head into the kitchen to make the salad.

 

 

\--

 

 

Salad's looking pretty good. You'll wait for the rest of the food to arrive so you can dress it-- aaaand there's an enormous skeleton suddenly up in your bubble.

 

"Papyrus, personal space, please." Did he really have to press himself against your backside like that? That's a definitely pelvis digging into your backside.

 

"WHY DO YOU SMELL SO GOOD TODAY? YOU'VE SMELLED GOOD FOR A FEW DAYS NOW."

 

"I feel like a potato and have no idea what you're talking about. I took a shower this morning so it's the same soap I always use."

 

"NO. YOU'VE SMELLED DIFFERENT."

 

"Oh... kay? You're still in my space."

 

"CAN I HOLD YOU?" He wraps his arms around your waist, purring. It's louder and more vocal compared to the regular skeleton purring you've heard.

 

"Papyrus, you're being kind of creepy." You wiggle a bit, irritated.

 

"AM I?? I'M SORRY." He relinquishes you and takes a step back.

 

"What's gotten into you guys? It it 'cause I'm menstruating or something?"

 

"I DON'T KNOW!!" He sounds legitimately frustrated. "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS."

 

"Hoo boy. Alright. Um. Well, here's the salad. I can teach you about human physiology later, I suppose."

 

 

\--

 

 

Your roommates have been more or less groping you all day as you binge-watch your series. You've decided to accept the free massage seeing as they're at least keeping their hands away from areas you've told them to leave alone. The burger you got from Grillby's was amazing and you have no idea why Papyrus hates the place. He even seemed to enjoy his wrap.

 

That said, the purring and rattling's been gradually increasing in volume and it's almost uncomfortably loud.

 

"Can you guys chill a bit?"

 

"hmm?" Sans is absentmindedly kneading a bit of tummy fat as he watches the show.

 

"You guys are purring really loudly."

 

"WE'RE ENJOYING THE SHOW." You feel Papyrus' skull move against the top of your head where it's been resting.

 

"I think I'm done for the day. You guys are all sweaty and I'm uncomfortable."

 

"WHAT A COINCIDENCE. I'M UNCOMFORTABLE TOO."

 

"Yeah. Life sucks. Later." Withdrawing to your room for a cool-down might be nice. Maybe you'll go for a walk.

 

"PLEASE DON'T GO," Papyrus purrs, gripping your wrist. His movements have been sluggish for a while now.

 

"There's something wrong with you guys and it probably has to do with the fact that I'm on my period and frankly, that's kind of weird. I'm out."

 

Sans whines slightly when you pry yourself away from them. The two skeletons sit there squirming uncomfortably as you exit the living room.

 

Not even two minutes and someone's knocking on your door.

 

"What?"

 

"CAN YOU COME BACK?"

 

"No. You guys are being gross."

 

"PLEASE??"

 

"No."

 

A whimper before you hear him walking away.

 

 

\--

 

 

They look completely normal when you emerge for dinner.

 

"Have the two of you settled down?"

 

They look almost confused by your question.

 

"Are we making dinner?"

 

"I SUPPOSE WE SHOULD."

 

Sans is nowhere to be found when the meal is ready. You and Papyrus enjoy your food and you promptly return to the heap of bedding on your mattress, having left your bed unmade because you are in Full Potato Mode. Let's just-- Oh.

 

"Oooooh no. No nonononooo, no way. Wake the fuck up, dude." You violently shake a sleeping Sans until he stirs.

 

"mmm?" They lights in his eyes flicker on after he opens his sockets.

 

"Who the hell gave you permission to come into my room or to sleep in my bed?" You're seething.

 

"sorry. smelled like you." His arm reaches around you in his semi-consciousness.

 

You swat him away. "Nuh-uh, creepo. _Get_."

 

He grumbles but slowly raises himself, dragging your pillow behind him.

 

Ugh, whatever. You grab a new pillow from the linen closet. Stupid weird fucking gross monster roommates being unreasonably creepy. This is not what you fucking signed up for. No way. Nope. Fucking no.

 

 

\--

 

 

Morning.

 

Papyrus knocks on your door, waiting for you to get ready for your morning jog.

 

"I'm not going, Papyrus."

 

"WHAT?? YOU DIDN'T YESTERDAY THEN YOU DIDN'T GO ON THE HIKE."

 

"I'm mad at you." You roll over in your bed. "Go away."

 

"WAIT, WHAT?" Papyrus opens your door looking aghast. "WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME??"

 

"Not just you. I'm mad at Sans too. You're both being creepy as heck. Unsolicited. Uncalled for. Unacceptable. Gross."

 

"IS THIS BECAUSE OF THE PERSONAL SPACE THING??"

 

"Partially."

 

"I SAID I WAS SORRY!!"

 

"And then proceeded to molest me all day."

 

"YOU DIDN'T OBJECT!!" He puts his hands on his hips and furrows his brow. "THAT'S NOT FAIR."

 

"Fine. Okay. It wasn't. I'm sorry. _But_ ," you pause to inhale, "I don't appreciate that much contact and purring and sweaty squirming. It feels like you two were courting me."

 

"THAT'S STUPID. SKELETONS DON'T MATE LIKE THAT."

 

"Why're you sweating?"

 

"I'M SUDDENLY UNCOMFORTABLE. I THINK I'LL GO FOR THAT JOG NOW. TOODLE-OO."

 

He's out of your room before you can say anything.

 

Okay, that was the opposite of subtle.

 

 

\--

 

 

Another half an hour and you definitely hear Sans moan in the room next to yours. Okay. This is a good reason to not be home in the morning, you suppose. You knock on the wall.

 

"I'm still home, you know!"

 

A startled squeak. The noises coming from that side of the wall stop.

 

For a while, anyway.

 

Oh goodness. A thought.

 

You get up and walk over to his room, pounding on his door.

 

"Sans, you give me that pillow back this instant or I am out of here. I swear, you little creep," you seethe.

 

He opens the door, grumbling and looking sweaty as he hands you the pillow.

 

"mornin'."

 

"Why the hell are you guys being so lewd all of the sudden?"

 

"no wait, hang on, i-- "

 

"You're being disgusting, both of you."

 

"please--"

 

"What the fuck did I do, huh? Is it a monster thing, or what?"

 

"rude?"

 

"No, _you're_ being fucking rude."

 

"please stop freaking out." He reaches out in some sort of helpless desperate uncertainty.

 

"I was just starting to get used to you guys and you had to go and make it weird." You take a step backward.

 

"please don't move out. my bro really likes you."

 

"So?"

 

"i like you too. you're alright."

 

"Alright enough for you to be a creep after stealing my pillow. I shouldn't have let you take it." Ew. "Why the fuck is it wet?"

 

"i drool in my sleep sometimes." He's avoiding eye contact. "i swear that's saliva."

 

"You're the actual worst." The pillow case gets thrown onto his face and you return to your bedroom.

 

Looks like you're not going to be spending more than ten minutes at a time with these guys all week.

 

Nasty little perv.

 

 

\--

 

 

Papyrus knocks on your door when he gets home.

 

"______? ARE YOU AWAKE?"

 

"Yes. Why?"

 

"I GOT YOU SOME COMFORT FOOD."

 

"Why?"

 

"YOU SAID YOU WERE MENSTRUATING AND THE INTERNET SAID YOU MIGHT WANT THIS."

 

You open then door. He's holding an assortment of chips and chocolate.

 

"IT ALSO SAID TO FORGIVE YOU FOR BEING INEXPLICABLY ANRGY OR MOODY."

 

"Pft. Thanks, Pappy. My 'moodiness' is kinda justified though."

 

"I'M SORRY FOR MAKING YOU UNCOMFORTABLE."

 

"I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable too?"

 

He wraps his arms around you, crushing the chips as he gives you a big, apologetic hug.

 

"YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU MIGHT FEEL A LOT BETTER IF WE GO FOR A JOG. YOU LOOK TIRED ALL DAY WHEN YOU DON'T RUN WITH ME IN THE MORNING."

 

"Thanks?" you laugh. "A little rude, dude."

 

"COME ON. LET'S GO AND GET SOME FRESH AIR. THEN YOU CAN EAT YOUR UNACCEPTABLY GREASY FATTY TREATS AND FEEL LIKE A GOOD KIND OF GARBAGE."

 

"Always looking out for me, huh?" You chuckle.

 

"WELL SOMEONE HAS TO IF YOU'RE GOING TO VEGETATE ALL DAY." He takes you by the shoulders and guides you to your dresser. "GET DRESSED."

 

You're going to have to figure something out so you can deal with this nonsense if it's to be happening once a month.

 

 


	12. Cups of the Hick Variety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sick? Yeehaw.

 

 

Knock. Knock.

 

"Who is it?"

 

"no you gotta say who's there."

 

"Who's there, Sans?"

 

"doris."

 

"Doris who?"

 

"doris locked. can you open up?"

 

"Fine. Sorry. Here. I'm getting up." You put down your laptop and get off the bed.

 

"nono. no need." He cracks the door open and slips in, shutting it behind him.

 

"I already got up, you shit." You flop back down in exasperation. Maybe holing yourself up in your room last wasn't the best solution but it was better than dealing with uncomfortably horny skeletons. The place is messier than usual.

 

"heh. sorry."

 

"What's up?"

 

He leans against the wall, looking at you with a perplexed expression.

 

"so remember about a week ago when you pissed my brother off?"

 

"Yeah, we made cake and he was fine."

 

"did he explain why he was angry?"

 

"Nope. Irritating, I know. You told me not to bring it up."

 

"you said it was stupid that skeletons don't partner up and mate."

 

"Yeah."

 

"kay well we're not supposed to want to breed."

 

"Doesn't seem to stop you, my dude. I've heard two or three monsters leaving this place. You don't come home every night. What's your deal?"

 

"that's not what i'm getting at!" He suddenly looks adorably indignant.

 

"Okay okay. Your sex life is none of my business."

 

"listen." He pauses to pull out a handkerchief and wipe the back of his skull. Skeleton sweat sure is mysterious. "skeletons don't copulate to reproduce. because of that we don't form the kind of pair-bonded relationships that's normal in monsters."

 

"Like swans or whatever?"

 

"sure. whatever. swans." His bones scrape against the wall as he slides down to sit on the floor.

 

"You want to have a seat here?" You pat the space next to you.

 

"thought i wasn't allowed on your bed."

 

"Not when you're creepy and uninvited."

 

He waggles his brow.

 

"Never mind. Stay right there, fucker," you laugh.

 

"pft. fine," he chuckles.

 

You toss him a pillow and roll onto your stomach to face him, crossing your arms under your chin. "So was Papyrus upset about that? He feels self-conscious about being different?"

 

"something like that."

 

"I appreciate you at least telling me why it's offensive rather than being angry."

 

"yeah." He pulls his knees up and rests his chin on them. "so uh. i dunno. maybe be careful around that topic. please."

 

"Gotcha."

 

"so." He actually makes eye contact, which is unusual. "what's your deal?"

 

"My deal?"

 

"you smelled different all week."

 

"I had my period."

 

"period?"

 

"Menses?"

 

"that like abridged estrus or something?"

 

"Do we have to have The Talk?"

 

"educate me."

 

"I was going to give Pappy the talk too."

 

"heheheh."

 

"What?"

 

"ya know, it's cute that sometimes you talk about him and your voice goes up a bit."

 

"No it doesn't."

 

"it does." He's smirking. "just a little."

 

You click your tongue. "Kay. Fine. Time to get educated, boy."

 

 

\--

 

 

"WHY ARE YOU LYING ON THE COUCH??"

 

"I feel sick." And tired after spending over an hour teaching Sans about human reproduction.

 

"YOU WERE SICK ALL OF LAST WEEK."

 

"Not the same kind of sick. I think I'm catching something."

 

"MAYBE YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM IS WEAK BECAUSE YOU STOPPED TRAINING ALL WEEK. HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO HAVE SICK ABS IF YOU LIE THERE?? UNDYNE MIGHT JUST BE RIGHT IN CALLING YOU A WEENIE, YOU KNOW!!" His hands on his hips are never a good sign.

 

"Undyne called me a weenie?"

 

"AND A WIMP," he begins counting on his fingers, "AND FLAKY, AND FIDGETY--

 

"Around monsters," you defend.

 

"I DON'T SEE WHY YOU SHOULD BE." He narrows his eyes as he approaches your limp form. "SO WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"

 

"I'm intimated by large groups of strangers of a foreign species?"

 

"NONO. NOT THAT. NOW. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FRAIL HUMAN BODY?"

 

"Stomach ache. I probably ate something weird."

 

"WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO MAKE YOU A SOUP?" The shift from an accusatory to a concerned tone is immediate. "SOME SORT OF HEALTHY ELIXIR? JET JUICE FOR MY FRAIL AND FEEBLE FRIEND WHOSE HEALTH FAILED HER??"

 

"I mean, if it's not going to aggravate it further and it's too much trouble."

 

"EXCELLENT. I'LL MAKE A SOUP OF THE HIGHEST CALIBRE. MONSTERS DON'T GET SICK BUT IF WE DID IT WOULD PROBABLY KICK SICKNESS IN THE FACE!!" That pose itself is enough to slightly rejuvenate you.

 

"I appreciate it, Pappy."

 

 

\--

 

 

"WAKE UP!!" That voice is the alarm clock of the century.

 

"Eeeep! Papyrus nooo!"

 

"THE SOUP'S READY!! PLEASE EAT IF BEFORE YOUR BODY TURNS INTO A COLD, HARD LUMP OF SOMETHING PARTICULARLY UNPLEASANT-SMELLING."

 

"Why didn't you let me sleep?"

 

"BECAUSE THE SOUP'S READY?? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EAT IT AS THOUGH IT WERE YOUR OWN LIFEBLOOD. EXCEPT HUMANS DON'T EAT LIFEBLOOD, DO THEY??"

 

"Ugh." You're still half-asleep and ill-prepared for the Papyrus. Nothing could have prepared you for the Papyrus.

 

"I MADE IT WITH LOVE!! EAT IT WHILE IT'S HOT!!!" Oh no, his eyes are practically sparking. Look at that cute face.

 

"Fine." You take the soup. It's mysteriously bright red and makes you cough a little when you inhale the steam. It seems to have all been blended into a unified creamy consistency. "What's in it?"

 

"ALL KINDS OF THINGS. TASTES GREAT!!"

 

You take a tentative bite.

 

 

And time stops for a moment.

 

 

This is where you die. Face numbs. Throat closes up. You can't breathe. Lips are on fire. Everything burns.

 

"Papyrus!! It's too spicy," you sputter, dying. "Water!! Milk!! Rice!! Anything!!" Your choking knows no bounds. You can definitely tolerate a certain level of heat but this? This is hell and beyond. What was he thinking?! You make your way to the kitchen in a frantic haze, not even sure if you put the soup on the coffee table or in Papyrus' hands. You desperately scarf some bread and drink some water, coughing, sputtering and gasping. What did he use, reaper peppers or something?!

 

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" When did he even get behind you?

 

"No?! You can't just--" hic. Great, now you have hiccoughs. "--feed people food that spicy!!"

 

"ARE YOU NOT ABLE TO EAT IT??" He sounds disappointed.

 

"No, I--" hic, "can't! It's too spicy." Hic.

 

"WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU? YOU'RE MAKING THOSE CUTE NOISES??" His voice pitches upward to a squeal.

 

"They're not cute! They're--" hic, "annoying!"

 

"OH NO!! NOW YOU'RE SO FRUSTRATED!!" He's getting all flustered as you try to wash the tears from your face and wipe your flaming mouth. "SANS!! _SANS!!!!"_

 

Awkward shuffling.

 

" 'sup bro?"

 

"SANS!! OHMYGOODNESS LOOK!! _LOOK!!"_ He gestures to your form bent over the sink.

 

"Papyrus--!" hic. "No! Don't draw--" hic, "attention!" Hic. You wave, frustratedly.

 

Sans makes an ugly squealing noise. "what the heck are you doing?" He's about as giddy as the average person around newborn puppies.

 

"Papyrus' spicy soup gave me the--" hic, "hiccoughs!" Hic. Wow, they're intense; your entire chest cavity hurts.

 

"she's so frustrated!"

 

"I KNOW, RIGHT??"

 

"Don't take out your _phones!"_ Hic. _"Stop filming me!!"_ Hic.

 

"i didn't think humans could do that!"

 

"WHY ARE YOU SO FRUSTRATED??"

 

"Don't film me without my--" hic, "consent! Put those away!"

 

Papyrus pockets his phone and picks you up.

 

"SORRY. SORRY, I'LL DELETE IT."

 

"i won't."

 

"SANS, DELETE IT."

 

"pleeeease, can i keep it?! i won't show anyone." His face has been getting brighter by the second. You don't think you've ever seen Sans... excited before.

 

"AAAH!! HER WHOLE CHEST MOVES WHEN SHE DOES IT."

 

"Papyrus put me down!"

 

"SORRY!"

 

"can i feel it?" Sans practically has stars in his eyes. The lights in his sockets have gotten enormous.

 

"No!! You--" hic, "can't! And it's not funny-- stop giggling!"

 

"LOOK AT THE WAY YOUR RIBCAGE EXPANDS!!"

 

"I'm aware, Papyrus." Hic. "Ugh. I need to stop it."

 

"why would you stop that?" Sans seems beside himself with... you're not quite sure what that particular brand of excitement is. "does it hurt or something?"

 

"Yes."

 

"that's some cruel punishment right there."

 

"HOW DO WE STOP IT?"

 

"Water? Hold my breath? Make me laugh? Scare me?"

 

"ooh i can do laughter. you wanna hear a pun about ghosts?"

 

"NO."

 

" _that's the spirit_."

 

Papyrus actually lunges for him, landing face-first in the doorframe with a crack. The two of them erupt into laughter and you find yourself joining in when you see the damage Papyrus' face did to the doorframe even though he emerged unfazed. The laughter is long and hard. They're going to have to get that fixed.

 

A pause.

 

Another hiccough.

 

"Dammit!"

 

"no good huh?"

 

"BOO!!" Papyrus sticks his arms up in failed intimidation.

 

"Papyrus, you are the least scary monster alive."

 

"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE BUNNIES YET, HAVE YOU?"

 

"want me to try--?"

 

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!!" He dashes for the sink. "HERE!! YOU ALREADY DRANK WATER BECAUSE OF THE SPICY FOOD. TRY SOME MORE." He pours you a glass and hands it to you gingerly.

 

You hiccough halfway through drinking it and choke, sputtering water everywhere.

 

Sans and Papyrus are beside themselves, squealing.

 

"Cut it out!"

 

"IT'S SO CUTE!!"

 

"It's not! You're crazy! Monsters never hiccough?"

 

"well skeletons don't."

 

"Ugh." You take a deep breath.

 

...

 

"WHAT'S SHE DOING??"

 

"holding her breath, bro."

 

"WHY IS THAT SO CUTE??"

 

"i dunno. heheh. look at her lil' cheeks puff out." Oh you're going to kill both of them.

 

A hiccough breaks your hold. Dammit!

 

"Do you two enjoy--" hic. "watching me suffer?"

 

"NO!! IT'S JUST... SO CUTE!! WHY ARE HICCOUGHS SO CUTE??"

 

"we can step it up. d'you want a hand, for real?"

 

"Depends." Hic. Ugh, your sides are killing you.

 

"kay," Sans elbows papyrus and signs something to him before slipping behind you. "uh, so-- snk--" He needs a moment to compose himself when you hiccough again. "we're gonna make you laugh a little."

 

"You're in my bubble, creepo," you tease before hiccoughing again.

 

Sans hooks his arms under yours pulling you down slightly and Papyrus lunges for you, finding a ticklish spot.

 

"No!! Noooohooohoohohohohoho!! Aaah! Gaaah! Hahahaha!! Help! No! Ohmygosh I hate you boooth ahahahahaha!!"

 

"HAS SHE STOPPED YET?"

 

Hiccough.

 

"not yet," Sans purrs, seeming to enjoy the more direct physical contact as your ribcage expands and contracts.

 

"IS THIS WORKING??"

 

"I'm going to--" gasp, "ki--" hic, "--ill you both!"

 

"hehe, she doesn't mean it," Sans reassures Papyrus, who seems to have a harder time with non-literal statements.

 

Papyrus continues for a solid minute before you scream for mercy and are released.

 

"atta girl." Sans rubs your back affectionately as you gasp for air.

 

"DID IT WORK NOW??"

 

You lean onto Sans seeing as he's closer and stabilize yourself after a moment. "I think it worked."

 

"good."

 

"EXCELLENT--!! I MEAN, OF COURSE IT WOULD!! I CAN'T FAIL AT ANYTHING."

 

"You failed at making a soup that wouldn't kill me."

 

"ON THE CONTRARY, YOU'RE QUITE ALIVE!!" He claps his hands together and strikes a pose.

 

"you wanna sit down, kiddo?"

 

"Yeah. Please clarify what the hell you're going to do next time."

 

"hey, you'd have said no and would still be suffering."

 

"YEAH!! WE SPARED YOU!!"

 

"Ugh. Fine. No more monster food, treatments, or remedied for the rest of the week."

 

"I'LL MAKE SOME HOT CEREAL."

 

"ooh, the kind with the sugar eggs?"

 

"YEAH!! THE DINOSAURS!!"

 

"I'll take it over the death soup," you wheeze.

 

"what death soup?"

 

"Papyrus made me some monster remedy soup."

 

"there's no 'monster remedy' soup."

 

"WELL... IT'S NOT SO MUCH A REMEDY AS IT CONTAINS INGREDIENTS I THOUGHT WOULD BENEFIT HUMAN HEALTH."

 

"is it a recipe you learned from tori?"

 

"N-NO?? BUT STILL!! IT'S GOOD!!" Papyrus defends.

 

"hoo boy. sorry kiddo."

 

"Papyrus cooks all the time. I didn't know there would be any danger."

 

"well... there's still the occasional mishap."

 

"I'M GETTING BETTER THOUGH!!"

 

"I mean, if I could feel my mouth, I'd be willing to retry a less spicy version to humour you. What was in it?"

 

"BRUSSELS SPROUTS, GARLIC, ONION, PEPPERS, STORE-BOUGHT CHICKEN BROTH, GINGER, AND SOME WATER SAUSAGE."

 

"Water sausage? Why...?"

 

"that could have been prepared in a way that was palatable, bro. the ingredients seem logical enough."

 

"No. Bad. Denied. I'm going to sleep now."

 

"HOW'S YOUR STOMACH ACHE?"

 

"Worse."

 

"i think we have another can of broth. just heat that up with some noodles, bro."

 

"BUT IT'S NOT FANCY!! SHE DESERVED SOMETHING WITH MORE THOUGHT PUT INTO IT."

 

"Nothing wrong with bland when you're sick, Pappy." Besides, how is that less fancy that sugary store-bought oatmeal?

 

"UGH. FINE. GO BACK TO THE LIVING ROOM," he shoos.

 

You comply, followed by Sans, and flop onto the couch. Sans picks up Papyrus' concoction and downs the entire bowl in one gulp.

 

"yep," he looks at you with an enormous grin, "completely inedible."

 

"How did you even do that?"

 

"meh." He shrugs and installs himself onto you, reaching over you to grab the remote. "i don't have a stomach to hurt. as long as it's not poison, i'll be fine."

 

 

\--

 

 

The soup Papyrus brings you is quite nice. He's definitely snuck a little garlic into it.

 

 


	13. Please, Snazzy Snas?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MTT GLOW-YO TM

 

 

Papyrus ambushes you the second you emerge from your room.

 

"YOU'VE BEEN IMPROVING QUITE A BIT DURING OUR MORNING RUN LATELY!

 

"Oh, thanks, Pappy--"

 

"BUT NOW YOUR CLOTHES FIT YOU AWKWARDLY!! I MEAN, THEY'RE ALL TERRIBLY OUT OF FASHION ANYWAY-- SOMETHING WE NEED TO WORK ON TOGETHER, I KNOW."Ouch, that's quite the dirty look.

 

"Um, Papyrus, that's really not how you should--"

 

"ANYWAY," he interrupts again, "SOLVE MY PUZZLE!! WHAT CAN YOU WEAR THAT WILL NEVER GO OUT OF STYLE?"

 

"That was rude! You're being rude!!"

 

"COME ON, ANSWER IT!" His expression is fierce. Proud.

 

You take a moment.

 

"Hmm... A leather jacket?"

 

"WRONG!! CUTS CHANGE. THE ANSWER WAS YOUR SMILE!!"

 

"Aw, okay. That's actually kind of sweet." Makes up for his backhanded compliment. Probably.

 

"YOU'RE WELCOME," he crosses his arms, "BUT YOU FAILED." You can never tell if he's being socially oblivious or passive-aggressive. Something tells you it's never 100% of either.

 

"What's my punishment?"

 

"THROW OUT THOSE TERRIBLE SWEATPANTS."

 

"I've been losing weight since working out until I can't move all day. They're more or less all that fit."

 

"THAT'S COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE??? WE'RE GOING SHOPPING WHEN YOU GET HOME FROM WORK."

 

"Um--"

 

"NO PROTESTING!!" You have a feeling this morning's job will be harder than usual. You're not sure why.

 

He'd better be footing the bill.

 

 

\--

 

 

Okay, not only did he convince you to let him buy you some fashionable (albeit loud) workout gear, he also made you pick out three full outfits' worth of versatile pieces you could easily mix and match for work or other everyday wearing. It's not that he insisted so much as he would begin to get cold and resentful when you started arguing about it. Fine. _Fine!_ Where does he even get his money if he's in school full-time? Does Sans give it to him? You still have no idea what Sans does for a living.

 

The car trip home's pleasant. Driving with Papyrus is always pleasant. His car's comfortable and smells like he treats the leather frequently. It's late. The streetlights brush past you as you drive on the highway at a high speed.

 

 

\--

 

 

You get home and hop into the shower, emerging to a grinning Papyrus ambushing you again. Does he always wait by doors when he wants to talk to someone? He might have lurked outside Sans' room a couple of times, come to think of it. Are you imaging that?

 

"WHY DO HUMANS SING IN THE SHOWER??"

 

"I wouldn't be so quick to say every human does it. Why?"

 

"SANS LOVES IT WHEN YOU SING IN THERE, YOU KNOW." He's awkwardly following you to your room.

 

"He does?" Now that's news to you. "I thought it was the opposite. Was considering just not singing in the shower if it's that offensive."

 

"WHY WOULD YOU THINK IT'S OFFENSIVE?"

 

"Sans teasing me?"

 

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU SHOULD SEE THE WAY HE LURKS AROUND THE BATHROOM WHEN YOU SING."

 

As if right on cue, you hear the door to the apartment open with Sans' return.

 

You look at Papyrus in disbelief. "No."

 

"HE DOES IT EVERY TIME YOU SHOWER WHEN HE'S HOME."

 

"I refuse to believe it," you dismiss, digging through your drawers for pyjamas.

 

"YOU'VE CAUGHT HIM LURKING TOO. HAVEN'T YOU EMERGED TO FIND HIM AROUND THE BATHROOM?"

 

"I'll ask him what he really thinks." You turn on your heel and hitch your towel up.

 

Knock. Knock.

 

"Sans."

 

"not now. go away."

 

"Open up."

 

"a little privacy, please?" That's a different irritated tone than you're used to hearing when pulling Sans out of bed.

 

Ah, there's another voice in there. Poor timing on your part. Haha. Oops.

 

"Fine."

 

Just go back to your room.

 

"He's occupied-- and please stop neurotically arranging my underwear by colour. Get out of my drawers."

 

Papyrus squints, tossing you a pair. "DOES HE HAVE A FRIEND OVER?"

 

"Seems that way. Can you get out so I can get dressed? Maaaaaybe also stay out of my underwear seeing as I've been here for under two months?"

 

Papyrus clicks his tongue. "FINE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR ICE CREAM?"

 

"It's a little late but sure." You rummage for some non-potato clothing in that case.

 

He has his coat on when you get to the door.

 

"SANS! WE'RE LEAVING THE HOUSE ON MATTERS COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO YOUR SHENANIGANS. HAVE A NICE EVENING AND ENJOY YOUR UNINHIBITED CANOODLING!!" _Subtle, as always._

 

"Um! Bye," you call.

 

His shoulders slump ever so slightly the second the apartment door closes behind you.

 

"You alright, Pappy?"

 

A Papyrus whisper is barely a whisper but he gets points for trying. "I DON'T THINK HE HAS VERY HEALTHY COPING MECHANISMS BUT I'M NOT HERE TO JUDGE."

 

"Coping mechanisms?"

 

"NEVER MIND."

 

" _Just leave me hanging then._ " You roll your eyes, annoyed. Two can play the Papyrus game.

 

No response.

 

Ah, right, Papyrus isn't too good with sarcasm. You walk down the hall to the elevator in near silence. Take in that familiar apartment building smell as you wait for the elevator.

 

Ride down to the garage in silence.

 

Walk to

 

the

 

 

car.

 

 

"Papyrus, you're obviously bothered."

 

"FINE. YES. I'M BOTHERED BUT IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS."

 

"Is it about the whole mating thing?"

 

"I DON'T KNOW WHY HE DOES IT!! HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE. I MEAN, I RESPECT HIS DECISIONS BUT I DON'T GET IT." He huffs as he starts the car and backs out of the parking space.

 

Maybe just being a listening ear would be the better choice right now.

 

"Do you want to go for a long drive?"

 

"AN ADVENTURE??"

 

"Alright!"

 

"WAIT!! I PROMISED YOU ICE CREAM FIRST!!"

 

"Whatever!"

 

"DON'T YOU 'WHATEVER' ME. WE'RE GETTING SOME FROZEN YOGHURT FIRST. THERE'S THIS NEW MTT BRAND FROYO THAT CAME OUT AND I'M DYING TO TRY IT."

 

"Oh?"

 

"IT'S CALLED MTT GLOW-YO!! APPARENTLY IT HAS EDIBLE SEQUINS."

 

"Sequins," you scoff. "Really? What the hell?" Glowyo froyo. Pft.

 

"YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY BUT HE USED REAL ONES ON HIS BURGERS UNDERGROUND. SEQUINS AND GLUE!!"

 

"Ooooh my goodness." You suppose monsters can digest anything but what the hell?

 

 

\--

 

 

Froyo acquired. Glittery sugar sequins? Very photogenic and passable flavour-wise. Interesting that human franchises are distributing monster products now. That said, Mettaton's probably the only monster with a big enough name to pull that off. He was an instant hit among the demographics who listen to anything with auto-tune or a voice bank. Virtual idol lovers took to him immediately. He slowly trickled into the mainstream and now he's everywhere just as he was underground.

 

The two of you are back in the car after your ice cream endeavours. Truthfully, you're pretty exhausted after shopping for hours earlier today and you've just eaten too much. It was funny to see the look on the face of the teen at the counter when you walked in all chummy with a skeleton. It's become such a normal part of your day that it's easy to forget that humans and monsters don't... really... mingle?

 

The drive is nice. You wake up in your bed the next morning. He must have carried you up from the car like a toddler.

 

 

\--

 

 

"heheh."

 

"Why do you always seem to have something about me to laugh at?" Normally you'd be sitting on the couch with Sans but you're working in a corner on the floor tonight.

 

He continues snickering. He's been quietly laughing at you for the past hour now as you struggle to chip away at the bone puzzle he's given you. You're having a hard time ignoring him.

 

"Sans!" You can feel yourself growing hot with a cocktail of irritation and self-consciousness. "Cut it out."

 

"you're gonna break the inner one if you chisel away at it like that--" He suddenly bursts into uncontrollable laughter.

 

"What now?!"

 

"your nose scrunches up a bit when you're mad. humans have some cute mannerisms when you get over the fact that they might murder you."

 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

 

"nothing, really," he muses.

 

"Are you trying to irritate me?" You chuck the bone at him and he catches it awkwardly.

 

"not at this point." That stupid grin.

 

"Fine. I'm going to sleep. It's been a long day anyway." You start sweeping up bone dust with your hand so Papyrus doesn't have an aneurism.

 

"you're going about it the wrong way." He extends his arm and hands you the bone as you walk by.

 

"What the hell?" All your hard work's been undone. The bone looks brand new. "What did you do? Why would you do that?"

 

"do it properly."

 

" _You_ do it properly." His hand's still on the bone so you push it back to him.

 

He clicks his tongue. "that's not how you ask for favours."

 

"Please?" Your mock begging voice disgusts even you. Push the bone onto him more. He has to bury himself in the couch cushions with the pressure.

 

"don'tchu ' _please'_ me, kiddo." Did his face just twitch? "and can you throw that dust out? it's creepy as hell."

 

"This dust?" You blow some off your hand. "Don't like bone dust on your big scary human roommate? Gimme the answer to the puzzle, bone boy."

 

Was that a shudder you felt? Oh, he actually looks uncomfortable. Pull back.

 

"Sorry," you mumble.

 

He's not making eye contact. "s'alright."

 

Awkward silence. Shuffle off to clean the dust off your hands, leaving the bone with him. Maybe you shouldn't be giving monsters more reasons to be scared of humans.

 

"WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN THE SINK??" Papyrus is scowling.

 

"Just washing my hands, Paps."

 

"IT SMELLS LIKE CALCIUM."

 

"Yeah, it's bone dust."

 

"WHAT THE HELL??" He's completely aghast.

 

"Don't worry, I didn't kill anyone."

 

"THAT'S STILL DISGUSTING??"

 

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I'm cleaning it." Yet another bumbling faux pas by the human; you get it.

 

"DID YOU TRY TO GET INTO THE BONE SANS GAVE YOU?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"FAILED MISERABLY, I SUPPOSE."

 

"Yeah."

 

"WOULD YOU LIKE SOME HELP??"

 

"Yeah--! Yes please!"

 

"YOU'LL HAVE TO ASK SANS THEN." Ouch. Left hanging.

 

"Dammit, Pappy. You had me going there." You wipe the sink off and head back into the living room to fetch your bone.

 

Sans has already fallen asleep on the couch. He's snoring softly. Maybe that's a bit of a purr. You can't tell. Gently pull your bone out of his arms.

 

He rolls over, facing away from you.

 

"Sans," you whisper. "Pst. Give me the bone."

 

"heh."

 

Is he laughing in his sleep? He's made it harder for you to reach the damn bone.

 

Just lean over and yank it. You have to get close enough to feel his breath in order to do so.

 

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"

 

You squeal and jump about a foot in the air. Thank goodness skeletons sleep like the dead-- Sans doesn't even stir.

 

"I'm trying to get the bone."

 

"IF THAT'S A EUPHEMISM, YOU'LL HAVE TO LOOK ELSEWHERE THAN MY BROTHER UNLESS YOU'RE ALRIGHT WITH NOTHING BUT SENSUAL CALCIUM FRICTION," he teases, laughing. 

 

"Noooo! Oymygosh, Papyrus! I mean _my_ bone. The one Sans gave me. The puzzle."

 

"HOPE SO. SKELETONS DON'T HAVE APPENDAGES TO 'BONE' YOU WITH, NYEH HEH-- WHY ARE YOU SO TENSE ALL OF THE SUDDEN??" Oh nooo, he knows he's won. That smirk! It's too bright!

 

Can monsters feel your body temperature rising?

 

"I'm fine. Just getting. The thing." You turn on your heel and bend over to hurriedly yank the bone from Sans a little too roughly. It wakes him up and he squeaks at the proximity of your faces before sitting up too quickly and causing your heads to collide, crushing your nose painfully.

 

"Owww!! Owowowow!" You recoil, making a mess.

 

"yeowch! ow! what the heck?"

 

"Sorry!"

 

"OH MY GOSH," Papyrus sputters, cackling. "I'M EMBARRASSED _FOR_ YOU!! NYEH HEH HEH!! HOW DID YOU EVEN MANAGE THAT??"

 

"Papyrus, _staaahp!!"_

 

"WHAT THE HELL?? YOU'RE BLEEDING EVERYWHERE!"

 

"what the heck were you doing to me in my sleep?!"

 

"Dothing!" You sound like an idiot, pinching your nose and tilting your head forward to stop your nosebleed. "I just wand-ted this back!"

 

"SANS, THERE'S BLOOD ON YOUR FACE!!" Papyrus doesn't seem to know what to do with himself as he eyes two absolute bumbling idiots right now.

 

Sans looks like a cross between exasperated and panicked and he wipes your blood off his forehead and sees the contrast on his white bones. His sleep-laden eyes suddenly focus on you and he realizes what's going on. A frustrated grumble escapes him as he calms himself on the spot and heads to the kitchen, returning momentarily with some paper towel for you and a streaky, half-assed cleanup on his forehead.

 

"here, kid."

 

"Thanks."

 

"HERE, LET ME-- NO. WAIT. STEP ONE-- INFORM THE CASUALTY THAT YOU KNOW FISRT AID!!" He pauses for a moment. "I'M TECHNICALLY TRAINED IN FIRST AID!! CAN I HELP YOU??"

 

You burst out laughing. "We're uh, past that poindt." 

 

"i think we're good, bro."

 

"Thangks Pappy. I've got this."

 

Sans collapses onto the couch and you follow suit, taking a moment to clean yourself up properly. You tear off a piece of the length of paper he's given you and use the larger part to nurse your nosebleed. You practically saw stars when he hit you.

 

"Here, you wandt be to get that?" You motion to his forehead.

 

"didn't i?"

 

You shake your head, cleaning up the rest when he gives you the nonverbal okay.

 

"you sound real dumb with your nose pinched," he chuckles.

 

"You look real dumb covered in blood."

 

"the heck were you tryna do?"

 

You gently whack him with the bone and you both sigh.

 

"you alright? that's not serious, is it?"

 

"I'll be okay."

 

You release your nose after a few minutes and straighten your head. It's in serious pain but it doesn't feel broken.

 

"I should probably go to bed."

 

"same."

 

"Goodnight... then?"

 

He flops over and buries himself in the couch.

 

"You're not going to your actual _bed_ bed?"

 

"nah. bed's a mess. 'night." He pulls his hood up and curls his knees.

 

You drape the throw over him before heading to bed.

 

 

 


	14. Cringe Binge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stop talking!

 

"Papyrus, you know you're really abrasive sometimes, right?" You can't take it anymore. He's nice and obviously means well but you're fed up.

 

"WHAT??? I STRIVE TO BE COMFORTING AND PLEASANT!!"

 

"Okay, let's start with the pushiness then. You interrupt me a lot and--"

 

"DO I??"

 

"Look, you just did it."

 

"I DID??"

 

"Yes!"

 

He groans.

 

"Look, I'm pretty sure you're not trying to be a dick or anything--"

 

"WHY WOULD I _TRY_ TO BE??"

 

"You did it again."

 

"GAH!!"

 

"Okay, let's try this. Let me say something. Count to three after I'm finished, then reply."

 

"OKAY!!"

 

"So. I'm working on this puzzle right now."

 

"..." Papyrus looks like he's concentrating. "WOWIE!! DO TELL ME ABOUT IT!!"

 

"I'm using those tile blocks you gave me. Would you like to try it?"

 

"..." Deep concentration again.

 

"Okay, you don't have to try _that_ hard, Pappy," you laugh.

 

"OH PHEW!! IT'S EXTREMELY DIFFICULT."

 

"Just, you know, try not to cut people off so much-- or be overly pushy."

 

"I DON'T MEAN ANY HARM."

 

"I know you don't. It's alright."

 

"OKIE DOKIE THEN."

 

"And for the love of all things good, please don't go into my drawers and rearrange my underwear the way you did the other day."

 

"IT'S NOT LIKE I WAS TOUCHING YOUR SOCKS!!"

 

"Boundaries," you state firmly.

 

"BOUNDARIES."

 

" _Boundaries_ ," you reiterate.

 

"FINE!!"

 

He picks you up and spins you around in a hug, bones digging into your skin almost painfully as he buries his face in your hair, purring. Wrap your arms around him and intake the pleasant calcium scent of your skeleton buddy. What is that scent anyway? It definitely smells like cologne and something else. Sans doesn't wear cologne. The two brothers have especially different scents-- neither bad.

 

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME CAMPING WITH ME AND UNDYNE THIS WEEKEND?" He's rattling his bones excitedly as he poses the question.

 

Speaking of pushy. Goodness, are you willing to deal with the terrifying fish lady?

 

Groooooan.

 

"Fine."

 

Rest in pieces.

 

 

\--

 

 

Undyne's surprisingly tame this weekend. Just kidding, she's worse than Papyrus with her energy levels, running about. You set up camp and she literally punched a tree until it came down when Papyrus announced that you needed firewood. What the hell? You've officially seen everything. Or so you thought. She suplexed a boulder just to show off when you told her that Papyrus has been whipping you into shape. Why does she have three rows of pointy shark teeth? Why did she compliment the outfit Papyrus bought you, calling you cute when she met up with you?

 

That said, despite being utterly terrifying, she seems to trust you more than Sans does, which says a lot considering you've been living with him and Papyrus for a little over two months now. She actually made Papyrus stop and take a break when you were dying on the uphill trek this afternoon, which leads you to think that she might not want to destroy you. Probably. The evening's nice and you're cooking some food for dinner. Of course she sets her marshmallows on fire and hollers at the top of her lungs because she thinks it looks cool. You'll be sharing a tent. Papyrus never sleeps but Undyne seems inclined to. You dread the morning as it'll be freezing. Maaaaybe Papyrus'll be nice enough to keep the fire going overnight. Undyne's cold-blooded, right? She certainly eats as though she is-- needing only a fraction of what you need to keep going. Yikes, and considering her energy output, that's probably a lot too.

 

Morning.

 

Undyne has... snuggled into you? Your respective sleeping bags shield you individually but there's definitely some intense snuggling going on. Is it for the warmth? Probably. Wiggle out of your sleeping bag to get punched in the face by the frigid morning air and meander to the small fire Papyrus has going.

 

"Why don't you ever sleep?"

 

"SLEEP IS THE COUSIN OF DEATH."

 

"Pft. You're literally a skeleton." You pull out the leftovers and begin to reheat them for breakfast.

 

"THAT'S RACIST," he jokes.

 

"Pft.."

 

"NYEH HEH HEH. I SHOULD PERHAPS MAKE SOME MORE _IN-TENTS_ JOKES THEN."

 

"Papyrus, why do you pretend to hate puns?"

 

"PUNS ARE ONLY FUNNY WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE MAKING THEM, OBVIOUSLY."

 

"What're you talking about, they're always _punny._ "

 

He scowls at you.

 

"BAD."

 

"Nygaaaaahh!! Why am I the last one up?" Undyne bursts out of the tent at top speed. "Did you plan this? ARE YOU TRYING TO HUMILIATE ME?"

 

"No? I just woke up too."

 

Papyrus' screaming probably woke her up. She makes her way to the fire pit and pulls the leftover dinner you're reheating from your hands.

 

"Hey punk, you're going to have to eat AFTER we go for a run."

 

"Rude?"

 

"Don't want you to get a cramp and start whining like a big weenie!!"

 

"Nooo!"

 

"Yes!!"

 

You suppose that her not wanting you to get a cramp is a good sign. She's looking out for you, right? That's good, right?

 

 

\--

 

 

You've dropped Undyne off and have stopped at the store to pick up some groceries. The clientele at the place run by monsters doesn't seem to have gotten used to you but the employees recognize you at this point, which is nice. Papyrus is trying to solve a puzzle for a discount so you make your way to the hot foods. Weird. What do they do to their food that makes it not spoil anyway? Almost nothing here has an expiration date. Is it the growing process? The cooking process? Both? You inspect a pre-packaged dish you've never seen before. Is this meat? Some sort of meat-like by-product like tofu? It's bright pink and smells heavenly. Sweet yet savoury? A mix of both? You want this. Add it to the cart.

 

"WHY DID YOU ADD THAT?"

 

"It smells good and I want to try it."

 

"DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS?"

 

"Nope."

 

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS?"

 

"Will it kill me?"

 

"NO."

 

"Did something suffer for it to be made?"

 

"NO? UNLESS MANAGEMENT IS ESPECIALLY CRUEL BUT THAT'S MORE OF A HUMAN THING."

 

"Well then I'm buying and I'm trying."

 

"SUIT YOURSELF," he chuckles.

 

Hey, you've already eaten snails. How bad could this be?

 

 

\--

 

 

"whatcha got there?" Sans has already installed himself on the couch when you walk in, ready to snack on your findings.

 

"Dunno. Bought it from the monster grocer. Why?"

 

"oh nice. can i steal a bite?"

 

"Knock yourself out."

 

You eat in silence for a moment. The pink stuff is bizarre, melting in your mouth with a weird fizz. So far, all the monster food you've tried has just tasted like regular food. This almost feels like eating baking soda despite the flavour being completely different. Oddly enough, you can feel your tense, sore muscles relaxing despite it not being very long since Undyne and Papyrus murdered you running up and down that hill today.

 

"So what is this?"

 

"it'll cure what ails ya," he chuckles. "then again, so will most monster food."

 

You do love that happy bone rattling. He must be content. Is it nostalgia? Satisfaction? Maybe he just likes the taste. Sans is a mystery.

 

"But will it mend..." you dramatically flip your head back smacking your forehead with the back of your hand, "my broken heart?"

 

"can't say it will but i might be able to give someone a good talking to if you need," he conspires, playing along.

 

"This is pretty good though."

 

"it's good in a sandwich too."

 

"Really?"

 

"you _bread_ -er believe it."

 

"Sans, that was bad."

 

"no food puns? wasn't _mint_ to be, huh?"

 

"Not at all. I can see what Papyrus meant by puns only being good when you're the one making them. Your food puns are too _munch_!"

 

"pft. not true. and food puns a a surefire way to _bowl_ someone over."

 

"Takes two to _mango_."

 

"let's dance, human," he challenges.

 

"You asking me out on a _date?_ "

 

"su- _fries_ to say... nope." He finishes the last bite of your Edible Pink Mystery and leans into you, claiming his human tax.

 

"What if I objected to you constantly using me as a cushion?"

 

"would you?" He looks up at you wags his eye... socket... brows? What even are those? They're technically eyebrows, right? You've been mentally referring to them as eyebrows anyway.

 

"I might."

 

"why?"

 

"Do you have a thing for me?"

 

"no?" He furrows his brow. "why would you ask that?"

 

"you're awfully cuddly."

 

"with anyone who's soft." He shrugs before rolling onto his side and shifting his attention to the TV.

 

"That wasn't just an excuse to nap on Toriel then?" You nudge him playfully.

 

"what? no." He sounds indignant. "we're buds," he dismisses. Oh, oops. Did you offend him?

 

"Okay, okay, just checking," you recover. Yikes. Thin ice.

 

"does it bother you?" He rolls back onto his back, looking up at you. Give him a gentle pat and watch his sunken eyes relax a little.

 

"Nah, it's alright."

 

"cool."

 

"Yeah."

 

"heh."

 

...

 

"Um..."

 

"hm?"

 

"Nothing."

 

Awkward! You made it awkward! Why did you make it awkward? It was fine, you idiot.

 

"you alright?"

 

"Just fine!"

 

"you're tense."

 

"I'm good. Just stoked for this show."

 

"you hate this show."

 

"Okay! I lied! I have to pee! Actually, I might as well go!"

 

You scramble up and head to the bathroom before retreating to your room for the rest of the night.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Abort! Abort!


	15. Mental and Menstrual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can you freaking chill?

 

 

 

You emerge from your room to... a freaking wall. What? What the hell? You've just woken up and are _not_ ready for this kind of puzzle on a full bladder and need to tend to your feminine needs.

 

"Papyrus, what the hell is this?"

 

"A MAZE." His voice is perfectly audible from through the wall.

 

"Why?"

 

"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING THAT QUESTION?"

 

"I need to pee."

 

"SOLVE MY PUZZLE."

 

"Papyrus, I need to pee!"

 

"BETTER MOVE FAST THEN!! NYEH HEH HEH!!"

 

This is cruel and unusual but you somehow manage to figure out that the wall is actually... a pivoting door. It rotates and allows you to slip past it, moving on to three subsequent ones in sequence. How did he manage to cram them all into such a small space? Finally, sweet, sweet relief.

 

He's already uninstalling them by the time you emerge.

 

"Good morning, then."

 

"GOOD MORNING!! THAT WAS QUICK," he compliments. "SOLVE MY PUZZLE!!"

 

"Papyrus, I just woke up and the first thing I did was have to get through a maze."

 

"a- _maze_ -ing, right?" Sans emerges with a sleepy expression, as if on cue. He's walking alongside you and Papyrus on your way to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast. Weekends are a good excuse to not go jogging in the morning as you usually have some sort of outdoor activity planned.

 

"Sans, nooo."

 

"EXACTLY," Papyrus agrees before turning to you. "NOW. WHAT HAS THREE FEET BUT NO TOES?"

 

"Snails having a threesome?"

 

Sans seems to choke on his own saliva at this answer, keeling over and needing a moment to regain his composure.

 

"DON'T BE LEWD!! IT'S A YARDSTICK. YOU FAIL!!!" Papyrus brandishes the pot in which he's preparing the oatmeal at you.

 

You blow a raspberry. "Boo. What's my punishment then?"

 

"aw bro, you can't punish her," Sans wheezes. "that was too good."

 

"IT WASN'T THAT FUNNY." Papyrus is scowling, arms crossed. "YOUR PUNISHMENT IS TO COME STARGAZING TONIGHT."

 

"Oh?

 

"oh!" Sans actually seems inclined.

 

"Fine."

 

"EXCELLENT. UNDYNE WILL BE HERE IN TWO HOURS." He serves the steaming cereal and you dig in before it cools. Whoops, too hot.

 

"oof. good luck," Sans mourns.

 

"I might have to take it easy today." You don't want to spend too much time with your roommates at once considering what seems to happen when you're like this.

 

"ARE YOU SICK?"

 

"Feeling gross and bloated. I should probably take it easy."

 

"stay home then." Sans is classy, as always, with a mouth full of oatmeal. You've gotten used to not looking at skeletons when they eat. It was easier than getting used to watching skeletons eat. (You're still trying!)

 

"I might."

 

 

\--

 

 

Late afternoon and you hear a knock at your bedroom door.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"no, you've gotta say who's there."

 

"Who's there, Sans?"

 

"you're no fun," he chuckles. "you decent?"

 

"Depends on your standards."

 

"probably not as high as my brother's."

 

"Fair. C'mon in."

 

"you alright? you don't normally hide out in here all day."

 

"I'm fine. Watching some videos."

 

"you wanna come out and do that? it might be better for ya."

 

"Nah. Though you're welcome to join the Potato Club if you'd like." You pat the empty space next to you, about to play your video. If he's that concerned, you could at least let him know you're alright and spend some time together. Sans is kind of cute in the little ways he shows that he cares.

 

"guess it wouldn't hurt, huh?" He drags his bony ass onto the space next to you and carefully leans onto you. Nice try hiding that happy bone rattling, Sans.

 

"Hey buddy, no human tax in my room-- _eek!"_ You're startled when he pinches a bit of you in protest.

 

"d'you really hate it?"

 

"Nah, I'm just messing. That said, it's a little weirder in a bed than on a couch."

 

He wags his eyebrows suggestively and purrs jokingly, knowing it'll rile you up.

 

"I shouldn't react. It'll only encourage you," you chortle.

 

"whatever. play the video then."

 

Truthfully, you did try to stay awake but the additional warmth, despite being from an uncomfortably hard and pokey source, ruined all chances of that happening.

 

 

\--

 

 

"GOOD MORNING!!" Papyrus seems awfully cheerful considering you flaked on him last night by falling asleep.

 

"Oh shoot, sorry Pappy, I--"

 

"NONO IT'S ALRIGHT," he reassures you. Was that actual concern in his voice? You were expecting a guilt trip or lecture of sorts.

 

You feel nasty because you spent all day in bed last night but drag yourself out of bed for your morning jog. It'll probably do you some good to get out and moving. As much as you prefer the warmth and comfort of your own bed, you've learned the hard way that your body seems to prefer when you make it suffer in the morning.

 

Papyrus seems to be taking it easy on you all morning, doting on you until you tell him to stop. He means well, he really does, but it's getting annoying. What happened to boot camp Papyrus practically running you into spikes he should probably be getting into trouble for installing. True, he's been driving the two of you to a nature trail out of town, where he's less likely to get a fine (or caught at all) since having the ones he installed in the park removed; but isn't he worried about doing something like this considering he's training to be in law enforcement? Try not to think about it too hard. Aside from that, the jog's pleasant but you need a long rest before getting in car. It's still Sunday and your job in this town is merciful in that you get Actual Real Weekends off-- a privilege you've been using to your advantage. Just lie in the grass for a moment before you get into the car for the drive back into town. The weekend morning jogs are always more intense since you come out here instead of going to the track four blocks down the road.

 

"ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT DYING?" Papyrus sounds really stressed out.

 

You don't feel any different. A little tired because you were a bedroom hermit all day yesterday but otherwise alright. Why is he looking at you like you could drop dead at any moment? He's looked like he's been a small trigger away from lunging at you, should you have collapsed this morning.

 

"I'm fine. Why do you keep asking?"

 

He looks confused for a moment.

 

"I DON'T KNOW," he concludes. Only Papyrus could be this enthusiastically affirmative about not knowing something.

 

 

\--

 

 

The drive home was a lot longer that it should have been due to an accident blocking two lanes. You've been in the car for far longer than you should have and Papyrus is definitely beginning to sweat. Note to self: no long drives with rattling skeletons when on your period. He's practically trembling by the time you get home and part of you wonders if it's even safe to drive in this state. On the bright side, at least skeletons smell nice when they're this sweaty. Wait, do they always? Come to think of it, you're not sure if this is a consistent scent.

 

His squirming is particularly noticeable in the elevator.

 

"Sorry, Pappy."

 

"WHAT? WHY ARE YOU SORRY."

 

"You're obviously uncomfortable. Pretty sure it's 'cause I have my period. I managed to get out of being around you and Sans for too long at a time last month and most of the month before," you offer. "I don't know why you guys get all weird around me."

 

The doors open to your floor and you make your way down the hall to your unit.

 

"IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN HELP IT," he offers.

 

His face is practically glowing it's so bright.

 

"I can make breakfast if you'd like to take a cold shower or something," you volunteer.

 

"OH GOODNESS, PLEASE."

 

Although Papyrus wastefully never showers in the bathroom attached to his bedroom, he certainly did practically run to it the second the two of you got through the door.

 

 _Subtle_.

 

 

\--

 

 

Breakfast is almost awkwardly quiet with Sans looking almost drunk and Papyrus looking completely spent. How long did Sans stay with you after you fell asleep last night?

 

"Guys, can we figure something out for when I'm on my period? Even though I'm sure you're not trying to be disrespectful, you're both kind of on the borderline."

 

"man, i didn't ask for this," Sans laments, extending his arms forward and leaning forward onto the table. Way to almost put your face in your plate, dude.

 

"I'M TRYING VERY HARD!!" Papyrus looks almost determined despite monsters not technically being able to feel determination.

 

"I know, I know. It's just--"

 

"WHAT IF WE STOP RUNNING TOGETHER WHEN YOU PERIOD."

 

"heh. pretty sure, 'when you period,' isn't really a thing you say, bro."

 

"WELL I JUST SAID IT. REMEMBER WHEN YOU GOT A NERF GUN??"

 

"yeah. got it to shoot at my light switch. why?"

 

"I KNOW," Papyrus groans. "YOU KEPT MISSING ALL YOUR SHOTS AND GOING TO SLEEP WITH THE LIGHTS ON ANYWAY!!"

 

"no big deal."

 

"QUANTITY OVER QUALITY DOESN'T MAKE FOR A VERY GOOD POWER BILL!!"

 

"whatever bro. humans are destroying the world anyway." Sans raises his head and looks at you. "no offence."

 

"None taken," you chuckle.

 

"I WILL FIND IT AND I WILL NON-THREATENINGLY SHOOT AT YOU EVERY TIME YOU MAKE A PUN IF YOU'RE TO BE NITPICKING MY STATEMENTS ON HUMAN FEMALES' PHYSIOLOGY. NYEH HEH HEH."

 

Somehow the mental image of Papyrus shooting Sans with foam darts has you snickering. "I mean, hey, 'when you period,' can be a verb," you moderate, hopeful that they'll stop bickering. You can tell how playful it is in nature though. It's cute that they're always trying to get under one another's metaphorical skin.

 

"I'M AT A LOSS FOR NOW." Papyrus scratches the back of his skull. Looks like once he's gotten started he's a sweaty mess for a while despite the shower.

 

"i suppose we can think about it..." Sans is musing into the table. He's lied back down on it and you're pretty sure it's going to be difficult to get him up.

 

"How about this? That's my puzzle to you guys then," you declare.

 

Sans slides off the table and falls off his chair with a clatter of bone on ceramic tile.

 

"Holy shit dude, are you alright?"

 

"sorry. sorry. i'm alright. my bad."

 

You're on dish duty this morning so you decide to gather everything now before further accidents can occur.

 

The spoon Papyrus was eating his oatmeal with is bent over ninety degrees.

 

 

\--

 

 

Running into your roommates on your way from the bathroom has become something you've grown used to. Once Papyrus mentioned it, you started noticing how often Sans lurks outside the bathroom when you sing in the shower. He goes out of his way to make it look like he's on his way to his room whenever you manage to catch him before he withdraws prematurely.

 

Damn.

 

You can't quite put your finger on it but something about the way your roommates smell right now is incredibly erotic. Is it a pheromone thing? Are they reacting to your menses? You don't care that much but you sure do want to know why you find it so sweet-smelling. Why do you feel compelled to put your mouth on Sans right now? Is he doing something with his magic to lure you in? Nah, you're probably giving him too much credit-- Papyrus also smells sweet right now. Maybe it's subconscious. Maybe they have zero control.

 

"Hey wait, Sans?"

 

"hm?"

 

"Why do you lurk outside the bathroom when I sing in the shower?"

 

"i have no idea what you're talking about." The purring is loud today. It's that helplessly hungry purr you heard last month.

 

"I hear that purring."

 

"can't help it."

 

"What's up with that anyway? It's like you have two different types of purrs."

 

"i uh... i'm not sure, to be honest. i don't wanna talk about that. it's not necessarily a purr anyway."

 

"It's totally a purr. You're going to be like this every time I have my period or what?"

 

"dunno."

 

You sigh, hitching your towel up.

 

"so once a month, huh?"

 

"Yeah. So what's your deal? You and Paps get all squirmy."

 

"that uh..." He looks off to the side. "well when female monsters are in heat, they can affect compatible monsters."

 

"So like heat? Oooh my goodness. Are you in heat?"

 

"no? male monsters go into probably what you'd refer to as a rut. same as animals. anyway, it's not normal for skeletons."

 

"Is that what's going on? Hahaha, are we compatible?" You playfully wag your eyebrows now. Oooh, is that an embarrassed Sans? Look at his face brighten as you back him against the wall with a soft click of bone.

 

He's avoiding eye contact as he tends to. "first of all, here's nothing really 'compatible' with a skeleton--"

 

"Papyrus thinks humans and skeletons are related--"

 

"and even if we were, that wouldn't make sense. skeletons don't copulate. i'm pretty sure you understand that that's the reason papyrus was offended last month..."

 

"What about you?" A playful hand finds his shoulder. Nothing but bone under the fabric. Here's an excellent opportunity for some payback for all the times he's mocked you. "And why do you smell so sweet? You doing that on purpose?"

 

"personal questions, kiddo." Visible sweat. "wait. sweet?"

 

You're winning.

 

"I spent almost an hour going into intense detail about my personal physiology last month," you tut, running a finger along his jaw. Fuck, he really does smell nice right now. You've never been so compelled to lick something before and you can't tell is he's uncomfortable, aroused, or both. The lights in his eyes have shrunk so much that they're Papyrus-sized. You can barely see them at all. Bone rattling fills the hallway along with that fucking salacious purr of his.

 

His face relaxes for just a moment when you hum.

 

"You like it when I hum, don't you?"

 

"i don't like it when you've pinned me to a wall." He's entered flight mode.

 

"Are you really scared of me?"

 

"not really."

 

"I make you uncomfortable though, don't I?"

 

"a little." A lot.

 

"So why do you use me as a pillow when we're both on the couch?" The longer you spend around him, the more you want to jump his bones. What the fuck is that smell? You could eat him for dessert right now.

 

"you're soft?" He arches his back and expands his chest slightly, looking more determined as he dares grab your chin and rest a thumb on your bottom lip. "pretty soft. kinda worth the risk." Was the a growl?

 

"Hitting on the big scary human?" Wow, you should be ashamed of yourself with the amount of lust in your voice. Calm down. You can't fuck a monster, you idiot.

 

"says you, who's pinned me to a wall," he definitely growls. Ooooh he's borne his fangs.

 

You lower yourself slightly and whisper into his ear hole, "you know, mister, those fangs of yours sure do look dangerous when you pull your face back like that."

 

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING? ARE YOU CANOODLING?" Papyrus has probably been wondering about the noise in this part of the apartment.

 

Oh. Huh. You're right up on him at this point, aren't you? _Whoops._

 

"Nope," You declare matter-of-factly, turning on your heel and stepping away from the skeleton, humming.

 

Sans is left in against the wall in a sweat.

 

 

You need some relief after that.

 


	16. Summer Sunset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer city heat and a nice dog treat. Or three. Or more.

 

 

You're feeling refreshed after your morning torture session, rather, jog with Papyrus. A hot shower to ease your muscles and a hearty breakfast to fuel your body always seem to pick you right up. Sans is off and you're finishing the dishes with Papyrus. The scent of dish soap fills your nostrils as you dry the pot he's just passed you. You're glad that you managed to get through your period without any mishaps even though you came darn close to losing your cool.

 

"I HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU A PUZZLE THIS MORNING."

 

"Shoot one at me, Pappy."

 

He brandishes a soapy ladle dramatically, splashing you a little. "I HAVE AN EYE BUT CANNOT SEE. I'M FASTER THAN ANY HUMAN BUT HAVE NO LIMBS. WHAT AM I?"

 

So whatever it is, it's blind... It moves fast though. Some sort of monster? Faster than a human? A cheetah? Cheetahs have more than one eye though. They can also see. It's probably some sort of monster you've never seen before. Go with that.

 

"A monster?" You need to look up to make eye contact with Papyrus. You're surprised that you've only seen him hit his head on a doorframe once so far. He shook it off like he's used to it too.

 

"NOPE." He cracks a victorious grin. "A HURRICANE."

 

"Dang." Why didn't you think of that? "What do I have to do?"

 

He beams triumphantly and points right at you. "LET ME BUY YOU A DRESS."

 

"Th-that's not a punishment!" You stammer, caught off guard and feeling a little attacked and vulnerable to have a giant cackling skeleton pointing at you.

 

 

\--

 

 

This dress is definitely a punishment.

 

"Papyrus, do I have to wear this?" Leaning against the car window probably distorted your speech a little.

 

He's focusing on the road as he drives home, "NOT REALLY. I JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT YOU'D LOOK LIKE IN A CUT LIKE THAT."

 

"I'm not sure it suits me." The dress is comfortable but it probably draws more attention than you're comfortable attracting.

 

"SO DON'T WEAR IT."

 

You feel guilty. "It was expensive."

 

"SAVE IT FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION. OR DON'T. MAYBE YOU CAN PUT IT ON NEXT TIME YOU'RE FEELING BAD. THAT ALWAYS CHEERS ME UP."

 

"Sounds like a good idea..."

 

"THINK OF IS AS A SORT OF BATTLE BODY. HAVE I EVER SHOWN YOU MY BATTLE BODY?"

 

"No you haven't! Is it a nice suit?"

 

"NOPE!! IT'S PAPER MÂCHÉ BATTLE ARMOUR COSTUME I WORE FOR MONTHS."

 

"Wh-what? Really?" Papyrus is always so well-dressed that you have a hard time picturing him in paper mâché armour.

 

"I DON'T HAVE IT ANYMORE. WORE IT SO SHREDS," he chuckles. "I DO HAVE SOME NICE PHOTOS THOUGH. REMIND ME TO SHOW YOU."

 

"Nice."

 

The dress is packaged in a nice garment bag. He had to choose a high-end store, didn't he? Part of you feels like a princess when you wear it but it's so... fancy. You can't even think of an occasion to wear it but Papyrus was loud and insistent. You're not quite _embarrassed_ by Papyrus so much as you were overly weary of other patrons' side-eyes and hard, judgemental stares in the boutique as he roared with enthusiastic laughter and coaxing praise. You can only imagine what a change of pace it must have been for the employees as well as the clientele. Come to think of it, you're usually the one getting stared at instead of him when you go grocery shopping with him. People are rarely seen out in public with monsters. The store clerks didn't seem to understand why a seven foot tall skeleton was screaming at a human and using her as his own personal dress-up doll earlier today. Nevertheless, you emerged with a flattering and high quality dress that you would have probably never bought on your own. Papyrus said he'd even tailor it for you. It hit you that that's shy his clothes always fit him so well-- he must tailor everything himself. It would be too expensive otherwise. Then again, considering how much he just spent on a dress for you, you wonder if it even matters.

 

"Hey Pappy, may I ask where all the money you guys seem to have came from?"

 

"WHAT MONEY? WE DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY. SPENT IT ALL ON THE CONDO AND THE CAR."

 

"What about food? Utilities, consumables? Condo fees? Insurance?"

 

"OH?? THAT STUFF?? SANS TAKES CARE OF THAT."

 

"Disposable income to buy your roommate's clothing and other various outdoor equipment?"

 

"OH! THAT COMES OUT OF THE MONEY WE GET FROM YOU."

 

"What did you do before me?"

 

"RENTED THE ROOM TO SOMEONE ELSE."

 

"And when it was vacant?"

 

"FREELANCE." He shrugs. "I PAINT. I MAKE PUZZLES. I SEW. WHATEVER."He's so nonchalant about it like money is the least important thing in the world to him. You suppose it wouldn't matter if you're not scraping by.

 

You don't want to pry too much but you are pretty curious. "So how'd you manage to land such a swanky condo in the heart of downtown anyway? And the car? It's a pretty nice car."

 

"THE CAR WAS USED," he dismisses. "NEEDED QUITE SOME WORK, ACTUALLY. AS FOR THE CONDO... IT'S PRETTY SMALL FOR THE PRICE, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT. PROBABLY BECAUSE OF THE INNER-CITY LOCATION. SANS SOLD A BUNCH OF LAB EQUIPMENT TO A UNIVERSITY FOR THE MONEY. APPARENTLY IT WASALL JUST LYING IN THE BASEMENT GATHERING DUST FOR YEARS!!"

 

Oh. That explains how they managed to take care of that. You certainly would never be able to afford a condo in that area in your current job. Funny that just half a year ago you were living so far and in such a different place in your own life.

 

"You never went down there?"

 

"NOPE. IT WAS LOCKED AND I KNOW SANS LIKES HIS OWN SPACE." He pauses for a moment in contemplation. "AND IT WAS PROBABLY A STY IN THERE. NYEH HEH HEH."

 

"Pft. Who knows? Does he keep his room messy?" You have never really seen the inside of Sans' room beyond a quick glimpse. Funny that he'll allow random strangers in there but you've never even seen the place.

 

"LET'S JUST SAY I HAVE A KEY AND I DON'T EVER WANT TO USE IT UNLESS COMPLETELY NECESSARY."

 

 

\--

 

 

It's rare that you hang out on the patio but you were in the mood seeing as it's a beautiful summer day outside. A book in one hand, a drink in the other, and you're out for a nice late afternoon read. The patio's amazing. Two long lawn chairs and a planter. The chairs are positioned in such a way that allow you to see up past the people living above you in the building but over the railing and into the street if you were to sit at the foot of them. You slide the door open and step outside. Hm. It smells lovely out here. Like incense or something.

 

Oh.

 

"Hey Sans, what're you doing out here?"

 

"it's nice out. you?" He's sitting on the edge of one of the lawn chairs and staring off into the distance with a blissful expression and holding the source of that scent. You never pegged him as a smoker. How does that even work if he doesn't have lungs? Also, what smells that nice?

 

"Same. What's that you're smoking?"

 

"this?" He's grinning. "eh. monster stuff."

 

"Some kind of drug?"

 

"you can put it that way. somewhere halfway between medicine and incense. humans burn things for medicine anyway."

 

"You sick?"

 

"naw. it's more like drinking a cup of tea. sedative properties." You wonder what implications that might have. Is he more stressed than usual about something? Are you overthinking it? You wonder if what happened between the two of a couple of weeks ago had any contribution to that if so. The two of you haven't really talked about it since. You were both a little caught in the moment.

 

"Does it work on humans?" You take a seat at the edge of of the lawn chair next to his and lean onto the balcony railing as he is.

 

"dunno. want some?"

 

"Naw. Never had monster medicine. I might die or something."

 

"eh. you've eaten tori's cooking. and that grocery store cake. same with papyrus' stuff. that's all made with magic."

 

"Is it addictive?"

 

"pft. no? just try it." He extends his hand and you hesitantly take it. "buncha plants aren't gonna kill you. i'm not doing hard drugs, kiddo," he chortles.

 

"If this poisons me and I start bad tripping I'm going to kill you." Some plants will indeed poison humans.

 

You give it a try. It burns your lungs and you cough awkwardly. Sans is barely paying attention as he looks up at the clouds blissfully.

 

"you doin' alright there?" He sticks an arm out to give your back a gentle circular rub.

 

"Yeah," you wheeze. Let's try that again.

 

Okay, that's much better. A few minutes in and you're feeling a warm sensation flood your entire body like a tide inundating you in serenity and peace. You don't feel high. There's no buzz; just calmness. Your eyes droop as you lean into Sans and watch the clouds together, listening to birds sing and city traffic. Maybe you shouldn't have finished the whole thing. You're falling asleep. Then again, it was nonverbally offered when Sans pulled out another for himself.

 

"This is nice, Sans. Thanks for sharing."

 

"heh. no problem, kiddo. seems to have hit you pretty hard, huh?"

 

"Mhm."

 

You glance over to the one still in Sans' hand and sit, mesmerized by the smoke as it ascends in large, billowy swirls, coating your clothes, your skin, your hair, your lungs in passing. It fills you with that sweet scent reminiscent almost of lavender, chamomile, and something you can't quite put your finger on. Persimmon? No, it's woodier. Who cares? Who cares about anything? Every college student in the world should know about this stuff.

 

At least half an hour goes by in which the two of you managed to migrate to the railing of the patio, leaning onto it as you survey the traffic below. How are you not bored? Why does it even matter? You don't have a care in the world. It's just you and your cool monster buddy people-watching. He's falling asleep and you wouldn't be surprised if you immediately follow suit. Watching someone walk their dog, you feel Sans' hand absentmindedly combing your hair with his fingers. You don't quite know what to make of his gesture. His hand tangles itself into it until it becomes more than an absentminded gesture and more of a preoccupation. He shifts over and his other hand rises and he tries to braid it when you don't object. You should have objected. He shouldn't be touching your hair. He doesn't know how to touch it, he's messing it up. He seems to have good intentions but you're kind of uncomfortable now.

 

"Sans, stop touching my hair."

 

"aw what?" He sounds legitimately disappointed. "why?"

 

"Too intimate, my dude."

 

"so get intimate. whatever. we've been living together for a while now. we're buds." He actually seems offended.

 

"You wouldn't want me all up in your ribs or something. I don't go around giving you random massages without asking first."

 

"heh. 's not like that wouldn't be welcome." He's gone back to leaning over the railing lazily, looking at the traffic as you untangle the mess he made in an attempt to groom you. You're sure that he wouldn't invite you to do something like that without having smoked at least two dog treats. He's definitely made it clear that it makes him uncomfortable when you do that in the past. You suppose you can test the waters and see if he really meant that.

 

A surprised squeak escapes him when you scoot over to his chair and playfully reach up his shirt and run your hands up his ribcage. "Hmm? What was that? I can explore your body now?" You lift his shirt, inspecting his short, stocky form. He isn't that much less wide than Papyrus despite being short. His clothes make him look much larger than he actually is considering how thick the fabrics he chooses are and how oversized he purchases them.

 

"well-- i mean--" His voice isn't normally that high-pitched. This will be fun.

 

"Hm. Let's count these ribs then, shall we? ...One." You rake your fingers across his topmost pair of ribs, "Two..." Keeping your touch light doesn't bother him. Too bad he isn't ticklish like Papyrus. Move your fingers down to the next pair and stroke outward from the spine after giving it a gentle prodding rub. "Three. Four..."

 

He breathes deeply and relaxed a little, seeming to enjoy your exploratory touch as he continues watching the city.

 

"Five... Six..." What if you apply more pressure? "Seven." He groans and you can see his spine arching the lower you get on his ribcage. "Hmm, you like that, Sansy?"

 

He closes his eye sockets and groans with a low rumble, melting under your touch and purring more erotically than his regular purr. You can feel the vibration of his bones rattling in contentment.

 

"Eight." Rub. Rub. "Niiiine." Rub.

 

Another groan. He's squirming now. It feels like a bit of a treat to watch his spine curve like this; a rare case of closer intimacy invited by your skeleton roommate.

 

You lean over to whisper in his ear hole as you rub lower, "Sansy Sans, is this inappropriate? You're making raaather lewd noises." Pinch pinch. Rub rub.

 

"nnn wha-at're you talkin' abou--"

 

"OH MY GOODNESS!! REALLY?" Papyrus seems to have been on his way to the planter. He stands, appalled, by the door; hands on his hips and a sour expression on his face. "SANS, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE NASTY WITH ALL THE MONSTERS YOU BRING HOME FROM GRILLBY'S YOU COULD AT LEAST SPARE OUR _HUMAN ROOMMATE_ FROM YOUR SHENANIGANS, REALLY," he scoffs.

 

Yup, you had a feeling.

 

"Sans." Your tone is accusatory as you pinch the rib you were on, wishing he would squeal. At least he has the decency to straighten himself and pull the back of his shirt down.

 

"A MONSTER AND A HUMAN CANOODLING OUTSIDE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. I RESPECT YOUR LIFESTYLE CHOICES BUT CAN YOU AT LEAST DO IT WHERE NOBODY WILL SEE AND POTENTIALLY TRY TO MURDER YOU? DO YOU HAVE _ANY_ IDEA OF THE KINDS OF THINGS I SEE ON THE JOB? GET _INSIDE_." Utmost urgency in that tone right there. It's rushed and even a little soft for Papyrus. Alright. _Alright_.

 

"we're not doin' anything anymore." Sans gives you a light pat on the head as he resumes looking up at the fluffy cloud formations as though nothing just happened. "you don't have to be so _cirrus_ about it."

 

"IT'S INCREDIBLY SERIOUS AND THOSE ARE NIMBUS CLOUDS."

 

"i know bro. wanna chill?" He pulls another dog treat from his pocket and extends his arm, offering. He's in the further seat so Papyrus has to reach over you to snatch it since you've returned to your spot.

 

"I MIGHT NEED FIVE AFTER SEEING THAT." His voice sounds oddly exhausted.

 

"guess you're in a terrible _stratus_ then." Sans tosses him the lighter. He grabs a seat behind you since you're seated at the foot of the chair. A femur on each side of you and soon an arm around your waist as Papyrus smokes his dog treat and gradually unwinds.

 

"YOUR CLOUD PUNS ARE _HAZY,_ SANS!! NYEH HEH!!"

 

"heh. good one, bro."

 

Papyrus' phalanges absentmindedly knead your somach as the three of you look at the clouds in silence. Their eyes tend to dilate in their happiness whenever they're looking at something particularly majestic or sublime that wouldn't be available to someone trapped under a rock for thousands of years. The sky usually does it for them.

 

You motion to a porky cloud. "You know, that one kind of looks like a pig."

 

"huh. kinda..."

 

"That one looks like a bird. See the wings?"

 

"huh. i think i see it."

 

"That one's a snake."

 

"more like a stretch. i'd say a scarf. or a ribbon."

 

Papyrus gently pinches your side. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? IS IT FORTUNE-TELLING?" He really has to bend down to get his face that close to your ear.

 

"It's just fun. Picture it as being a kind of... natural puzzle."

 

"I SEE."

 

"whaddaya see, bro?"

 

"HMM." You tilt your head to look up and see him squinting at the clouds in deep concentration. "THAT ONE!!"

 

"Oh? What do you see?"

 

"A CLOUD. OBVIOUSLY. I AM VERY GOOD AT THIS."

 

You snort as he lights another dog treat and oblige when he offers you some. How are you managing to stay awake? Papyrus is practically holding you to prevent you from collapsing.

 

"You know what we should do? We should get some cushions and blankets and cozy up instead of sitting on these chairs."

 

"WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WASH THEM."

 

"so? seems worth it to me." Sans looks pretty intent now. Nice. Your ally in laziness.

 

"FINE. YOU TWO HAVE TO CLEAN THEM THOUGH. I WON'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE."

 

"Deal."

 

Papyrus fetches the goods as you and Sans lazily lean the chairs upright and slide them out of the way. A few blankets and cushions down and the three of you are in business for some proper cloud watching.

 

"balcony above us is kind of annoying."

 

"AT LEAST IT DOESN'T COMPLETELY BLOCK THE VIEW."

 

"Yeah, this is fine."

 

"THE AIR SMELLS SO GOOD."

 

"It smells like city smog."

 

"and summer."

 

"I guess."

 

"THE TREES SMELL GOOD."

 

You hum lightly.

 

"and someone's burnin' something. smells crisp."

 

"SMELLS LIKE TOMATO VINES."

 

"citrus fruits."

 

"OOH I LIKE THE SMELL OF CITRUS FRUITS, AND COFFEE. IT'S EASY TO COME BY ON THE SURFACE."

 

"The smell of the ground after it rains," you offer.

 

"naw it always smelled like that underground."

 

"YEAH. AND MOULD."

 

"musky and damp."

 

"THE SOIL SCENT WAS ALRIGHT."

 

"waterfall pond algae smell was pretty decent."

 

"I WANT TO SMELL THE OCEAN."

 

"We should go."

 

"REALLY??" Papyrus' bones are rattling adorably loudly, almost masking the sound of Sans' completely.

 

"i suppose we can all take a road trip," Sans muses, obviously trying to play it cool despite his obvious excitement.

 

"I WANT TO FLY IN A PLANE SOMEDAY!!"

 

"tough luck there, huh bro?"

 

"What's up? Afraid of heights?"

 

"MONSTERS AREN'T ALLOWED ON COMMERCIAL FLIGHTS."

 

"Really?"

 

"WELL I MEAN SOME OF US ARE ON FIRE."

 

"tends to scare humans a bit."

 

"I suppose it would. You can always save up and hire a private pilot. Maybe fly around in a Cessna or something."

 

"WE CAN DO THAT??"

 

"Not sure. Maybe."

 

Sans passes Papyrus another dog treat. He looks up to the clouds as he smokes it with a blissful expression, sharing it with you as you're in close proximity.

 

That just about does it for you.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nap Kingdom


	17. spaN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Papyrus sleeps?

 

 

You wake up with a sore hip from sleeping on the barely cushioned concrete and a sore arm where Papyrus is lying on you. Your two roommates are snoring away, providing meagre isolation from the cool evening air. Trying to wiggle free is futile-- Papyrus' grip on you tightens possessively when you move. You're dehydrated and you have to pee. Try prodding Papyrus until he wakes up, gets off, or both. Poke. Poke. Scratch. Shove.

 

Maybe if you try tickling him. Gently run your finger up his humerus, barely applying pressure.

 

He moans and buries his face into your neck.

 

"Papyrus, wake up. For real."

 

Tickle that bone.

 

His jaw loosens in a sleepy whine. Um. That might be a dangerous place for your neck to be considering he might jerk awake and snap his jaw shut if you keep tickling him. Um. Actually, this might be a little too intimate. Pull your neck away. Safety first, right? Maybe if you wiggle more aggressively. Nope, his grip's tightening, pressing you into his ribs as his mouth takes in a bit of your neck. Skeletons really do sleep like the dead. You've never seen Papyrus asleep before. Something about the combination of his warm breath on your bare skin and the soft purr emanating from him feels strangely comforting. Intimate. You feel safe. Nobody can see this, right? You're hidden from this angle, right? Ugh. His teeth are on you. He's not quite chewing but he's certainly bitten slightly.

 

"Papyrus," you whine, helpless and trapped.

 

Sans stirs.

 

"Sans?"

 

"hm?"

 

"A little help?"

 

"huh?" he looks over groggily and raises his brows. "ah. heh. he's really got you there, huh?"

 

"Can you help me out?"

 

"dunno, it's kinda cute. lookit you, skeleton whisperer," he teases.

 

"Very funny."

 

"what if i--" He climbs over the two of you and shimmies behind you, sandwiching you between himself and Papyrus.

 

"Sans, seriously? I have to go to the bathroom."

 

"you said that last time and used it as an excuse to ditch and hide in your room."

 

"Perceptive but I'm serious this time."

 

"huh, shame..." He pulls out his phone as his phalanges run through your hair, angling your head perfectly to capture as much of Papyrus' mouth on your neck as possible.

 

"Sans, don't you dare!!"

 

He does something to the back of your head as leans in close. What is that? Weird magic? It tickles. You can't deal with this right now. He winks as he snaps the photo. Ugh, it looks so lewd.

 

"Delete it!" You squawk so loudly the Papyrus finally stirs. The people all the way down on the street probably heard you.

 

"aw c'mon, it's just for my own personal collection," he coaxes, freeing you from his sleeping brother's grasp.

 

"Saaaans! Please!"

 

"i really like that tone of yours," he purrs.

 

"Seriously!"

 

"fine. fine. since you asked so _desperately_." He pulls his phone out as you scramble to the bathroom. What is it with skeletons not understanding basic human needs? Do they not know that you can literally pee yourself?

 

You finish washing your hands and feel your phone buzz.

 

"Dammit Sans!"

 

He's texted you the image with a bunch of cute filters on it. You can hear him laughing at your reaction as you storm back to the balcony. Papyrus has woken up and is rubbing his face sleepily.

 

"Delete it!"

 

"i did."

 

"Delete the copies you made."

 

"all of 'em?"

 

"What do you mean 'all' of them? How many did you make?"

 

"WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?" Papyrus has picked up his phone and is now frantically looking back and forth from you to the screen, his face glowing so brightly you'd think he was a novelty lamp. "OH MY GOODNESS!!" That gaping jaw says everything.

 

"Sans! You didn't!"

 

"he's in the photo too." He shrugs, grinning mischievously.

 

"You're the actual worst! Delete it!"

 

"SANS THIS IS SO LEWD!! HOW COULD YOU ALLOW THIS??"

 

"didn't know you had it in you, bro."

 

"LOOK AT HER EXPRESSION!!" Goodness, it really does look scandalous.

 

He looks up at you frantically, visibly sweating.

 

"I. ERM. I'M SORRY!! I'M VERY SORRY!!"

 

"she looks like she's havin' a good time, doesn't she, bro?"

 

"Please delete those!! Both of you!"

 

"D-DO I... HAVE TO?"

 

"Papyrus!"

 

"I MEAN. OF COURSE. WHY WOULD I KEEP SOMETHING SO LEWD ON MY PHONE?? OR AT ALL?? I CERTAINLY HAVE HIGHER STANDARDS THAN THAT!!" Papyrus normally uses a stylus on his phone due to his preference for wearing gloves and you can see it visibly shaking as it hovers above the screen. "I AM. ABOUT. TO DO. IT. RIGHT NOW."

 

"Sans, I'm really mad!"

 

"no you're not."

 

"I am!"

 

"you're smiling."

 

"Only because Papyrus is being cute!"

 

"I'M NOT CUTE!! I'M COOL!! I'M THE VERY COOL POLICE SKELETON ABOUT TO DELETE THIS L-LEWD IMAGE FROM MY PHONE."

 

"You stuttered," you point out.

 

"NOOO!!!" He's so indignant.

 

Sans is snickering as he marvels in the chaos he's created.

 

"Sans, you're not helping! Fix this."

 

"here, gimme your phone, bro."

 

"NO??" Papyrus suddenly looks up like a deer in the headlights, all pretence momentarily abandoned. "NO WAY??"

 

"Papyrus, are you going to keep that, for real?"

 

"NO. I'M NOT."

 

"Just delete it then."

 

He starts frantically tapping the stylus on the screen.

 

"Wh-what are you doing?"

 

"NOTHING!!"

 

"Papyrus! Seriously! Don't back it up!"

 

"I DON'T-- I'M NOT-- I--" He jumps up when you lunge for it. "NO!! WAIT-- I-- CUT IT OUT!!"

 

You're absolutely determined to delete that photo. "Papyrus, _please!_ " Your voice is shrill with anxiety.

 

"GIVE ME A MOMENT TO-- _NOOOO!!_ " In a jump to evade your swipe, he's flung his phone off the balcony. The three of you watch as it falls several storeys and shatters on the concrete of the street below.

 

A heavy silence momentarily fills the air. The atmosphere heavy.

 

"SANS. SEND ME THAT PICTURE." His tone is flat as he stared oddly into the distance.

 

"it's already in your email inbox, bro." Also flat. Sans looks like he really would have rather not have to deal with Papyrus' phone getting shattered.

 

"You're both the worst." Somehow, despite being furious with them, you can't help but also have a slightly flat tone-- somewhat torn between guilt for Papyrus' phone breaking and perhaps almost killing a pedestrian, resignation that these two both probably have copies of that lewd photo.

 

"nobody's gonna see it."

 

"Sans, I'm incredibly pissed off right now. Really disrespectful."

 

He hands you his phone. "look, i deleted my copy. i'm sorry."

 

Strange that he would hand you his device and openly invite you to rifle through his personal images. Although you're incredibly curious, you stop at the camera roll, satisfied to see that the last few images are not of you. Sans has an expression of sincere apology on his face. He seems to understand that he took his joke a little far, which is... somewhat relieving. Despite that, the three of you stare down at the street in your heavy silence, basking in the absurdity of what just happened while still somehow appreciating the thick humid heat and orange-tinted buildings of this evening's sunset. You should probably get inside and make dinner. Whose turn was it tonight? Does it even matter? You and Papyrus end up cooking together on most days when his training shifts aren't at night anyway. Sans always orders in when it's his turn. Why are you so preoccupied right now? Maybe you're just trying to block out what just happened.

 

"WELL!! I WAS LOOKING TO BUY A NEW MODEL ANYWAY!! NO HARM DONE. NOBODY GOT HURT. I REALLY SHOULD GO AND PICK UP THE PIECES. NOBODY LIKES A LITTERBUG."

 

"yeah..."

 

"Yeah..."

 

"YEAH..."

 

You sigh and start picking up the blankets the three of you laid down for your nap on the balcony as soon as he grabs a bag and heads downstairs. Surprisingly, Sans bends down to pick up the pillows. Odd for him to help without being asked.

 

"sorry."

 

"I already forgave you."

 

"i'm gonna have to buy papyrus another phone."

 

"That's my fault. I lunged for it."

 

"naw, it's alright. you know, that's one way to _drop a call_ i haven't seen in a while."

 

"Sans."

 

"heh. i mean what? we could try a warranty claim. they'll probably _call us out_ though. _phone-_ y claims ain't getting us anywhere, amirite?"

 

"Oh my goodness."

 

"there we go. you're smiling again." He pokes your cheek affectionately and you huff.

 

"I'm still mad."

 

"and i'm still sorry." The poke turns into an affectionate pinch.

 

"Stop pinching my face." You swat him away. "What do you want for supper? I think Papyrus is going to want to make something exciting after that nap."

 

"you know me; i'll eat anything." He shrugs.

 

"Surely you have a preference."

 

"my favourite food is free and something i didn't have to make."

 

"You're no fun. You order burgers from Grillby's every time. You must like them."

 

"well they're not my _favourite_ food per se..." He seems pensive for a moment.

 

"You just order it for the sake of ordering it?"

 

"i guess i like the tomatoes," he ponders aloud.

 

"Tomatoes then." You walk up to the planter and pick an acceptable-looking tomato. "Salad?"

 

"sure." He cracks a grin.

 

The two of you make your way inside. You get started on a salad before Papyrus gets back in with a phone in several pieces.

 

"Sorry I freaked out, Papyrus."

 

"NONO. IT'S ALRIGHT," he dismisses with a wave of his hand. "YOU WERE STRESSED." He sets the bag of debris aside and takes his gloves off. He really does have enormous hands. Seeing them is a bit of a treat as he usually even wears gloves for cooking. The leather makes for better traction when you don't have any skin of your own, you suppose. Maybe that's why Sans loses his grip more easily.

 

"I'm still upset that your phone got broken."

 

"THERE'S NO PROBLEM ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT THEY'RE EXPENSIVE. IT'S JUST A PHONE." He shrugs. "HUMANS ARE SO ATTACHED TO THEIR PHONES. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE ATTACHMENT. BACK EVERYTHING UP AND YOU'RE FINE. "

 

"Everything including that picture, hm?"

 

"IT'S AS COMPROMISING FOR US AS IT IS FOR YOU, YOU KNOW."

 

"So?"

 

"WELL..." There's that signature skeleton sweat. It looks almost slimy when they sweat. Weird. "I MEAN. IT'S CUTE AND I LOOK COOL IN IT." His voice is oddly rapid. "MY TEETH PULLED THE SKIN OF YOUR NECK BACK EVER SO SLIGHTLY AND THE EFFECT WAS BARELY NOTICEABLE AND--" He stops himself, flustered.

 

"It's pretty cute to see you lose your cool, Pappy," you tease.

 

"I AM ABSOLUTELY COOL RIGHT NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT," he evades.

 

You don't want to argue about it.

 

Finish making food. Eat food. Retire for the evening. Lie in bed and pull out your phone. Huh, his teeth are pulling your skin back a little. Wow, your expression really is embarrassing levels of lewd. Stupid Sans ticking you. Bet he did it on purpose. You vaguely wonder how much pressure Papyrus would apply with those teeth if he were awake. How fun would it be to see him react to those tickles while conscious? Fuck, he's so much bigger than you, he could probably crush if he wanted to. That's kind of hot.

 

Please don't think about that.

 

Whoops, too late.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Delete the photo?


	18. BARrage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You go to a bar.  
> Things get a little overwhelming.

You should have probably knocked when you entered Papyrus' room because he squeaks and shoots up from his position crouched over his desk, looking caught off guard.

"WHOOO. SORRY." He takes in a deep breath, straightening himself. "YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE SEEN A GHOST!"

To be fair, his jump startled the heck out of you too. Mutual spook. "So do you! Sorry about that," you laugh. "I don't think seeing a ghost would phase me after living with two skeletons to be honest."

"WHAT?? NONSENSE. GHOSTS ARE SPOOKY!!"

"Skeletons aren't?"

"ARE YOU SCARED OF US??"

"Of course not."

"EXACTLY. WE'RE WARM AND CUDDLY CALCIUM COMPANIONS!! NOTHING TERRIFYING HERE!!" Hands on his hips and closing the gap between you.

"You guys are uncomfortably hard, to be fair." You give his forearm a prod to emphasize the hardness and he has to suppress a ticked squeal. It's so cute when he flinches like that.

"UNCOMFORTABLE??" He takes his glove off and then takes your hand into his, pressing what would be his palm against yours. He lifts his arms until your forearm is flush with his; a little weird seeing as his radius and ulna are crossed when his hand is at this angle. "NONSENSE. SEE? SKIN ON BONE AND ZERO COMPLAINTS." At least he's making the contact point without pushing those boundaries.

"When we took that nap you were definitely on par with the concrete balcony," you joke, squeezing his hand a little to emphasize the contrast in texture. You could slide your fingers all the way down to his carpals if you wanted to.

"NOPE. WRONG." He swiftly rotates his hand so as to be holding your fingers between his index and thumb. "AND I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T EVEN QUESTION THE EXISTENCE OF GHOSTS. I'M QUITE PROUD OF YOU." Haha, oh no, this is too cute, he's spinning you like a dancer as his bones rattle with contentment. "SOON," he emphasizes, ending the spin, "YOU'LL BE AN EXPERT MONSTER MINGLER." Another spin and you're giggling as he purrs. "YOU'LL BE VISITING ESTABLISHMENTS ON YOUR OWN AND EVERYTHING."

"It's not like ghosts are that hard to believe in after having lived with skeletons and seen slimes and such." You flop into a sitting position on his bed. It's so comfy. What a waste.

"WELL MOST HUMANS DIDN'T BELIEVE IN GHOSTS OR MAGIC UNTIL RECENTLY ANYWAY. THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT ONCE THEY WERE PROVEN TO EXIST, HUMANS DIDN'T NEED TO BELIEVE. THEY COULD GO ON ACCEPTING IT AS FACT!!"

"More or less. What's your point?" You muse, kicking your feet a little.

"WHAT'S LEFT TO BELIEVE IN NOW BUT YOURSELF??" He flexes his arm and slaps the top of his humerus where a bicep would be in a motivational pose.

"Oooh, ever-motivational Papyrus." You strike a pose with him and the two of you erupt into giggles. "So what've you got on your phone there that's such a secret, anyway?" It's not hard to put two and two together when he jumped that suspiciously.

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??"

"There, on the desk. You--"

Before you can finish your sentence, he snatches his new phone and bolts past you, almost bowling you over as he flees the apartment cackling.

Oh-kay.

 

\--

 

"Visiting establishments," huh?

Maybe it's about time you do visit a monster restaurant or bar on your own. Sans isn't home this evening and Papyrus is on a night training shift so might as well do some exploring instead of staying home alone potato-ing. What if you went down to that place you always order food from? It'd be nice to see it in person. Get the address and directions online and... oh, it's within walking distance and in a safe neighbourhood. Why not hoof it?

Grillby's.

Something about the exterior warms your soul and everything about the interior warms your everything. Holy hell, the air is so thick that it's almost difficult to breathe. The dim lighting makes it hard to get a good look around. It makes for rather private and intimate dinner if you dine in a booth. Why haven't you thought to come here with the guys? Oh wait, Papyrus hates this place. Nabbing a seat at the bar, you do feel a faint layer of grease on the wood. Interesting considering monsters haven't been on the surface for too long. Maybe the owners don't care-- Oh.

There's an intimidatingly well-dressed bartender who just so happens to be on fire looking at you expectantly from behind his glasses. Um.

"Hi?"

"..." He stares at you, crackling.

"..." You have no idea what he wants so you stare at him blankly, feeling kind of stupid. Is there some sort of monster restaurant or bar etiquette you're not aware of? Are you supposed to start with a puzzle or a riddle. Wait, don't just assume that all monsters like puzzles.

"..." He's still staring at you. Great, now you feel like an idiot.

"May I have some water to start, please?"

"..."

He motions to the wall behind him. Um. Well. Those bottles all seem to contain some pretty strong stuff. The proofs are a little small to read from here but for some reason you suspect that everything on those shelves will burn rather than put out a fire. Probably a safety precaution.

"Surprise me then!"

He brings it to you and looks at you expectantly.

"How much?"

"..." Awkward silence. Will he melt your credit card if you start a tab? The glass he gave you feels hot to the touch.

Um.

"I can just um--"

He cuts you off with a humble-looking wave of his hand and motions for you to drink.

Fine.

You manage a weak, "thank you," and take a sip. It's strong and burns you all the way down until you can feel your body temperature rising and face getting particularly hot. Oh wow, is this some sort of monster alcohol? Of course it would be. Um. Oh dear, you're feeling a little lightheaded almost immediately. You need some food.

"Thank you, it's really nice. Can I please order some food?"

He looks at you skeptically before you blurt out your usual order.

You're not sure how you can make out an expression in his face but you definitely notice the flames soften after bursting slightly. Was that a moment of realization? Did he recognize your order? It had never occurred to you that maybe you have weird tastes by monster standards. Stop that nervous behaviour. Get it together. It's just a bar. With food. And booze. And monsters. Some of which are on fire.

The monster you assume to be Grillby makes his way to the back and you take another look at your surroundings. Two monsters duck for cover when you make eye contact. Okay, that's a little rude. They must have been staring the whole time. Your eyes scan a booth and see the back of two rabbit ears. Oh man, that's too cute. Bunny monsters? Yes please. Bet it's adorable. Okay, that's enough. Finish your drink.

It's sweltering in here. You can feel your shirt sticking to you as your body drips with sweat. The food comes out and it's far too hot to eat right away. Dab your forehead with a napkin as you wait. It kind of does feel too greasy in here, come to think of it. The atmosphere is thick and you feel gross. At least it smells good-- like one of those mom and pop pizzerias? A family restaurant? A mother's kitchen? You expected a heavy booze smell but the food is definitely dominant. Ugh, this tastes so much better fresh off the grill.

It's that bunny. Rabbit? It's staggering to the restroom. Wow, that sure is some level of intoxication you didn't expect. You continue eating and keep your eyes on her when she staggers back to her booth and... catch a glimpse of something familiar? Peer over and notice that Sans has been here the whole time. He looks like he's had enough to drink but you should go and say hi-- oh whoops never mind that. Rabbit's hungry for some skeleton. Okay. Huh. That's the alcohol making your face hot, right? That's none of your business and the place is so busy that he might not have even noticed you being here. Maybe you can finish and get out. Here comes the barkeeper.

"Excuse me?"

He stops in his tracks looking at your empty plate with what you can assume is a pleased expression. You might be wrong, who knows?

He just stares at you.

"Um, I'm not entirely familiar with monster dining etiquette but I'm finished and I think I should probably get going."

"..."

Ugh, this is really uncomfortable. Why is he just watching you?

He signs something to a fish monster who looks at you nervously.

"Ey human lady. Grillbz says ta have a nice evening."

"Oh. Um. How do I pay?"

Grillby signs to the monster.

"You don't."

"I'm confused."

"First meal's always on the house. Builds communities. Helps those in need." An acidic undertone in that final sentence. You know many humans can be selfish so you take that with a grain of salt.

You turn to Grillby. "I've eaten your food before though. Ordered in."

He shrugs and turns around. Would it be offensive to tip? They don't tip in some countries. You turn to ask and the monster who was helping you is gone. Okay. Shit. Well, you should probably get out then. Go out of your way to put some distance between yourself and Sans' booth while sneaking another peek. Yup. Lewd. Okay. Cool. Bye.

 

\--

 

You're not quite staggering drunk but you definitely should go home. A group of tall, nasty-looking thugs seems to be following you closely. Ugh. Fantastic. You've never run into trouble here before.

Fuck it, call the cops.

You pull out your cell phone only to hear a malicious-sounding call from behind.

"Hey! You!"

"Huh? Pardon?"

Oh great.

One of the taller women in the group leers at you. The guy next to her hasn't stopped walking

It's late. You shouldn't have tried to walk home alone-- should have called a cab. The neighbourhood is normally safe though! You've walked down here countless times alone at night. It's homey and friendly. There's never been any danger. Ever.

"You a shapeshifter?"

"Excuse me?"

"Never seen a human come out of that hole in the wall. You guys posing as us now?" Her voice goes shrill with fear at the end.

"What? No. I just wanted to see what it was like in there. Why's it matter to you?"

"It's lying."

"What the fuck? You need photos or something?" You brandish your phone at them willing to do almost anything to get them to leave you alone.

"Wouldn't mind, actually." One of the taller guys snatches your phone from you.

Your heart sinks.

That photo from the balcony incident is still on there.

"What's the passcode?"

"Wait, I'll do it."

"Nope."

"I'm not letting you see my nudes, my dude." That's something more likely to be on your phone, right?

"Ooh now I'm interested," purrs one of the girls.

"Wait. Come on. Let me just--" You reach for the phone and get shoved into the concrete wall of the building next to you. Ow, shit, you've definitely scraped some skin.

"Don't fucking touch it." The thug's tone is commanding as he keeps the phone from you.

"Ew, it's bleeding red," gawks another at your wound. "Do all monsters bleed red?"

"I'm a fucking human, you idiots!"

An onlooker screams from a window.

"Hey! You kids! Break it up down there before I call the cops, will ya?!"

So much for this being a safe neighbourhood.

They seize up and beat it the second they realize there are witnesses.

Aaaaand there goes your phone.

 

\--

 

You make your way to the kitchen for breakfast the next morning, grateful for the empty house. You're sore and wouldn't have gone for a jog with Papyrus if you were home. A nice morning alone and Sans eventually joins you for some cuddling and movies. You catch him eyeing your scrape and a couple of bruises but he doesn't say anything. Phew, you were wondering if it might have been a better idea to keep them hidden.

Until Papyrus gets home. And his reaction is immediate. Dammit.

"WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO YOU??" It would have been a phenomenal idea to keep your injuries hidden.

"Umm. Well. I was out last night and I went to Grillby's because I was curious."

"heh, what?" Sans suddenly sounds almost nervous. You decide to not mention seeing him.

Papyrus clicks his tongue.

"Don't worry, it was delicious. He was really nice to me too," you assure him. "So when I came out, there was this group of people that seemed pretty upset about me eating there. They uh, thought I was a monster or something and didn't like the fact that I looked like a human."

"OH, SURELY YOU MUST HAVE CLARIFIED THE SITUATION."

"Well, I tried but they followed me for a while and didn't like me pulling out my phone to call the cops."

"AND?"

"They jumped me."

"PLEASE TELL ME YOU CALLED THE POLICE." Papyrus sounds like an odd cross between livid and exasperated.

"Well, I mean, I tried until they took my phone."

You catch a glimpse of Sans and can't tell exactly what kind of silent rage he's feeling but you're definitely feeling magic crackling in the air from both his and Papyrus' directions.

"AND YOU WENT TO THE STATION IMMEDIATELY, I'M ASSUMING."

"Well no, I was tired and hurt and home was closer so--"

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME??" Papyrus snarls, having now pulled you up off the couch so he can lift your sleeve to see the scrapes covering your arm.

"bro, chill for a sec. i haven't seen you half this angry since they got conveyors at the monster grocery checkout." There's definitely a very different look of concern on Sans' face as he eyes your scabs for a second time today.

"CONVEYORS ARE AWFUL AND SHOULD NEVER BE USED AND I WILL NOT 'CHILL' WHEN OUR ROOMMATE HAS BEEN ASSAULTED." He turns back to you. "WHY THE HECK DIDN'T YOU REPORT THE CRIME?? OH MY GOODNESS!!" He pulls your shirt off and tosses it onto the coffee table for a more thorough examination.

"Papyrus, I'm fine. It's alright."

"YOU WERE ASSAULTED-- AND MUGGED!! THEY TOOK YOUR PHONE!! I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE WE DON'T SEEM TO HAVE TERRIBLE PHONE LUCK IN THIS HOUSEHOLD BUT YOU WERE!! ASSAULTED!! LOOK AT THIS." At least he's taken his gloves off to examine your skin. The warm bone feels oddly pleasant on your skin.

"I mean-- It's not um--" Great, now you're overwhelmed. Maybe you should have reported it. Now Papyrus is mad on top of everything.

"NO, WAIT, WHY ARE YOU CRYING??"

"I um-- I'm sorry, I--" Great, now you have hiccups.

"NO!!! STOP BEING SAD AND CUTE!!!"

Sans steps in, gently prying Papyrus off your arm.

"alright bro, she's overwhelmed. give her a moment, will ya?" He grabs your shirt from the coffee table and sits you back on the couch before placing it on your lap and sitting next to you. His phalanges move to the nape of your neck and you feel a gentle rubbing as he tries to soothe you. "shh. let it out, kiddo. it's alright. you're alright."

A teary nod as you clutch the shirt to your chest and sink backward into the couch.

"I'M SORRY. IT'S MY FAULT YOU'RE CRYING!! I DIDN'T MEAN TO--"

"It's alright, Pappy."

"NO IT'S NOT ALRIGHT!! I MADE YOU CRY!!"

"I'm sorry," you sniff.

"NO!! IT'S MY FAULT!! WHY THE HECK ARE YOU APOLOGIZING??"

"I'm sorry I didn't report it."

"OH." His voice falls flat for a moment. "WELL YEAH, YOU SHOULD BE." He recovers the urgency in his voice, "BUT DON'T BE SAD NOW!!"

"I'm not sad. I'm just upset."

He groans helplessly, not quite knowing what to do and giving you an awkward pat.

You burst into laughter cut short by another hiccup.

"that's too precious, you know that?" You look over to see Sans' face darken slightly as he tries to suppress laughter with a big stupid grin.

"IT REALLY IS CUTE. NYEH HEH HEH HEH."

Wipe your face. "You guys are so weird."

Welp, and now you're being lifted into a hug by an enormous cackling seven foot tall skeleton. He's practically draping you over his shoulder as though he were carrying a toddler. You wrap your legs around him after realizing that he's not putting you down until you stop crying, wincing when the iliac crests of his pelvis dig into your thighs. Wow, that's quite painful.

It's nice to have Papyrus rubbing your back and trying to soothe you but you realize that you must look like an idiot clinging half-naked and crying onto a skeleton. The bumps of Papyrus' ribs are easily felt through his shirt and they feel almost pleasant though his arm under your thighs kind of hurts. It's probably a matter of how much pressure you apply.

Take a deep breath.

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT NOW?" Papyrus gently rubs the nape of your neck. Is that a skeleton thing or something?

"Yeah."

"want me to order some food?"

"Yeah."

"DO YOU FORGIVE ME FOR MAKING YOU CRY?" You can feel the one arm he has wrapped around you tightening in a stronger hug.

"Yeah."

"WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PUT YOU DOWN?"

"No."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He didn't mean to make you cry :(


	19. Flexible Sleep Schedule

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Papyrus, you look ridiculous. And shirtless.

 

 

You walk in on Papyrus in the most absurd position. He's resting in some kind of weird splay-legged handstand. Aaaand he's wearing nothing but short shorts. Don't stare. Don't stare.

 

Okay, maybe stare a little.

 

He sure does have erm... excellent bone structure. Yup. Your roommate sure is a fine specimen of skeletal erm, oh gosh, stop that now.

 

"Papyrus, what the heck kind of yoga are you doing?"

 

"WHAT? THIS ISN'T YOGA. I'M PRACTISING MY WALKOVER FORM. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TEACH YOU?" He slowly curls his body _over his head_ and pops into a standing position.

 

"Um. No thanks. I don't have the core strength or flexibility; let alone the ability to do the splits like that."

 

"YET." He curls his body over and stands up, facing you.

 

"Nuh-uh."

 

"IT'S ACTUALLY MUCH EASIER THAN IT LOOKS. WOULD YOU LIKE A DEMONSTRATION?"

 

"Umm. Sure? I mean if you want to show me how you do it."

 

He jumps on the spot excitedly and turns to the side.

 

"WELL!! IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE SIMPLE!! YOU CAN BREAK IT DOWN INTO A SIMPLE KICK," he kicks his leg out, "LUNGE," okay, pretty straightforward, "AND TEE." He pauses, pivoting on one leg with his arms outstretched above his head and his back leg extended upward and behind him. Simple golfer's dip for picking something up. How does he just... hold that so effortlessly? "YOU MOVE INTO A HANDSTAND--"

 

"Yeah, I can't do the splits like that." He's just!! Sitting like that!! With his legs split in mid-air!! Again!! Is it easier for skeletons?! Does not having obstructing flesh or extra weight make it easier?

 

"YET. IT'S NOT THAT HARD IF YOU PRACTICE."

 

"You're still standing like that!!"

 

"IT'S NOT HARD! LOOK. THEN YOU FINISH WITH A BRIDGE. IDEALLY YOU WOULD WANT SOME MOMENTUM TO HELP YOU STAND UP IN THE END. I CAN DO IT WITHOUT BECAUSE I'M LIGHT AND HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR MANY YEARS." He brings a leg over and onto the floor before bringing the other over in an arc. "TA-DAA!! IT'S INCREDIBLY STRAIGHTFORWARD." 

 

"Nope."

 

"OF COURSE IT IS. AFTER A WHILE YOU CAN DO IT WITH ONE HAND." He does a one-handed demonstration and you gasp. "I KNOW. I KNOW. I'M TRULY ALWAYS WORTHY OF GASPS. YOU DID NOT, HOWEVER, EVEN SEE ME DO IT WITHOUT HANDS."

 

He just. Flips his legs over his head and keeps walking like nothing happened.

 

"Dude, are you _kidding_ me?"

 

"I PROMISE YOU CAN DO IT IF YOU PRACTICE. THIS ISN'T EVEN FANCY!! WOULD YOU LIKE TO PRACTICE A HANDSTAND?? I CAN SPOT YOU."

 

"You're going to catch my legs?"

 

"OF COURSE!! WARM UP WITH SOME ARM ROLLS WHILE I DEMONSTRATE THE CORRECT FORM." You stick your arms out and start rolling them. "YOU WON'T NEED TO SPOT ME BECAUSE I CAN STOP MYSELF FROM GOING TOO FAR. NYEH HEH HEH!!"

 

He does a quick demonstration. He's looking at you from that upside-down position expecting some kind of revelation he isn't going to see on your face.

 

"GOOD?"

 

"Good!"

 

"EXCELLENT."

 

He makes you stretch your shoulders and wrists, lamenting over human fragility. Way to take forever before getting to the good part, dude. The warmup was an entire workout. Well, you suppose it's better than hurting yourself.

 

"ALRIGHT!! GET READY."

 

You try and he catches your legs. Your calves make light contact with his ribs.

 

"THAT WAS A PRETTY DECENT START!! UMM... TRY GOING INTO IT MORE SLOWLY." He lets you down and you ready yourself.

 

"Okay, slowly." You kick off and roll from the tee position not unlike in his other demo; and slowly roll into his arms.

 

"BETTER-- NO, NO!! DON'T LOOK AT ME, LOOK TO THE GOUND. YOUR BALANCE WILL BE MUCH BETTER."

 

"Looking to the ground!!"

 

"NOW POINT YOUR TOES. IT'S MUCH EASIER TO BALANCE WITH YOUR TOES POINTED."

 

You stretch your feet out, pointing your toes and feel a mild strain in your butt and calves. Whoo, that sure is a lot of blood rushing to your head.

 

"MUCH BETTER. TRY AGAIN." He sounds so sincerely excited as he lets you down again. "GO INTO IT AS SLOWLY AS YOU CAN AND SEE IF YOU CAN STOP YOURSELF."

 

"Okay." You definitely did not manage to stop yourself and are grateful for Papyrus being there to catch you.

 

"FLEX THOSE ABS!! TRY TO HOLD YOUR LEGS UP."

 

"Okay!"

 

"I'M GOING TO LET GO."

 

"No--! Wait--!"

 

Whoops, too late!

 

Hold it!

 

Hold it!

 

 

_Hold it!!_

 

 

"I can't hold it--!"

 

Papyrus grabs your legs again and steadies you. "DON'T WORRY, I'VE GOT YOU."

 

"Can you let me down now?"

 

"OKIE DOKIE." He lowers your legs. "THAT REALLY WASN'T SO BAD."

 

"So," you huff, "how long 'til I can do the walkover thingy?"

 

"BASED ON YOUR HANDSTAND I'D SAY... HMM..." He starts to visibly sweat.

 

"That bad, huh?"

 

"TIME DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY!!" He looks like a weird cross between frustrated and determined. "WE'LL WORK ON IT!! I WON'T GIVE UP!!"

 

 

\--

 

 

A nice evening of relaxation after you've practised hitting a skeleton with your legs over and over. Your future as an acrobat is looking bleak. You're not as spry as you were when you were younger, you suppose. It's interesting that, no matter how limber one is at their peak, they can always deteriorate without practise.

 

Come to think of it, your usual partner in evening media consumption always finds creative ways to drape himself over you. Flexibility must be a skeleton thing. They don't really have anything obstructing their bone movement.

 

"Sans, can you do acrobatics?" Give his skull a gentle prod.

 

He bursts into laughter so hard that he doubles over. "oh my gosh, no?? in what world would you ever think i'd do acrobatics?" Oh goodness, you broke him. He's crying.

 

"Papyrus wants to teach me."

 

"oh man, i mean," he needs to stop and gasp for air, "skeletons are naturally flexible but why in the world would i put that many hours into," he pauses to wipe a tear, "anything, really?"

 

"But, putting hours into form aside, you technically can do some pretty acrobatic maneuvering if you wanted to, right? You seem pretty light on your feet."

 

He winks.

 

"it's a secret."

 

He snuggles into you as he tends to do in the evenings. And seems to be falling asleep.

 

"You okay there?"

 

"mhm. d'ya ever file that police report?"

 

"Papyrus walked me to the station and made me," you gripe.

 

"d'they find your phone?"

 

"Nope. I had to buy a new one." You pull it out and show him.

 

"looks the same," he mumbles.

 

"You really like sleeping on me, huh?"

 

"i can hear your stomach gurgle. monsters have a heartbeat they don't to the gurgly thing." He grabs a handful of your skin and begins to purr.

 

"Humans don't the the purr thing so I guess we're even then."

 

The purring stops and you can feel him tense up.

 

"What?"

 

"nothing."

 

"Why'd you stop?"

 

"i didn't mean to start."

 

"Can you control it?"

 

"n-not extensively."

 

"So you'll only purr when your comfy? Except when you do that other deeper purr."

 

The coil that is Sans tighten and he pulls a throw pillow over his head. "stop it."

 

"What, you can make out with thirsty rabbits in a greasy public space but can't take someone commenting on your bodily functions."

 

"nooo. stop it."

 

"Sansy Sans, how old are you?"

 

"older than you."

 

"Aha, but you treat a public space like you're 16. Who's the bunny?"

 

"dunno. i've been with 'em a couple of times."

 

"Oooh, a regular."

 

"can we not have this conversation?"

 

"You're pretty contrary, my dude."

 

"you're antagonizing me." He palms the underside of your chin, pushing you to redirect your gaze.

 

"I'll stop if you start purring again."

 

He grumbles.

 

"Still no purring."

 

He clicks his tongue when you pull the throw pillow away. Shifting your attention to the screen seems to put him at ease and he does finally start purring after the right amount of scratching.

 

"There we go--" Oh, aaaand he's stopped again. "Aw, come on."

 

He grumbles. Fine. Give him some time.

 

Another half hour into your movie and he's fallen asleep on you. Some absentminded scratches and he's purring again, kneading you slightly as he mumbles incoherently. Maybe you can sleep here tonight.

 

 

\--

 

 

Morning. You find yourself under a skeleton and a thick blanket. How did you manage to maintain your positions? Who knows? Sans nuzzles a bit of exposed skin in his sleep. Maybe you should try to drift off again.

 

You wake up an hour later with an extra blanket added for the lack of body heat.

 

You've chosen a nice place to live.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Walkover tutorial!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4sY00Dm5hI%20)


	20. Snowed In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is now way he's allowing you to go outside.

 

 

It seems like just yesterday that you were lazing about on a balcony in the summer heat but you look outside and it's positively miserable out there. You have so many errands to run today and you'd rather not but putting it off is the worst idea considering the forecast. It's supposed to snow. A lot.

 

"WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU GOING?" Papyrus' arms are crossed. Busted.

 

"I have to run some errands."

 

"ARE YOU INSANE? THERE'S A BLIZZARD OUTSIDE."

 

"It's not even that bad."

 

"LET ME REITERATE. YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I LIVED IN A SNOWY AREA FOR YEARS AND IT WAS NEVER AS BAD AS THE NICE WEATHER HUMAN SAID IT WAS GOING TO GET."

 

"I'll be in and out," you reassure.

 

"I WON'T ALLOW IT." He gives you a Rubik's cube and ushers you to the living room. "FINISH MY PUZZLES AND YOU MAY GO."

 

Luckily, you foresaw this kind of puzzle eventually popping up and prepared yourself by studying the algorithm. It doesn't take someone who know how very long to solve it. He looks at you, sweating slightly.

 

"WELL, SOLVE THIS THEN!!" He hands you a rather spiky metallic twist puzzle and sits cross-legged in the middle of the living room floor.

 

"Really?" You get up off the couch and sit in front of him, mimicking his cross-legged position.

 

"SEPARATE THE PIECES AND YOU MAY LEAVE." He smugly crosses his arms.

 

It takes you a solid hour. You could just walk away and leave him but somehow you think it'll break his heart so you've stripped your winter coat and here you are. The groceries are not completely urgent and you might as well spend some time with your roommate. Papyrus stares at you intently, sweat beading on his skull and bones rattling in anticipation as you struggle with the metal pieces, trying not to nick yourself.

 

Aha!

 

"There!" You pull them apart, pleased with your own work. "I did it. Now I'm leaving." You get up off the living room floor and he stands up quickly, grabbing your wrist.

 

"N-NO!! WAIT!!"

 

"What? I solved it."

 

He looks at you with the most stern expression.

 

"WELL, I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD HAVE TO COME TO THIS BUT I SUPPOSE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO KEEP YOU HOME FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. I CANNOT ALLOW YOU TO GO OUT IN THIS WEATHER."

 

"Papyrus, what are you even--" You stopand watch in awe as he holds out a 3000-piece jigsaw puzzle and tips the box dramatically so as to let the pieces cascade to the ground. Where did he even pull that from?! "Papyrus, no!"

 

"PAPYRUS, YES!"

 

"It's--"

 

"YOU MOVE IN WITH MONSTERS. YOU DO PUZZLES. THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD."

 

"Can you at least do it with me?"

 

Y-YOU REALLY WANT ME TO??" His eyes light up at the invitation to work on his own puzzle with you.

 

"Sure. It's better than just sitting there watching me. I suppose that's pretty boring."

 

"OF COURSE IT ISN'T!! THE SUSPENSE KILLS ME EVERY TIME!!"

 

You laugh. "Alright, let's get to work then." The idea of getting groceries today seems rather implausible at this point. You move the pieces to the coffee table so as to not destroy your back.

 

Working on the puzzle with Papyrus for hours on end is actually pretty soothing. You didn't think that you'd enjoy spending a day like this working on a jigsaw puzzle when there are much more fun and productive things you could be doing but here you are, enjoying yourself.

 

Papyrus gets some snacks and juice a few hours in but catches you off guard when sits back down. He positions himself flush with your back and crosses his legs around you, resting his chin on your head.

 

"Feeling cuddly, are we?"

 

"I FELT THE SUDDEN URGE TO SIT LIKE THIS. THE IMAGE IS FACING THIS WAY ANYWAY."

 

"Generally you want to ask people before getting up into their personal bubbles like that by the way."

 

"REALLY?" It sounds like a matter-of-fact statement than a question for some reason. He reaches around you and picks up a puzzle piece.

 

"Really." You look up at him and see him smiling in earnest, fully concentrated on the puzzle. You dismiss his invasion of your space and pace a hand on his patella as you resume the puzzle pieces.

 

He flinches at some point and starts laughing.

 

"What?"

 

"YOU'RE TICKLING ME!!" He's laughing pretty hard.

 

"Oh?" You suppose you were absentmindedly rubbing your thumb on his leg. "Whoops, sorry."

 

He wraps an arm around you. "PLEASE DO NOT TICKLE THE SKELETON."

 

"Fine. Fine. Sorry," you chuckle. "I didn't mean to."

 

The two of you continue to work on the puzzle until Sans gets home. The furry bits of his hood are caked with snow.

 

"SANS?? I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN YOUR ROOM THIS WHOLE TIME!!"

 

"Yeah! What gives?! I though you were just sleeping all day."

 

"whuh? why? i didn't even come home last night?" He shrugs his coat off and looks at the two of you properly. "hey uh, what's up with you two?" There's some definite colour rising on his face.

 

"What--? Ooh." You'd wiggle out if that were possible but you have skeleton legs crossed over yours and an arm securing you right up against Papyrus. Huh, yeah, you suppose this must look pretty intimate. "I don't know. We were doing a puzzle."

 

"SANS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US??" You look up to see how excited Papyrus looks at Sans. His bones are rattling in anticipation.

 

Sans looks at Papyrus and then quickly glances at you before looking back at his brother. "um, yeah, i suppose so..."

 

Your position's probably making him uncomfortable. You need some sort of excuse... Ah.

 

"Alright, I'll just make a quick stop to the bathroom and I'll be right back." You tap Papyrus' arm so he can let you up.

 

"OH RIGHT. ALRIGHTY."

 

You grab some snacks on your way back and make sure to snatch a throw pillow to hand to Sans as you sit back down, next to Papyrus this time.

 

"NO, COME BACK HERE. YOU'RE LIKE A SOFT BLANKET." Aw, he's actually sad. It's kind of adorable.

 

"Naw, that's enough for me." Truly you didn't even mind it but you're pretty sure it was making Sans way too uncomfortable. "Here, Sans." You toss him the throw pillow.

 

"thanks, kiddo."

 

The three of you spend the rest of the afternoon working at the puzzle though Sans leans onto Papyrus and falls asleep a couple of hours in. Papyrus has to readjust his position so as to sit around Sans the way he had you since Sans came dangerously close to toppling over once or twice.

 

"You think we should put him to bed, Pappy?"

 

"OH NO, IT WILL ONLY ENCOURAGE HIM. HE'S NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS PUZZLE."

 

You look down at the puzzle. With hours of work and the three of you, it's not even over a third of the way to completion.

 

"What happens if we don't finish it?"

 

"YOU KEEP WORKING UNTIL IT'S FINISHED."

 

"I need to sleep."

 

"SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK."

 

"No, really."

 

"I'M JUST JOKING, NYEH HEH HEH. WE'LL TAKE OUR TIME WITH IT. SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT TOMORROW WILL BE AN INDOOR DAY AS WELL." He motions to the window so you get up and look down into the street. Wow. That sure is one of the worse blizzards you've seen in your life. Look back at the coffee table where you're working on the puzzle and the tray of mugs filled with steamy hot chocolate. You can order in if there's nothing to eat. Or you can heat up some leftovers. It's not like the power's gone out or anything. In fact, this is heavenly. Sans' soft snoring and happy purrs fill the room and the TV's on some music channel, playing at a low volume in the background. Yeah, this is the best.

 

Take a bathroom break, grab some more snack and snuggle up against your roommates in the warm living room. Sans eventually wakes up and begins absentmindedly helping again.

 

"Would you like me to make some coffee, Sans?"

 

"dunno, i stopped drinking for good the other day."

 

"Really? That's out of character," you comment.

 

"yeah, it was getting old so now i only drink for evil."

 

"SANS."

 

"what, bro. though you'd notice since you've always _bean_ around in the morning."

 

"SANS YOU ARE GOING TO..." Papyrus ponders for a moment. " _MOCHA_ ME MAD."

 

"heheh. nice one. glad you're able to _espresso_ your feelings."

 

"OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH!"

 

"Aw, come on Pappy," you offer, "Sans is just _tea_ _-_ -sing you."

 

"heh. nice one kiddo. too bad it's not as _brew_ -tiful as a coffee pun." Sans nudges your knee and gives you a wink.

 

"YOU'RE BOTH _GROUND-_ ED."

 

Okay, that was spectacular.

 

The three of you work well into the night, making terrible puns at one another until Papyrus can't take it anymore. You all decide to break off and resume in the morning. You're looking forward to another lazy day minus Papyrus' promise that the two of you will start of with an intense living room workout to compensate for the jog.

 

It was probably a solid idea that you doubled back to drag the coffee table with what you've managed to complete out of the way so as to prevent it from getting knocked over during your morning Papyrus time tomorrow.

 

You're going to sleep well tonight.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone interested, we've started a Villainous fic as a side-project! You can find it [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11522271/chapters/25861893)!


	21. BUBBLEBATH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THERE IS NOTHING SEXUAL ABOUT BATTLING RUBBER DUCKS!!

 

 

 

"RIDDLE TIME!!" Oh boy, Papyrus is looking pretty smug.

 

"Alright then! What are the stakes?"

 

"IF YOU SOLVE IT, I LET YOU LIVE! NYEH HEH HEH!" He stops himself real quick. "JUST KIDDING THOUGH!! IF YOU SOLVE IT YOU CAN HAVE A PUZZLE A DAY FOR THE NEXT WEEK!! I KNOW, I KNOW, QUITE A BLESSING. I'M FEELING VERY GENEROUS TODAY!!"

 

" _Oh, an entire week of daily hurdles. What a blessing._ " As much as you love Papyrus and his puzzles, he sometimes springs them on you at the most inconvenient times-- like when you're leaving for work.

 

He smirks. "WHEN ARE 1500 PLUS 20 AND 1600 MINUS 40 THE SAME THING?" He's beaming with excitement at this one.

 

You ponder for much longer than you should.

 

"TIME'S TICKING." He points to a nonexistent watch on his wrist.

 

"Hang on, hang on! Let me think, aaah." The pressure's on and you can't remember the answer you might have heard before at some point. Crap. Crap.

 

"WELL?" His bones are rattling. He knows you don't know.

 

"Gah! I don't know! I give up."

 

"IN MILITARY TIME!! THEY ACTUALLY BOTH REFER TO 3:20 PM."

 

"Oooh... Hey, that's not fair! I'm not in police academy!"

 

"NYEH HEH HEH! VICTORY FOR PAPYRUS. YOU HAVE BEEN THOROUGHLY JAPED."

 

"Fine. Fine. You japed me. I have been thoroughly defeated."

 

"DON'T WORRY, MY POOR HUMAN ROOMMATE, YOU WILL SOMEDAY ACHIEVE GREATNESS TO RIVAL MONSTERS'. HOPEFULLY. IF YOU'RE LUCKY." The way he's hugging you and stroking your hair feels mildly condescending.

 

"Alright, alright. What's my punishment?" You push him away.

 

"YOU HAVE TO TAKE A BATH WITH ME." He's standing with his hands on his hips looking quite proud.

 

"Excuse me? I don't think so. I think we need to have a little talk about boundaries and what you can reasonably ask people."

 

"WHAT'S SO UNREASONABLE ABOUT PLAYING IN BUBBLES TOGETHER?" He looks legitimately confused.

 

"Oh goodness. Um. Well. To begin with, you don't just get naked with strangers."

 

"WHAT? WHY NOT? ALSO, WE'RE NOT STRANGERS? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!!"

 

"Because it's too intimate. I'm not sitting naked in a bathtub with my roommate. It's weird. We are friends, by the way. You're a great friend. It's just... not something people do?"

 

"WHAT IF YOU WEAR A BATHING SUIT?"

 

"Papyrus."

 

He looks completely betrayed. Oh crap, did you just break the skeleton?

 

"Listen, Paps, I'll do it in a bathing suit. You just need to... I don't know, not ask people to do odd sexual things like that."

 

"THERE IS NOTHING SEXUAL ABOUT BATTLING RUBBER DUCKS," he scoffs, looking completely indignant. "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU??"

 

"Okay. Okay. _Fine_." Maybe he is too pure for this world.

 

 

\--

 

 

" _Papyrus!!_ What the heck?!" You shield your eyes.

 

"WHAT?"

 

"I thought we were wearing bathing suits!" You didn't even bother to close the bathroom door since you _thought_ there would be no need for privacy.

 

"I SAID YOU CAN WEAR A BATHING SUIT."

 

"What about you?! I can see your _tailbone_!"

 

"I'M QUITE COMFORTABLE LIKE THIS. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY."

 

" _I'm_ uncomfortable!"

 

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME IN SHORT SHORTS. YOU CAN SEE RIGHT DOWN THERE ANYWAY."

 

"This is too much." He's buck naked and you didn't ask for any of this.

 

He turns around and arches his back slightly so as to show you his backside.

 

"REALLY, THERE IS NOTHING SEXUAL ABOUT MY SACRUM AND PELVIS IF I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO RUB THEM."

 

You squawk.

 

" _REALLY?_ AND I DON'T SEE WHY HUMANS HIDE THEIR BREASTS EITHER. THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING SEXUAL ABOUT MAMMARY GLANDS. ALL MAMMALS HAVE THEM!! I THOUGHT THEY WERE TO FEED BABY HUMANS?? WHY ARE THEY SUCH A SECRET? MORESO, WHY DO MALE HUMANS NOT HIDE THEIR CHESTS? I'VE NOT ONLY SEEN BUT ALSO FELT YOUR BREASTS BUT YOU'RE STILL WEARING A SMALL PIECE OF FABRIC OVER THEM LIKE THEY'RE SOME BIG SECRET. I DON'T GET IT AT ALL."

 

"I really can't tell if you're messing with me so as to get me to take my top off."

 

"DO WHAT YOU WANT," he shrugs, filling the bath. "WHAT KIND OF BUBBLE BATH DO YOU WANT? WE HAVE STRAWBERRY, GOAT MILK, VANILLA, AND OCEAN MIST. THOUGH I DON'T THINK THIS IS QUITE WHAT THE OCEAN SMELLS LIKE. MAYBE I SHOULD WORK FOR THIS COMPANY. THEY COMPLETELY FAILED TO CAPTURE THE FISH AND SEAWEED SMELL. QUITE DISAPPOINTING. I MEAN, I HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO THE OCEAN BUT I WOULD IMAGINE IT NOT QUITE SMELLING LIKE THIS BLUE LIQUID, AT THE VERY LEAST."

 

"Umm..." You pick a scent and he goes to town with it until there's an almost cartoonish amount of bubbles.

 

He gets in and his bones click against the tub. It's kind of nice. You shed your top and join him, facing him and prepare to battle rubber ducks to the death. He has a point. Why wear a bathing suit top in the bath when he's seen and felt your boobs anyway? He's not even that interested in them.

 

All in all, you didn't think it would be so tiring but why did it even surprise you that it was? Almost anything you do with Papyrus is exhausting. After being positively silly with rubber ducks until the water got cold and the bath needed emptying and topping off with hot water, you shift your position and lean your back right onto him, not caring anymore.

 

"Look, ooh, my guard is down," you joke, looking up at him.

 

Papyrus, however, looks uncharacteristically lost in thought.

 

"What's up, Pappy?"

 

"THINKING ABOUT PUZZLES."

 

"Oh? Coming up with more riddles?"

 

"MAYBE!!" He looks almost determined. It's strange to you that monsters can't feel actual determination but Papyrus probably comes pretty darn close.

 

"Oooh, I have one for you!"

 

"YOU DO??"

 

"What's harder to catch the faster you run?"

 

He raises a brow.

 

"And I know this is true for monsters too."

 

"UMM?? WAIT, I SHOULD... KNOW... THIS..."

 

"Give up?"

 

"NOOO??"

 

"Hmmm?"

 

"IT'S...!! UM...!!"

 

You roll over and raise yourself to his face, pressing yourself against his chest. The feeling of your breasts against his ribcage is actually quite pleasant. Give him a gentle kiss on the cheek before whispering, "your breath," into his ear hole.

 

You giggle as his face lights up like a Christmas tree. Looks like you're doing the japing today after all.

 

"I KNEW THAT!! I DID!!"

 

His back arches as you drag your fingers up his ribs and lower your head to his shoulder. The water ripples as his bones rattle and you can't tell if that's water or sweat on his face.

 

"What's up, Pappy?"

 

"N-NOTHING!! NOTHING AT ALL?? YUP. I AM ABSOLUTELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT COOL AND COLLECTED RIGHT NOW."

 

"Really?" You purr, tone skeptical. You turn your head when you hear some weird cross between a squeak and a gasp.

 

You turn around to catch Sans walking away looking thoroughly embarrassed. The bathroom door slams shut seemingly of its own accord and you can only assume that was some kind of magic.

 

Haha, oops. You should probably get out now anyway.

 

"Don't worry, Papyrus. I'm just playing," you chuckle, sliding down into the water.

 

"NYEH HEH."

 

 

 


	22. Towel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freezing rain.

 

"I'm going to the store, you want something?" It's just you and Sans tonight so, naturally, you're both going to be as lazy as possible. That said, needing food to survive is a thing.

 

"which store?"

 

"That monster grocery we go to with Papyrus."

 

"it's late. it's gonna close."

 

"Well I'll have to hurry."

 

"can you _not_ go into the monster neighbourhood alone at night?" It's not a dangerous neighbourhood but you did get mugged by that group of humans last time you went there alone at night so you suppose he's justified.

 

"Come with me then," you whine. You're not in the mood to cook inner tonight and you need food for tomorrow anyway; you might as well get that done now.

 

Annoyed grumbling from Sans.

 

"Come on."

 

"fine but you owe me."

 

It's a short walking distance. Most of the monsters kind of moved close to one another in the city. The rent prices began plummeting seeing no humans really wanted monster neighbours. Some people stayed and you're kind of glad. The closer you get to the cusp, the more mixed the crowd, which explains the mixed population of your apartment building. There's something about the monster neighbourhood that actually makes you feel safer and more comfortable than other neighbourhoods. Something about the way monsters conduct themselves is more polite and considerate overall. Then again, maybe you're stereotyping.

 

You and Sans make your way through the aisles of the store on your little grocery run. Papyrus will be pleased when he gets back from his camping trip with Undyne and comes home to a full fridge. Give yourself a pat on the back. Pick up some of that pink gooey stuff from the prepared foods section. You still don't know what it's called but the texture's similar to a silken tofu but... better. It melts in your mouth in a way that no human food does and you love it. Sans chuckles when he sees your enthusiasm. You'd think the novelty of buying monster food would have worn off the way any specialty supermarket's selection would but there's something about the way monster food goes down. Most of the ingredients are a little weird but otherwise normal plant... things? They're big on alternative protein and mollusks and it's all stuff a normal human would be able to buy and prepare. It's just something about the actual prepared dishes that's particularly appealing. Papyrus' spaghetti has a weird aftertaste that you can't quite mimic. This pink stuff too. It's probably the magic. Monster food never spoils. They could probably end world hunger if they wanted to. Probably.

 

It starts to rain a cold, nasty, bone chilling downpour as you're carrying the groceries home. It looked like it was going to but you came out anyway and this is what you get. Oh well. It's funny seeing Sans pick up the pace when you start to whine a little. A hurried Sans seems a little out of character to be honest. He already needs to walk a little quickly to keep up with you and Papyrus because of how short he is but now he's actually _hurrying_ , which looks plain wrong.

 

"You okay, Sans? We don't have to rush."

 

The rain's spattering on his skull and dripping down. You reach over and pull his hood over his head as he seems a little preoccupied trying not to drop his grocery bags. It's hard for you to not knock him over with the bag in your hand as you do it.

 

"thanks kiddo. we're almost home though."

 

"You sure?"

 

"fuhgeddaboutit. we're gonna be home in a sec."

 

Truthfully, the freezing rain is chilling you, causing your skin to prickle. Your pants are saturated and the lobby of your apartment building feels like sweet salvation when you finally get home. The air is thick and damp when you get into the elevator.

 

"you okay, kiddo?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"your teeth're chattering."

 

"I'm fine."

 

"don't think you're bein' _tooth_ ful with me."

 

"Okay, I'm freezing."

 

"not too n- _ice_ to lie to a buddy, buddy."

 

"Sorry."

 

"coulda leant you my sweater, you know."

 

_Ding_. The elevator doors open and you make your way to the apartment.

 

"I'm fine. I just need a hot shower or something."

 

"you're soaked to the _bone_ and you want to get more wet?"

 

"The hot water'll warm me up."

 

"can i start without you?"

 

"Go ahead. I might take a while."

 

 

\--

 

 

You don't even want to eat anymore when you emerge from the shower. You kind of just... flop onto your mattress and sit around in your towel for half an hour, watching something on your computer. What a difference.

 

Knock knock.

 

"Who's there, Sans?"

 

"dogs go."

 

"Dogs go, who."

 

"pft. no? dogs go woof."

 

"Or bark, borf, heck, boof, you know, et cetera."

 

He cracks the door open and you catch his eyes lingering on the edge of your towel. "you okay?"

 

"Yeah, just a little lightheaded."

 

He lets himself in and brings some food to your nightstand. "it's probably cold by now."

 

You tap the side of your bed, inviting him to have a seat. "Wanna watch this with me?"

 

"i guess it's better than sleeping."

 

The two of you watch in silence for a while, putting on a new episode when it's done. The food lay untouched. You don't even remember falling asleep.

 

 

\--

 

 

What you will not so easily forget is waking up with a towel having slipped off you and a skeleton having slipped on you. Sans's face is nestled into your neck and your hair still feels damp.

 

Ugh, whatever. It's not like he hasn't touched your boobs and watched you take a bath with his bro for an unknown amount of time.

 

This is... actually nice. No having to worry about morning exercise with Papyrus out camping with Undyne. You hope the rain didn't make them suffer too much. Heck, Undyne's a literal fish monster; she probably loved it.

 

Sans stirs after about an hour of you trying to go back to sleep. Phalanges grip a handful of your flesh and he groans before tensing up in panic, realizing the predicament he's in. You wrap an arm around him.

 

"I know you were watching me and Papyrus the other day," you mumble.

 

"heh--" It's awkward. He's been caught. "y-you don't say."

 

"Mhm," you purr, pressing him further into your skin. The stark contrast of the flesh and bone isn't all too unpleasant if you balance the pressure points. "Now why would that be?"

 

"curious."

 

You hum groggily. "What're you so curious about?"

 

"papyrus really likes you. 's not normal for a skeleton to be interested in that way."

 

"You say that like you haven't brought a new monster home like twice a week since I've moved in."

 

"hey, i have some repeats."

 

"Oh, really?"

 

"i didn't mean to fall asleep here, honestly."

 

"Complaining?"

 

"n-not necessarily." Oooh, that was a nice rumble before he caught himself.

 

"So you're clearly into me and in my bed. I'm naked and, despite this wonderful convenience, your hands aren't on me." Take a moment to rub him playfully. "But you didn't mind watching me take a bath with your bro. You're sending me mixed signals, skeleton man."

 

"not going there." He slides off the bed and gives you a nonchalant wave as he exits.

 

Part of you feels a little hurt that someone so loose is being so prudish with you. Part of you kind of understands.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bros before hoes.


	23. Think a-HEAD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or trousers depending on your region.

 

 

Papyrus gets home late, still in uniform. Sound the alarm! Cute skeleton in uniform alert! Sans, who's been snuggling you, sits up to greet him when he starts looming over the two of you.

 

"WHERE ARE MY HUGS?"

 

"Hi, Pappy."

 

Ohh, that's a more enthusiastic hug than usual. He saunters off for his usual shower and change after work so you and Sans bury yourselves into the cushions.

 

"you wanna watch more of this?"

 

"I'm kind of into it."

 

Sans, being as easygoing as he is, would rather go to sleep with his head on your lap than argue about watching something else when disinterested. It's fine. Papyrus eventually joins you with some reheated food and the three of you sit on the couch for a while.

 

"I HAVE TO GET A NEW PAIR UNIFORM PANTS TOMORROW. WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME WITH ME?"

 

"Oh? I didn't notice anything wrong with them."

 

"THERE'S AN ENORMOUS BLOODSTAIN ON THE LEFT PANT LEG."

 

"Papyrus, what the fuck?"

 

"I KNOW. I TRY TO KEEP THEM CLEAN TOO."

 

"all in _vein_ , huh?"

 

"SANS, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SLEEPING."

 

"nope. enjoying the squishy." Sans gropes a handful of your thigh and looks like he's about to fall asleep again. This is probably what true bliss looks like to a skeleton.

 

"Okay but are we going to gloss over the fact that you came home covered in blood?" You didn't even notice because the fabric's so dark.

 

"WHAT. IT'S A DIRTY JOB."

 

"What the hell happened?"

 

"SOMEONE GOT STABBED AND WE ARRIVED BEFORE EMS."

 

"Um."

 

"THEY WERE FLAILING ABOUT AND I GOT BLOOD ON MY PANTS. DON'T WORRY, THAY'RE ALRIGHT. NOTHING VITAL. I'VE SEEN WORSE. I ONCE HAD TO PIN A GUY TO A WALL AND BEAT HIM WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS LIFE SO HE WOULDN'T MURDER THE PERSON TRAINING ME."

 

"didn't you do that to frisk when you met 'em?" Sans is snickering.

 

"WELL YES BUT--"

 

"Wait, you beat the shit out a child?"

 

"IT'S OKAY. I THREW THEM IN MY GARAGE WITH SOME FOOD AND A DOGGY BED TO GET BETTER. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"

 

"Ummm!! That's really brutal, dude!"

 

"IT WAS A HEATED GARAGE. WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A CAR. IT WAS PLENTY SPACIOUS," he defends.

 

"frisk got out anyway. papyrus made the cage bars too far apart to keep 'em in."

 

"Sans, you're not helping. Papyrus, there are already enough problems with police brutality, dude."

 

"YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO USE ONE LEVEL OF FORCE HIGHER THAN THE DANGER PRESENTED. I'M RESPECTFUL OF THAT."

 

Sans starts snoring.

 

"Should we... put him to bed?"

 

"SANS!!" Papyrus shakes him and he stirs, grumbling.

 

"i'm up. i'm up."

 

"Go to bed, silly."

 

"nnnn. you're so warm though." He grips your thigh almost painfully as he nuzzles you.

 

"I'll scratch your skull," you threaten.

 

"please."

 

He looks like he's in heaven, purring as you scratch the top of his skull.

 

"HE'LL START KNEADING YOU IF YOU KEEP THAT UP."

 

"shh. this is the best. you don't even know, bro."

 

"Okay, Sansy Sans. Go to sleep."

 

"fine." He shimmies up, shooting your thighs a wistful look.

 

"Night, Sans."

 

"night," he mumbles.

 

"NIGHTY NIGHT!!"

 

Sans shuffles his feet all the way to his bedroom.

 

"SO!! YOU SHOULD COME TOMORROW. WHEN I GET NEW PANTS."

 

"Don't they just... order new pants?"

 

"THEY HAD TO TAKE MY MEASUREMENTS AND MAKE A SPECIAL ORDER FOR MY UNIFORM. THEY DON'T MAKE PANTS FOR PEOPLE AS TALL OR THIN AS ME," he laughs. "WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO WHERE I WAS MEASURED AND SEE IF THEY STILL HAVE MY MEASUREMENTS ON FILE. IF NOT, THEY'LL HAVE TO RETAKE THEM."

 

"You're so tall," you chuckle. "How do you even get through a door?"

 

"I'VE HIT MY HEAD A COUPLE OF TIMES," he confesses with a chuckle.

 

"How are you so much bigger than your brother, anyway?"

 

"I DON'T KNOW." He shrugs. "WHY DO YOU ASK?"

 

"I don't know. I guess it's weird because monsters' bodies are supposed to be reflective of their magic or something...?"

 

"YES AND NO. IT'S A LITTLE MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT."

 

"Whatever. Either way you're enormous," you compliment.

 

"THANK... YOU?" He ponders for a moment. "YOU'RE MUCH SMALLER THAN ME. I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF YOU COULD FIT INSIDE ME."

 

"Oh my goodness. Don't tempt me."

 

He laughs it off then stops abruptly to look at you almost expectantly.

 

"What, did you want me to try sticking my head up your chest something?"

 

"THAT WOULD BE WEIRD, WOULDN'T IT?" He's still looking at you expectantly.

 

You inhale. "Fine."

 

"OH NO PLEASE DON'T DO IT TO HUMOUR ME." He's lifting his shirt with an excited look on his face.

 

He needs to work on his subtlety.

 

"So you want me to just..." You get close to a soft, 'NYEH,' and shimmy your head up if before laughing quite heartily. It's pretty snug, pushing against your skin and squeezing a bit. "Haha, oh my goodness. I bet no one's ever seen a skeleton with a human inside it before."

 

He whines and squirms slightly.

 

"What's up?" You bring your hands up and grip his lowermost ribs as you pose the question.

 

"UM, I'M NOT SURE THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA ANYMORE," he bleats. Oh, that's a familiar-sounding purr you're more likely to get out of Sans.

 

"Alright then. I'll just-- Oh. Um..." 

 

"IS S-SOMETHING THE MATTER?"

 

"Would you be able to inhale as much is possible? I know your chest kind of expands."

 

He complies and looks down, clearly uncomfortable. You try to shimmy back out.

 

"Um. Alright. So uh, bad news."

 

He whines.

 

"I'm stuck."

 

He whines again.

 

"NOW WHAT DO WE DO??"

 

"Well. I can um, uh... Can we... get some oil? Do you think we can make it to the kitchen like this?"

 

"NO??"

 

"Paps, it's starting to hurt though." Truth be told, you're developing a massive headache.

 

He shimmies over to the other side of the couch in order to adjust the angle.

 

"TRY NOW??"

 

Try as you might, you're unable to dislodge your head.

 

"Still no."

 

"S-SANS!! HELP!!"

 

"Oh my goodness don't call your brother!! He probably already thinks we do weird things when we're together!"

 

Too late.

 

" 'sup bro-- wha--?" He pauses, aghast. "what the hell-- i don't even-- what? _why?"_ He's completely appalled. More so than usual anyway.

 

"Sans, could you give us a hand?"

 

"actually, i don't even wanna know why."

 

"SANS, WHAT SHOULD WE DO??"

 

"i- uh. hm. oil? butter?"

 

You try to wiggle more and Papyrus whines, arching his back and purring seemingly against his will.

 

Sans looks from you to Papyrus for a moment, completely flushed with colour. "sheesh. kid, can you stop movin' around like that," he stammers.

 

He heads over to the kitchen, face is lit up like a Christmas tree, and comes back with a bottle of cooking oil.

 

"Ugh, that's going to clog my pores."

 

"WELL YOUR HEAD IS CLOGGING ME!"

 

"Fine!"

 

"SANS! COME ON. DO IT."

 

"i-i'm not the one doing it," he squawks.

 

You open your eyes to see Sans trying to hand the oil to Papyrus, looking away as if beside himself with embarrassment.

 

"I DON'T WANT TO DO IT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!!"

 

"i'm out! i'm out!" Sans practically shields his eyes as he shuffles away sheepishly.

 

Papyrus inhales.

 

"I REALLY-- UM. I'M SORRY."

 

You feel a trickle of oil and jolt at how cold it is on your skin. Ugh, it's so nasty. You should have used lotion, you idiot.

 

"I'm going to try to wiggle out."

 

You wiggle around and still nothing. Papyrus is squirming uncomfortably.

 

"THIS ISN'T WORKING!!"

 

"Rub it in!" You're beginning to panic. The last thing you want to do is go to the hospital like this or something.

 

"NYEH!"

 

"Oh my goodness, I'll do it!" You put your hand to his ribs and try to rub the oil around.

 

"N-NO WAIT," he gasps.

 

"Am I hurting you?"

 

"N-NO??" His breathing's becoming increasingly irregular as you try to get the damn oil between his ribs and your face.

 

You change the way you're rubbing. "How about this?"

 

Oh my.

 

That was definitely the most erotic sound you've ever heard from Papyrus. He's really squirming.

 

"Pappy, please tell me you're okay."

 

He responds with the most helpless noise. Wow. Um. That was _loud_.

 

Wiggle. Wiggle.

 

"ARE YOU," gasp, "COMING FREE?"

 

"I think so! Please try to keep your ribcage as wide as possible! It really hurts!"

 

"YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S UNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW," he squeals. As soundproof as the condo is, you'd bet money that the neighbours heard that.

 

"Okay but you're breathing too fast for me to work and your squirming is painful!"

 

He sounds like he's going to cry.

 

Almost five more minutes of wiggling and you manage to pull yourself out. Your face feels disgusting. There's oil everywhere.

 

Teary-eyed Papyrus looks like he can barely breathe. You've probably never seen his face this flushed.

 

"A-are you okay?"

 

He croaks.

 

"I-I'M GOING TO SHOWER" His statement is weak.

 

You sit there, trying to see if the pain in your head caused by the ribcage's pressure will subside on its own.

 

"I might go in right after. I'm uncomfortably greasy." What even is your life?

 

"WE CAN SHOWER TOGETHER IF YOU'D LIKE," he wheezes. All the workouts you've done with him and you've never actually seen him this breathless. It's surreal.

 

It's not like you haven't taken a bath together.

 

"Y-yeah," you deadpan, exhausted.

 

He drops the bottle of oil and actually ignores it. "SHALL WE?"

 

"Yeah."

 

You get up and hear Sans shut his door as you make your way to the bathroom.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We almost called this chapter "The Ribcage Incident" in honour of poubs.


	24. Contact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Physical and _almost_ emotional.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We took a two week break because real life things got in the way on top of being harassed on tumblr. We've posted once to three times a week every week since we've started writing. Please remember that there are real people receiving the messages you're writing before being rude. This is free content.

Rainy spring day. Papyrus is fiddling with a puzzle he's building so you've gradually built a nest on his bed as you watched him all morning.

 

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT? YOU LOOK SICK."

 

"Nah," you yawn, "just sleepy."

 

"WHY DO YOU AND SANS ALWAYS NAP??"

 

"Sleeping's healthy. You don't feel rested when you wake up?"

 

"NOT... REALLY? I SUPPOSE IT'S NICE TO GET SOME REST EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE BUT I FEEL LIKE A SLUG IF I NAP FOR TOO LONG."

 

"You should nap with me once in a while. Wasn't that time we all fell asleep on the balcony nice?" You grab a pillow and roll over, turning your back on him. You curl up, spooning the pillow. "See, this? A+ Cozy Town. Population: one."

 

"COZY TOWN? MORE LIKE LAZY TOWN."

 

"Your loss. I'm going to unapologetically nap now. You wouldn't know comfy," you challenge.

 

"WHAT? OF COURSE I KNOW IT'S COMFY. MY BED IS THE COMFIEST."

 

"Yeah, that's why I'm in it right now. What a waste."

 

"IT'S NOT A WASTE. YOU'RE USING IT."

 

"When was the last time you slept in this bed?"

 

"I'M NOT... SURE?" It wasn't a question but his tone definitely made it sound like one.

 

"Well, you're welcome to refresh your memory, skeleton man." You stretch a bit and return to your position spooning the pillow.

 

You rest your eyes for a bit and eventually feel Papyrus awkwardly shimmying onto the mattress.

 

"THERE. MEMORY REFRESHED."

 

"You're also welcome to nap in your own bed."

 

"FINE. I'LL HUMOUR YOU. THIS IS AN ENORMOUS WASTE OF TIME THOUGH."

 

"To you. Good night."

 

He shimmies closer and wraps a his slender arms around you, assuming a spooning position.

 

Oh.

 

That's not quite what you meant when you invited him to nap with you. You can feel his ribs pressing into you through the thin fabric of your shirt. The hard ridges of his pelvis are digging into your thighs as his body contours yours.

 

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT? YOU FEEL HOTTER ALL OF THE SUDDEN. ARE YOU _SURE_ YOU'RE NOT SICK? DO YOU HAVE ONE OF THOSE FEVERS HUMANS GET? DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?"

 

"Oh, n-no I'm fine! Just fine. Yup. Getting c-cosy and ready to nap. That's me," you stammer.

 

"WILL YOU FEEL BETTER IF I DID THIS?" He presses one of his hands onto your stomach and rubs it in a circular motion.

 

"I'm not sick!"

 

"OKIE DOKIE. JUST DOUBLE CHECKING. SO WE JUST SLEEP LIKE THIS FOR A FEW HOURS? HOW MANY HOURS ARE IN A STANDARD NAP? WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SET THE ALARM CLOCK FOR MAXIMUM NAP EFFICIENCY?"

 

"Papyrus, you just sleep until you wake up. Mid-day naps are a fine art."

 

"FINE ART REQUIRES MASTERY. HOW DOES ONE MASTER NAPS?"

 

"Practise." You can feel yourself relaxing slightly.

 

"MY BROTHER MUST BE VERY GOOD AT NAPS CONSIDERING HOW MANY HOURS OF PRACTISE HE PUTS IN."

 

"Mmm. Very dedicated."

 

"DEDICATED? THAT'S NOT HOW YOU PRONOUNCE LAZY."

 

"Shh. Sleep."

 

You have no idea how you're going to fall asleep with someone this uncomfortable poking into you. It's different than the way Sans has a tendency to distribute the pressure of his bones on your flesh. He probably has a lot more experience sleeping with fleshy partners than Papyrus.

 

"You're really hard and pokey. I might have to improve significantly if I want to nap with the Great Papyrus squeezing me," you tease.

 

"OH!! YOU COULD CONSIDER THIS NAP TRAINING."

 

"Nap training with what feels like a pile of branches."

 

"YOU'RE THE OPPOSITE. YOU HAVE SO MANY SOFT BITS. HOW DO YOU EXIST?" He seems rather pleased to have discovered a soft cuddle buddy. The way he's kneading your flesh isn't unlike the way Sans does.

 

"Dunno. I just do."

 

"ARE YOU NAPPING YET?"

 

"No. We've been talking the whole time."

 

"OH. RIGHT."

 

"Just close your eyes and relax. Don't you ever sleep?"

 

"I NEED TO NAP NOW AND THEN BUT PROBABLY NOT MORE THAN TEN HOURS A WEEK."

 

"That's unheard of." You roll over and give his face a playful rub before resuming your position. The two of you lie in silence for a while until Papyrus springs up, startled.

 

"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT??"

 

You're jolted awake.

 

"Wha?"

 

"YOU STARTLED ME!! WHAT WAS THAT?? YOU TWITCHED!!"

 

"Wha--? Oh. That's normal. People get random muscle spasms when they're falling asleep."

 

"THAT'S SO WEIRD!!! DOES IT HURT???"

 

"No but your screaming in my ear does."

 

"SORRY. IS THAT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN?"

 

"Probably."

 

"NO?? I HATE THIS???"

 

"Sorry humans twitch when falling sleep."

 

"IT'S GOING TO STARTLE ME AGAIN."

 

"I don't know what to say, dude. It's a thing that happens sometimes. Everyone does it."

 

"PLEASE TRY NOT TO."

 

You chuckle.

 

It takes Papyrus three of your jerks before he gets used to them and it takes you about as long to get over the painfully hard sensation of his bones pressing into your skin. You're probably going to bruise but hey, at least he's warm. Try as you may, you still can't quite get over how hyperaware you are of his bones' contact.

 

 

\--

 

 

Sans pops in a few hours later, wondering why the house is so quiet. Too bad you're asleep and can't see how instantaneous the colour rises on his face when he sees you and his bro spooning. Well, that might not have been enough to elicit a reaction but Papyrus' hands on yours boobs and leg around you sure is. He turns on his heel and walks right back out.

 

 

\--

 

 

Papyrus had to go for a jog when he finally woke up but you are in full Potato Mode and felt the urge to decline when invited to join him. Instead, you're lying on the couch and reading when Sans enters the living room. He lies on the opposite end of the couch with his own book. You look over and notice that his shirt's collapsed into the cavity where his abdomen would be if he were human, outlining the base of his ribcage. When are you going to get used to the fact that they're skeletons? Although mostly desensitized, moments like these sometimes catch you off guard. The two of you read soundlessly for a while, breaking the silence to greet Papyrus when he gets home. 

 

"glad to see you and my brother are finally dating. a little unconventional but it's pretty nice," he casually remarks when Papyrus heads to his room. Oops, did he catch you napping?

 

"Hm, what? Naw. Why would you assume that?"

 

"saw you two gettin' chummy under the covers earlier today." His grin's wider than usual.

 

"Oh. That? Just napping."

 

"papyrus doesn't nap, kiddo."

 

"What? Of course he does. He told me he naps ten hours a week. Not at all what I'd call adequate but still something."

 

"he said that?"

 

"Yeah, why?"

 

"no reason." He looks unhappy now.

 

"Dude, what's up?" Brace yourself for bad humour.

 

He snickers and looks back at his book.

 

"What?"

 

More snickering.

 

"Sans, tell me."

 

"heheheh nope."

 

You huff. "Fine. I don't care anymore." You toss a cushion at him and he ducks much more quickly than you would have anticipated him being able to move.

 

"hey now, that's quite a practical use of a _throw_ pillow isn't it?"

 

"Oh, I set myself up for that one, didn't I?"

 

"yep. whaddaya expect?"

 

"For your information, Papyrus was very gentlemanly."

 

"let you come first?" He wags his eyebrows suggestively.

 

_"Sans!"_

 

"you know i'm messing with you." He's snickering like mad.

 

"What? After all that teasing?"

 

"you're too easy, kid."

 

"Ohh! I'm out of throw pillows." You crawl over to his side of the couch and attempt to bury his face under the pillow you snatch from under him.

 

"hey! you stop that!" He squirms and flails a bit under you.

 

"Papyrus!!" You call across the house, "Where's your brother ticklish?!"

 

"no! no! cut it out." Sans' face emerges from underneath the pillow but your knees are on either side of his spine, pinning him down. He's trapped.

 

"BEHIND HIS KNEES, WHY?!"

 

"Thanks, Pappy!"

 

"no! no no no! aaahahaha!" Sans actually opens his mouth wide in front of you for the first time. His canines are so much sharper than Papyrus'-- beastly and terrifying. "mercy! mercy!" He's squealing like a piglet.

 

"No more picking on the human!" Your tone is victorious as you tickle him.

 

He _moans_.

 

And you hit the floor.

 

...Ceiling?

 

What the fuck? You're lying on the ceiling?

 

"Oww..." You definitely hit your head.

 

"oh, shit, sorry." He's gasping for breath above-- below(?!) you, trying to regain his composure.

 

"Sans, what the hell did you do?!" Yeah, you're definitely on the ceiling.

 

"sorry. sorry."He waves and arm and you slowly fall to the couch.

 

Wow, that did not do anything good for your stomach. What the hell did his eye just do? You have never seen him do that. "What's up with your eye? Are you okay?"

 

At least he's chuckling. "dunno about my eye. apparently it does that."

 

"Apparently?"

 

"i don't really stand in front of a mirror when i do that kinda stuff. though that is something i could see myself doing."

 

"Boo. No. Bad pun."

 

"what? it'd be no _mirror_ -cle if i looked in one every once in a while."

 

"That's not what I meant," you laugh. Ugh They get worse every day, don't they? "Can you give me a warning next time you do weird magic?

 

"dunno. can you give me a warning next time you tickle me?"

 

"Naw. I kind of liked that lewd sound you made." You give him a smirk.

 

His bones rattle slightly as he averts his eyes.

 

"welp. gotta go."

 

"Really?"

 

"yup. later."

 

"Booo. Stay." Your arms trap him under you. "You're bony as hell but at least you're warm."

 

"i'm havin' a real hard time here," he croaks.

 

"Come on Sansy Sans. Please?"

 

He sighs in resignation and stops struggling.

 

"fine."

 

"Aw boo. What was that? You don't have to stay. Am I making you uncomfortable?"

 

"yes and no," he confesses. "but you're also making me comfortable so i'll take it." He grips a handful of your flesh and leans into you.

 

"You are the most contrary individual I've met in a while," you chide.

 

"sue me."

 

"We _could_ try talking about our feelings."

 

"pft. nah."

 

The conversations dwindles a little awkwardly and the two of you just lie there for a while before a genuine comfort sinks in. It's getting harder and harder for you to really think about your relationship with your roommates. The three of you are definitely open with one another physically. Sans, however, seems to be terrified of emotional connections. He never really wants to talk. Ask Papyrus what he's feeling and he'll act cool if he wants to avoid the topic. Pappy tends to avoid talking about his insecurities but at least he'll pour his heart out regarding most topics. Sans is more secretive and currently snoring.

 

You give him a pet and he starts purring.


	25. Costume

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Consensual shenanigans ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: blood
> 
> (no, not that kind)

 

"Papyrus, what are you wearing?"

 

"A DRESS. YOU HAVE SOME; YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT THEY ARE."

 

"No I mean, why."

 

"WELL THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU ASKED."

 

"Papyrus, why are you wearing a dress? I never thought you'd wear something so feminine being a manly man and all."

 

"METTATON WEARS DRESSES ALL THE TIME." He puffs his chest out. "BESIDES!! DOESN'T MY BUTT LOOK AMAZING IN THIS DRESS??" He turns around and arches his back.

 

"Mettaton's a robot and skeletons don't have butts," you chortle.

 

"WHAT??? NO?? MY SECRET!!"

 

"Pappy we've been over this. Remember the biceps?"

 

"WILL YOU EVER STOP WITH THE REALITY CHECKS??" he sobs dramatically, not actually crying.

 

"Did you want me to gently tickle your ass to resolve the situation? Wait-- we know your brother always comes in and makes bad puns at the wrong time. It'll summon him."

 

"THAT'S QUITE UNNECESSARY."

 

"I'm gonna grab your butt!!"

 

"SEXUAL HARASSMENT!!"

 

"You grabbed my boob and tried to milk me," you laugh, playfully chasing him around the room. "We're way past that point."

 

"THERE'S NOTHING SEXUAL ABOUT FEEDING OFFSPRING!! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH HUMANS??"

 

"It's an erogenous zone so--" _Whack._

 

You tripped and smacked your head on the side of the bed. _Good job._

 

"OH MY GOODNESS, YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ACT LIKE AN IDIOT??"

 

"Ow. Ow. Ow." You pinch your bleeding nose as Papyrus approaches you.

 

"TILT YOUR HEAD FORWARD."

 

"Danks."

 

"AND NOW YOU SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT." Papyrus might be berating you but at least he's managed to grab a hold of some sort of fabric. He pressed it to your nose, moving your hand out of the way and pinching you so as to help stop the bleeding. His actions are caring despite his harsh words.

 

"everything alright in here-- aaand i guess not." Sans looks a little bewildered when he eyes the blood down your front but recovers quickly. Papyrus' dress doesn't even seem to phase him.

 

"Sands you dond't habe to look." It would make your life easier if you could stop the bleeding. You swat Papyrus away and grab a hold of the fabric on your face.

 

"do i wanna know what the two of you were up to?"

 

You shake your head.

 

"would it be _nosy_ of me to pry?"

 

"SANS."

 

"don't tell me blocking your nose means couldn't smell a bad pun coming a mile away."

 

"Sands gedt oudt."

 

"who now? can't tell whom you're speaking to." He shrugs exaggeratedly and looks around. "no sands here."

 

"SANS, YOU'RE NOT HELPING THE SITUATION." Huh, when did Papyrus start rubbing your back like that?

 

"sure i am. didn't come to _pick_ a fight. she _nose_ that."

 

You feel an immense blood clot pass through your nose as you snort at his stupid pun.

 

"Gaaaaah!"

 

"AHHHH!!"

 

"what happened?"

 

"Idt's worse dow," you gripe, laughing.

 

"welp. sorry kiddo." He turns to Papyrus, "hope you'll ac- _septum_ my apologies."

 

You manage to not laugh at this one.

 

Papyrus looks almost eager to touch your nose when the bleeding stops and you remove the cloth.

 

"IS IT BROKEN??" His tone is almost too excited.

 

"Don't think so. It really hurts though." You look up and notice that the doorway is empty. "Where did Sans go?"

 

"HE SLID OUT. PROBABLY OFF DOING SOMETHING LAZY."

 

"So not doing something at all?"

 

"YES-- I MEAN NO?? IF YOU'RE NOT DOING SOMETHING THAT MEANS YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING BY DOING THE SOMETHING THAT ISN'T SOMETHING."

 

You stare blankly.

 

"Sure."

 

"I'M GLAD YOU SEE THINGS MY WAY. LET'S GET YOU CLEANED UP."

 

 

\--

 

 

Sans is in the living room when you decide to make your way there for the rest of the evening. Sore nose aside, you're feeling much better. Papyrus eventually stopped fretting and you were able to properly clean yourself up.

 

"not dead?" Sans jokes.

 

"Don't think so. You'll know I'm dead when I start to look like you."

 

He chuckles as you crawl onto the couch and allow him to snuggle up the way he tends to.

 

"What're we watching tonight?"

 

"something bloody?" he offers.

 

"Nah, I've had my fair share for the night."

 

"something with dresses?"

 

"That's fine. Papyrus really does what he wants, doesn't he?"

 

"yeah. my brother's so cool. dunno how that accident with your nose happened. he gets carried away sometimes."

 

"That was my fault anyway. I was mock-sexually harassing him," you chuckle.

 

"heh. serves you right then." It's always funny to hear a skeleton snort. How does that even happen? "he probably loved it."

 

"Pft. Probably. Bet you'd love it too." you give him a small nudge.

 

He pushes your face in response. "hot unlike a certain roommate."

 

" _Me?_ " you mock-scoff, "getting sexually harassed by skeletons?" You push him right back.

 

"see? you love it. didn't peg you as a monster fucker." Something about his stupid wink tells you that the pressure on your jaw is restrained. He could probably crush you if he wanted.

 

You push him right back and he wedges his knee under you, prying you off the couch and shoving you backward.

 

Before you know it, you're play-wresting a skeleton until the two of you collapse in giggly exhaustion. Sans is halfheartedly trying to wiggle out from underneath you but seems too lazy to make any actual effort.

 

Why do you have the urge to kiss him? Why is your breathing so heavy after doing so little?

 

You swallow and make direct eye contact. Sans reacts to this like a deer in the headlights; his pupils dilate for a brief moment before contracting. He's just... staring at you, looking unsure of whether his fight or flight reaction should be triggered at the sudden intent staring.

 

"Sans, have you ever kissed a human?"

 

"no?"

 

"Would you like to kiss a human?"

 

"i think papyrus would," he offers nervously.

 

"Stop playing matchmaker for a second, will you? I asked if _you_ want to kiss a human."

 

"not particularly." There's that look in his eyes as he suddenly avoids looking into yours.

 

"Would you want to kiss _this_ human, then?"

 

"um--" He swallows. " _want_ is a tricky word."

 

"You're flustered."

 

The corner of his mouth twitches slightly. Sans looks like he's having a harder and harder time not baring his teeth more than his usual stoic smile.

 

"i'm not flustered."

 

"How many monsters have you had in your bed since I've moved here?"

 

Mouth pulled back and slightly open. Eyes back on yours. "that's nunnaya business buddy--" Those sure are some impressive fangs.

 

"But you don't wanna kiss a human," you tease. "I'm hurt."

 

He sits up quite suddenly, pinning you to the couch. You fail to stifle a scream and swallow hard, realizing how much force he's applying to your shoulder with his palm. That was definitely some effortless wrestling a few minutes ago.

 

"Um-- S-Sans--?"

 

He takes you mid-word, claiming your mouth with his tongue. It's strange for the lack of lips but there's definitely no lack of experience. You take a moment to recover from the surprise and slowly arch your back as you begin to reciprocate.

 

"IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT? I HEARD YOUR SHENANIGANS END IN A SCREAM." Papyrus pops into the living room in a pair of pyjamas and a look of frustrated concern on his face.

 

Sans pulls away slowly and absentmindedly licks his teeth before turning to Papyrus.

 

"she wanted a kiss, bro."

 

"I... SEE..." He's squinting hard at you and Sans.

 

"did you want a kiss from papyrus too?" Sans playfully pokes your cheek as he purrs the question. Why's he being so casual about what just happened?

 

You glance over to see Papyrus looking quite excited all of the sudden.

 

"I-I wouldn't object to kissing Papyrus."

 

Papyrus puts his weight on his back foot, clearly nervous when you look in his direction.

 

"WELL. I MEAN--- ERM. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WOULD WANT UM--" He cuts himself off.

 

"Want what, Pappy?"

 

"HOW CAN I KISS YOU IF DON'T HAVE ANY LIPS??"

 

"Sans just used his tongue."

 

"DOESN'T THAT UPSET YOU??"

 

"No?"

 

"YOU'RE NOT UPSET BY SKELETONS' LACK OF SOFT FLESHY BITS??" The sweat on his brow is visible from across the room.

 

"No."

 

"I MEAN. OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT. WHY W-WOULD SOMEONE THINK SKELETONS ARE ANYTHING BUT PERFECTION??" He's making an almost determined-looking expression at this point.

 

"Are you nervous?"

 

"NO?? WHY WOULD THE GREAT PAPYRUS BE ANYTHING BUT UNSURPRISED THAT YOU SO DESPERATELY WANT TO KISS ME??"

 

"Pft."

 

"WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING???"

 

"You're adorable."

 

"NO, I'M COOL!!"

 

"Gimme a kiss then," you offer.

 

"WELL. YOU SEE. I HAVE SOME VERY. IMPORTANT. STUFF TO, UM-- _BYE._ " He bolts out of the apartment at full speed.

 

"What the heck?! Papyrus come back," you call, dashing after him. He's already gone through the door to the staircase at the end of the hall by the time you get to the door.

 

"ehh. he'll come back." Sans calls from the living room. He's already laid back down and is paying attention to the television with his arms crossed behind his skull.

 

"Sans, what the heck just happened?" You try not to look too exasperated when you get back to the living room.

 

Sans chuckles. "He'll come around."

 

"What's his deal? Is he upset?"

 

"nah. nerves, probably. we both know he likes you."

 

"So why would you kiss me knowing that?"

 

"it got a point across didn't it?"

 

 


	26. Resume

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to... normal life?

 

You wake up feeling almost jarred. It feels like yesterday happened forever ago.

 

Things you did last night:

 

-Find out that Sans is terrifyingly strong.

-Kiss a skeleton.

-Scare off your roommate.

_-Swap saliva with a literal monster._

 

Cool.

 

Does this mean you're into bestiality? _No, don’t think about it that way._ Does this mean you're a thing now? Sans didn't seem too keen. It's Sans, after all. He definitely comes off as a no-strings kinda guy. Nonchalant. Casual. It was exploratory, right? Right. Don't read into it.

 

_He's into you enough to stick his tongue into your mouth though._

 

Swallow.

 

Papyrus was nervous when you offered to kiss him. Why did he run? Was it really nerves? What's he afraid of? Judgement? Intimacy, in general? Potentially ruining a relationship with his human roommate?

 

 _Gah_.

 

You grip a handful of your own hair in frustration as you lie in bed waiting for your alarm to go off.

 

Stupid. This whole thing is stupid. Why the hell did you get so close to them? When the hell did it get complicated?

 

Sans is nice.

 

Papyrus is nice.

 

Sans probably doesn't want to step on Papyrus' toes. Is he actually interested in you?

 

Dammit.

 

There's your alarm.

 

Is Papyrus even going to want to go jogging after having bolted out in desperation to avoid you last night? He definitely hadn't come home by the time you'd gone to bed.

 

You turn the alarm off and sit there for a moment.

 

Are his feelings hurt?

 

Sans wouldn't have done that if he'd have known it would hurt Papyrus.

 

Would he?

 

Dammit.

 

Inhale deeply.

 

Sigh it out.

 

Okay. Here we go.

 

You exit your room and pad over to Papyrus' door.

 

"Papyrus?" Try to keep your voice light as you peek into his room. Door's not closed but that shouldn't be an invitation to barge it. "You wanna go for our jog this morning?"

 

"GOOD MORNING!! YES!! WE SHOULD GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BEFORE THE TRACK GETS BUSY."

 

"No spikes this time, right?"

 

"I FAIL TO UNDERSTAND HUMANITY'S FEARFUL AVOIDANCE OF SPIKES."

 

"Danger aside, maybe they don't like getting blood everywhere."

 

"WE MISSED A SPOT LAST NIGHT BUT I DID MANAGE TO GET THE BLOODSTAINS OUT," he notes.

 

"That's pretty impressive," you remark. This conversation seems to be going well. Maybe he'll pretend that never happened.

 

"ABOUT LAST NIGHT... "

 

Dammit.

 

"What about last night?"

 

"I HOPE YOU WEREN'T TERRIBLY DISAPPOINTED BY YOUR MISSED OPPORTUNITY TO KISS ME." There's that visible sweat.

 

How can you navigate this? What’s the safest way to go about assessing his attitude toward you?

 

"Would you allow me a kiss on the cheek to compensate?” Maybe that wasn’t the safest choice.

 

He ponders for a moment.

 

"YOU'VE GIVEN ME A KISS ON THE CHEEK BEFORE."

 

"Yes, that time we were in the bath together. I haven't forgotten."

 

"WELL?"

 

"Well?"

 

"WELL???"

 

"I'm gonna smooch you!"

 

"OKAY!!! I'M READY!!!"

 

You give him a small kiss on the cheek and his bones rattle slightly.

 

“And?”

 

“AND???”

  
  
“How was that?”

 

“IT FELT… NICE,” he decides.

 

“Ready for that jog?”

 

“JOG??” he scoffs. “WE’RE GOING TO RUN AT TOP SPEED UNTIL ONE OF US COLLAPSES AND I’M WILLING TO BET THAT PERSON WON’T BE ME.”

 

Well. You’ve certainly incurred _some_ kind of wrath.

 

\--

 

You exit the bathroom after having taken the longest bath to soothe your aching muscles. Thank your lucky stars that Papyrus ended up being merciful. Get dressed and head over to the living room for your usual evening cuddles with your bony bud.

Nothing weird. Sans doesn’t even seem to care about what happened. He’s acting like it didn’t even happen!

 

You yawn and rub your eyes after a while.

 

"Ow. Ow. Ow."

 

"what's going on?"

 

"I got an eyelash in my eye. It hurts."

 

"how much does it hurt-- and aren't those supposed to _prevent_ things from getting in your eyes?" he frets.

 

"Yup. And it’s irritating."

 

"heh. that's kinda _eye-_ ronic."

 

"This is not the time, dude. I'm going to kill you."

 

"alright. alright. no need to _lash_ out. d'you want some help?"

 

You laugh as you manage to get it out as you chuckle at the second pun. Alright, that one was funny. "Naw. I've got it. Thanks."

 

“a-are you alright?”

 

“Yeah, it’s not actually _that_ painful.”

 

“sounds about like me getting poked in the eye socket.”

 

“Does it hurt?”

 

“feels weird and kinda hurts but not as much as, say, slamming my tibia into the coffee table at 1 AM.”

 

“Fair,” you laugh, resuming the episode he’s paused.

 

Everything seems fine. Papyrus doesn't seem hurt despite acting weird yesterday. It seems as though… you might have made a bigger deal out of yesterday that you should have.

 

Probably.

 


	27. Tongue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That stuff stains.

 

Dinner’s not too bad. Papyrus’ pasta dishes are surprisingly varied in nature. Today’s is especially saucy and delicious.

 

Rather, was.

 

Now it’s all over your shirt.

 

Because you’re an idiot.

 

To be fair, you didn’t expect to get startled by something hitting your window in a high rise. Was it a bird? Did someone throw something? Neither you nor Papyrus could figure it out but the spill seems to have triggered Full Panic Mode in Papyrus, who practically ripped your shirt off and ran off to treat it with stain remover before it could set in.

 

“Papyrus, I don’t think it’s salvageable.” You’ve made your way to the washroom. “There’s far too much tomato and the colour’s too light.”

 

“NO!! I REFUSE TO BE DEFEATED BY A VEGETABLE!!”

 

“You know a tomato isn’t a vegetable, right?” you quip.

 

“YOU KNOW YOU’RE A SMART ALEC, RIGHT?” You can’t tell if he’s feigning annoyance or actually annoyed. Frankly, it can sometimes be hard to tell with Papyrus.

 

“Touché.”

 

He struggles with it for a few more minutes, rambling about various pasta.

 

"WHAT'S WITH HUMANS DESIGNING CONDOM PACKETS LIKE RAVIOLI ANYWAY?? I THOUGHT THE WHOLE IDEA WAS PREVENTING SAUCES NOT GETTING SAUCY-- NO WAIT-- THAT DOESN’T WORK.”

 

“Papyrus, no,” you laugh. “Where did that even come from?”

 

“IT’S TRUE THOUGH!! RAVIOLI NEEDS SAUCE. CONDOMS ARE TO PREVENT… SAUCES?? BUT THE ACT IS SAUCY?? AND IT LOOKS LIKE PASTA?? I’M SO CONFUSED BY HUMAN CULTURE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE-- NO OFFENCE.” He gives you a wet pat on your bare shoulder before resuming his battle with your shirt.

 

“Okay but where did that come from?” You chuckle, trying to scratch an itchy spot on your back.

 

“I KNOCKED OVER AN ENORMOUS BOX IN THE EVIDENCE ROOM TODAY. REMINDED ME OF THE TIME I TRIPPED ON SANS’ _DIRTY SOCK_ AND SPILLED MY RAVIOLI ON THE LIVING ROOM CARPET.”

 

“Yikes. Nothing to do with my mess, huh,” you laugh.

 

“YIKES INDEED. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TOOK TO GET THE STAINS OUT?”

 

“How long?”

 

“HOW LONG?? I’LL TELL YOU HOW LONG!! IT… UM… HUH,” he pauses. “I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER.” His voice falls flat at the end and he stops scrubbing.

 

“Papyrus, can you get this for me? I’m dying here,” you groan, trying to scratch the most impossible to reach zone on your back.

 

“OKIE DOKIE.” Papyrus seems eager to help. He rinces the laundry products from his hands and begins to scratch the spot you’ve pointed at.

 

“THERE’S A SCAB HERE. IS THAT WHAT’S ITCHY?”

 

“Maybe?”

 

He scratches at a scab on your back, not meaning to tear it off and cause bleeding. He tries to stop the bleeding with his fingers because you can't reach but bone is useless. He panics and decides to plaster his tongue onto it.

 

“Papyrus!” you squawk.

 

Of course Sans walks in. Did he just get home or was he in his room? He’s in search of the noise source.

 

“heh. whoa. okay. later.” He immediately backs out looking flustered.

 

“Dammit! Sans, no, come back! It’s not like that!”

 

“not here to spectate,” he calls from the kitchen. You hear the sound of flatware clinking.

 

Meanwhile, Papyrus is trying to guide you to the medicine cabinet for first aid supplies.

 

“Oh my goodness, I bet it isn’t even bleeding that much. I’ll get it,” you laugh.

 

He removes his tongue and immediately looks concerned.

 

“IT’S BLEEDING A LOT!!”

 

“I’ll be fine. Look.” You extract some disinfectant and hand him a cotton ball soaked with the stuff. “Can you dab this on the wound?”

 

He complies and applies the bandage you hand him.

 

Too bad this whole thing hasn’t really done much for your itching.

 

“SH-SHOULD I GET YOU A SHIRT?”

 

“I’ll get it, thanks.” Your tone is halfway between a laugh and a sigh.

 

Sans has more colour on his face than you’re used to seeing when you return to the kitchen.

 

“--AND THAT’S WHEN I REALISED THAT IT WASN’T SKIN AT ALL.”

 

“papyrus didn’t you take a first aid course?”

 

“YES BUT THEY DIDN’T COVER PRE-EXISTING WOUNDS OR WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE!! IT’S ALL IN THE NOW!!”

 

“Well, scabs are a thing.”

 

“I TREATED IT PROPERLY!!”

 

“You did,” you reassure.

 

“you sure he wasn’t trying to _scab_ otage you?”

 

“SANS!!”

 

You carry on with your dinner, forgetting your other shirt entirely as you’re too distracted by the fact that you keep catching your roommates’ eyes on you every now and then.

 

\--

 

You catch Sans on his way out when you’re off to bed that night. You usually spend evenings cuddling on the couch but most of the day was spent helping Papyrus design a maze.

 

He looks disgruntled.  

 

“You okay, Sans?”

 

“why do you ask?” He’s avoiding eye contact, as usual.

 

“Kept catching you eyeing me suspiciously over dinner.”

 

“dunno why you guys have to keep it a secret.”

 

“Wait, what?” You glance in the direction of Papyrus’ room.

 

He shuts the apartment door behind him before you can respond.

 

Of course.

 

**Author's Note:**

> We welcome and encourage your comments. Tell us what you're thinking!   
> (We're three writers but Pink does the answering.)


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